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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended by the term unconditional parents?

45 replies

Hattie11 · 17/02/2012 23:39

This is not a dig at mumsnetters just at the company that have created the programme and chosen a title "Unconditional Parents"!

I've only just learnt the term through another post on here. Had a quick search and read up on it and yes i see its offering a valid approach to parenting similar to the one i use.

But i can't help feeling its looking down on anyone that doesn't use it implying they are not unconditional parents.

Am i alone?

OP posts:
PeppyNephrine · 17/02/2012 23:41

YABU. Its just another wanky label, it doesn't actually mean fuck all.

susiedaisy · 17/02/2012 23:42

Never heard of itConfused

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 17/02/2012 23:43

never heard tell of it

Lueji · 17/02/2012 23:44

I hate labels anyway.

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/02/2012 23:46

Unconditional Parenting?
What's that?
I thought all parenting was unconditional. Is there a clause that no one told me about that says if my kid does something I don't have to parent them anymore? Please?

Original poster
Hattie11 · 17/02/2012 23:48

exactly what i mean Dione!

There are threads on here with links. But basically they don't use time out methods of discipline, because they parent unconditionally............................................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

OP posts:
PeppyNephrine · 17/02/2012 23:49

Its that one where no matter what your child does, you never give out to them, punish them, or discipline them in anyway.

TinyPants · 17/02/2012 23:49

My parenting is conditional. I might run off if they annoy me too much. Sure they'd find me though.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2012 00:00

That's why they practice hide and seek, so we can never escape!

Birdsgottafly · 18/02/2012 00:01

Unconditional parenting from a behavoural perspective is more to do with "conditions of worth", that parents can put onto children via their behaviour. "i will love you if you..."

Kohn is a behavourist that follows Jean Piaget school of thought.

These terms are theological not literal.

usualsuspect · 18/02/2012 00:01

Each to their own

Original poster
Hattie11 · 18/02/2012 00:04

i get that but still find it a bit offensive to anyone else

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 18/02/2012 00:04

And he is trying to sell his book,so he is pushing his theory, which will add to the amount of knowledge out there. Most practioners take bits from each,but for him to have developed this, he must believe in it, you cannot knock that otherwise he (or others) wouldn't seek to make break throughs in exsisting theory.

PeppyNephrine · 18/02/2012 00:11

I don't find it offensive, I just find it daft. Its making yourself out to be different when really we're all much the same in that way. What parent actually says " I will love you if you..."? I will be cross with you if you..... maybe, but not the former.
Its silly.

perceptionreality · 18/02/2012 00:12

I think YAB a bit U - there are lots of parenting approaches that we couldn't possibly all use but why should anyone feel offended or threatened by the notion that someone's love of their child does not come with any conditions. That's what I take to mean by this term. I don't think it's about encouraging your child to do anything with no consequences or setting no boundaries. It just means you don't try to manipulate your child to do what you want and you promote their self esteem. You never make them feel guilty about their right to be an individual and never act like you 'own' your child.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/02/2012 00:13

Surely what you have described Hattie is permissive parenting.

I love my child unconditionally. However I consider it a fundamental part of parenting that I teach my child that actions have consequences. Sometimes the consequence is time out or (more likely) removal of a privilege, other times it is my very real unbridled delight.

It is very important that he understands that I will always love him, even if he does something naughty, even if I am angry or short-tempered. It is also very important that he understands the impact his behavior can have on those around him.

I would consider myself negligent if I failed to teach him this.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 18/02/2012 00:15

I actually don't really believe in unconditional love anyway, or at least that, taken to extremes it does anyone any good.

PeppyNephrine · 18/02/2012 00:17

perception, I think Hattie means that its offensive to suggest that the rest of us don't love our children unconditionally. By calling yourself such you are by definition saying that the majority do love their children conditionally.

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2012 00:17

I don't find it offensive, I just find it ridiculous.

I'd love to see a documentary that followed 'unconditionally parented' kids from birth to mid 20's.

Cabrinha · 18/02/2012 00:18

Programme? As in TV show?
I LOVE his book. When I saw the title my first reaction was 'of course I love my child unconditionally' but it really challenged me to look at whether my words and behaviour towards her really reflected that.
I don't see why you'd have such a strong reaction against a title though - it's like by using that term it means anyway else IS conditional, any more than you would think Gina Ford has the monopoly on babies being 'contented'.

Original poster
Hattie11 · 18/02/2012 00:19

Because i promote my children's self esteem, i encourage them to explore and experience things but i do provide appropriate boundaries where necessary i find it hard to believe any parent doesn't provide some boundaries?

I certainly don't try to manipulate my children or make them feel guilty about their right to be individuals.

I'm not seriously offended - i just think the approach is badly titled as though there is an air of snobbishness within it.

If you UP how do you prevent your child injuring themselve without providing a boundary?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/02/2012 00:22

Some of the most angry, tearful, miserable and highly strung kids I know seem to have parents that don't make it clear where boundaries lie, and the consequences of crossing them.

Kids might not like boundaries, but IME they do get comfort from them.

Birdsgottafly · 18/02/2012 00:25

"If you UP how do you prevent your child injuring themselve without providing a boundary?"

Doesn't he answer that in his books?

The use of words are not snobbish, those that write these books have to believe in their programmes.

Preppy- that was a common way of parenting in pre 1960's America.

He is just expanding research and then marketingand pushing his opinion because he believes in it. That is what behaviour theorists do.

Birdsgottafly · 18/02/2012 00:29

Unconditional in the academic sense isn't about not setting bounderies.

Each school of thought has it's own definition of "Unconditional". Kohn is quite correct to use it from his perspective. His work has to be peer approved, not just liked by the general public.

Also not all theory is culturally transferable.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/02/2012 00:29

Boundaries are a really important part of expressing your love for your child. Boundaries are a really important part of life. The ability to discuss, construct, maintain and change them when appropriate is a life skill that is much underrated yet has a massive part to play in friendship, love and working life.

I often think that if people were more aware of their personal boundaries and better at communicating them, life would be better. And easier!