To wonder if some people bring on their own 'issues'?

[minnieme2]

I have name changed as I like my usual name. I know this will more than likely cause a few opinions and maybe some flaming..so..

Just lately I have seen alot of things in the media, on TV and even on chat forums (here + the other mum site) which has made me want to scream at the person /people involved some examples...

TV programme Protecting our children (bbc 2) There were several moments in this where I felt very sad for the families having their children removed from them, however then I would feel like an anger towards them for putting their children in these positions of going into care for example the mother who was in a relationship with the known sex offender, she even said he could of abused her child, he had 30 years of crimes behind him why on earth would she feel it is ok to be with this person?

AIBU for feeling she deserved for her child to be removed, and in future any other children she may have? Surely it is her own fault for putting herself in this situation. As a mother I feel nothing but protection and love for my children and cannot fathom how another mother would not feel the same?

Another example... On another chat forum I read a thread about a woman who was back with her ex after he had cheated on her several times, she was back with him because she loved him and is pregnant with their first child, her reason for posting was that he's having another affair and she says in the thread 'I will just take him back when he finishes with the new girl'

Again AIBU to feel that she is causing herself more upset by taking him back? He is the dick obviously and to blame for his cheating but is she not enabling his behaviours?

Last example, I used to be friends with someone who would repeatedly call their child names, scream at them and really belittle their child and she would say to me 'I don?t know why he behaves so badly' all along I felt like screaming at her 'Because of how you treat him' (We are no longer friends when I saw her hit him)

AIBU to feel 'some' people cause / enable their own issues to escalate and find it surprising when they stand and say 'I don?t understand why my life is like this?'

Yes some people cause their own issues but some don't.

Or - some can't control/make changes/ without appropriate support, education and understanding.

well done you for getting to adulthood undamaged! Not that it would have been your fault if you didn't!

Yes some people cause their own issues. Worked with a woman like that who would constantly get into awful situations - evictions, friends being nasty, attacked, etc - but every time when she was telling you what had happened there was always a point where you thought - wtf did you do/say that - didn't you think it would cause you repercussions.

But YABU in some cases. Some people end up in situations that are difficult for them to handle appropriately because of dv, mh, drug or alcohol issues. So a woman beaten down with dv may be too afraid to protect her child from harm from her partner.

reduce who said that?

I have had my fair share of issues, some caused by my own actions and some caused by others. I am the first to admit my failings, and have seen how i can change.

hattie Thats a good point it could be a support issue

Lesley That's awful, the person you describe is the type of person i am talking about, ones where we can clearly see they can help themselves and chose not to.

DV, MH or substance abuse is a totally different area, i would not for one second thik these issues are through the persons own fault, i mean people who clearly make the wrong choice knowingly

think - Fast fingers

Agree some people don't appear to help themselves, but then it is always easier to see a situation clearly from the outside in.

Also we are often ruled by our emotions and not reason and logic.

We do eventually have that epiphany and try to get out of the endless cycle of drama. It's pretty hard because you've been a certain way all your life, programmed to have certain responses and expectations, and then find yourself failing again and again. One day you realise you aren't a victim unless you chose to keep being one and you start to take steps away from it all. It's hard though. Support helps a lot, even when it seems like it's not always worked, it got through to me eventually. So even if it might seem like your bashing your head on a brick wall, try to offer some compassion and a little support, you might start of that ripple that starts to change the self-destructive cycle.

The work colleague I mentioned actually seemed to enjoy telling everyone about the latest awful situation she found herself in. Various people tried to help her. But they eventually all gave up as they realised that whatever they did and however much support they gave, she would always make things worse for herself.

People and the reasons for their behaviour are to complex to give general answers to your question.

It is interesting that you don't consider substance abuse as the "person's fault", yet they may be acting out/making decisions because of psychological or emotional damage, whuch then would also not be their "fault".

I wonder why you witnessed a child being emotionally damaged, yet did nothing?

birds how do you know I did nothing?

Far from it, I left the house called the police and told them a child was in danger and gave a statement to social services. I have no idea what happened next as I have not seen ex-friend or heard of her since it all happened.

I would do the same thing again in a heartbeat!

Ultimately everyone is responsible for their own actions and in a way the consequences of the choices you make in your life are your 'fault'. But it's just not that simple. The reasons why you have made the choices in your life that have led to awful consequences are important and those reasons are often to do with your mental or emotional state, or something in you that, for example, desperately needs to be loved, or some feeling that you are worthless, or total lack of confidence, or inability to understand the choice you are making, or they are utterly broken people, etc etc.

That doesn't mean that their choices are not their responsibility, it just means that perhaps they are not able to make the choices that would seem reasonable and rational to people outside their situation.