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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be appalled at my friend's baby plan?

24 replies

mamaggie · 17/02/2012 22:30

She has been trying without success to get pregnant for 4 years. Her husband has a low sperm count.

She told me today that she is looking for a man with similar looks to her husband and intends to have a wild affair, get pregnant and then pass the baby off as his.

I thought she was joking - but she isn't, she's actually intending to go through with it.

I don't want to be privy to this sort of deception and I don't understand why she doesn't at least give donor insemination a go with her husband's consent.

Shall I just let her get on with it? Or try and talk some sense into her?

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 17/02/2012 22:31

research sperm doners and forward her the details?

Pandygirl · 17/02/2012 22:32

Why on earth would she tell anyone? She sounds like she's lost the plot a little bit, talk her down if you can.

Original poster

mamaggie · 17/02/2012 22:33

I already talked to her about it and she says she can't afford the expense or to waste any more time - she's 39.

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 17/02/2012 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mynewpassion · 17/02/2012 22:36

She should be prepared for the fallout if she does that and he leaves her. He will likely be suspicious of any baby and could demand a DNA.

Also, have they gone through the IVF route?

Original poster

mamaggie · 17/02/2012 22:37

I wish she hadn't confided in me - I don't want to know stuff like that. My heart breaks for her not being able to have the baby she so wants, but she should have kept her mouth shut about what she intends to do, I just feel really bad for her husband. Maybe some sort of counselling would help before she sets out to find a lookalike - it's like some sort of trashy mag tale, the way she is going about it.

OP posts:

GlitterySkulls · 17/02/2012 22:37

she sounds desperate, & she's obviously not thinking straight.

hmm, tough one though - you can't stop her from sleeping with a randomer.

theincredibequeenofwands · 17/02/2012 22:38

She sounds a bit desperate.

Spend lots of time with her and give her loads of hugs.

Original poster

mamaggie · 17/02/2012 22:42

mynewpassion they have had two rounds of IVF.
She reckons she can't go through it again.

It's not that simple either just to go out, find a guy that looks a bit like DH, shag him senseless a few times until she's pregnant - then presumably disappear from his life forever, leaving him with a child he's not aware of, and DH thinking one of his slow swimmers have hit the jackpot.

I hope when she stops to actually think about the practicalities, she'll realise this is definitely not a simple solution (which is how she described it this morning, all excited and giggly because she'd decided how she was going to manage to have a baby after all)

OP posts:

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/02/2012 22:44

she does sound desperate.
4 years of dissapointment has taken all the hope out of her .
But now that she has told you , you've got to decide to walk away or try to shake some sense into her.
TBH if she did follow her plan, she wouldn't live with the guilt.

Original poster

mamaggie · 17/02/2012 22:54

I won't walk away from her, I will give her lots of support - but I won't stand by and watch her go ahead with this crazy plan, it will be heartbreaking for so many people.

I think she has to calm down, do a bit of research into donor insemination and talk to her husband about how desperate she is to have a baby. Then go through with the procedure with him by her side.

I don't know what I will do though if she gets pregnant by other means, and her DH thinks it's his - that is just too gobsmackingly awful to contemplate.

OP posts:

Tranquilidade · 17/02/2012 22:55

You do need to remind her about blood groups, etc. Apart from the morality of it, this is not a practical plan.

eurochick · 17/02/2012 23:08

Apparently something like 10% of children are not biologically linked to the man they think is their father, so this sort of thing might be more common than you think. Not that that makes it right of course.

As a long term ttcer I understand desperation but she does sound like she has lost the plot.

As two rounds of IVF have failed it seems pretty likely that she has (possibly undetectable) fertility issues of her own so this might not work anyway. And it is a terrible plan. Her poor husband.

A low sperm count isn't normally a problem with IVF. They just select the best swimmers and inject them straight into the egg (ICSI). It only requires one decent one. A friend who was told his sperm count was so bad he would never be a father by one dr has three (ICSI) kids now.

droves · 17/02/2012 23:16

Not good plan , she could catch something more than a baby.

And take it back to her dh.

Assuming she's also planning on having sex with him at the same time as the affair, to make it believable the baby could be his ?

Vile thing to do . Can she just not talk to her dh about sperm donors instead ?

OddBoots · 17/02/2012 23:17

It's not just blood groups, we are entering an age of genomic medicine, it's madness to think you could do this and not be found out now.

I'm a bit of a geek in this area so I have already had a form of DNA testing done on myself but it's only a few years from being mainstream for a number of conditions and to predict drug response.

goodnightmoon · 17/02/2012 23:23

That is ridiculous. Maybe save up for icsi instead?

Original poster

mamaggie · 17/02/2012 23:24

I don't know whether she's thought about donor sperm - she was just bubbling over with her perfect solution this morning, of shagging a lookalike and pretending the baby is DH's.

She hasn't thought it through - if she succeeds she will then have to deceive her husband and her child (and the unwitting father) for all their lives.

I think if I gently suggest she would get the same result with donor sperm, with none of the dishonesty, she might just reconsider. But I don't know if she and DH have discussed donor insemination - perhaps they have and he rejected the idea? Hence this madness.

I just hope she's not out on the town tonight looking for a potential baby daddy.:(

OP posts:

skippy84 · 17/02/2012 23:29

Plus at her age it is unlikely she will get pregnant from a one night stand so she will need to form some kind of regular relationship with all the deception that entails. Sounds like a completely crazy idea. She needs to talk to get husband and come up with a better solution

sleepymammary · 17/02/2012 23:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

WibblyBibble · 18/02/2012 00:31

A father is someone who cares for and raises a child, not someone who fucks someone and gets them pregnant. The father will still be the father if she does this, there will just be a different sperm donor. It is risky in terms of disease and she'd clearly be better getting a proper donor through 'normal' channels, but if her husband is refusing to address his fertility issues then he's being controlling in the first place where he has no right to (I personally think controlling someone else's fertility to prevent them from having children they desperately want is abusive). Her husband has no business stopping her from gettin pregnant if that's what she wants, it's her body (just as much as it would ultimately be her decision to get an abortion if she wanted one).

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 18/02/2012 00:40

You poor friend, what a horrible state of mind she must be in. Maybe it would help to point out that during every single special moment her and her dh shared with this baby it would be going round in her head what she had done and it would ruin it. I've a feeling though she thinks the end justifies the means.

mynewpassion · 18/02/2012 01:07

Her DH is neither controlling nor dismissing his fertility issues as he's been participating in IVF. It sounds like she has yet to approach him about obtaining a sperm donor. ATM, she has unilaterally decided to deceive him by cheating on him in the hopes of being impregnated.

She has a right to get pregnant but she has no right to deceive him.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 18/02/2012 08:54

She needs to speak to her dh honestly about her feelings (although I wouldn't let on what she has been considering if I were her ). Facing the fact that you will never have a child when you want one so much is enough to send anyone off the edge of reasonable behaviour.
Sit down and explain to her the risks of unprotected sex with random strangers. Sperm donors cost more but they are safe in terms of the donor is aware and happy that his sperm is being used to create a child, and the sperm is screened for std. If her dh will not agree to using a donor then she has to think which does she want more, the baby or her husband. And her dh has to consider, which would he rather do, lose his wife or accept a child who is not genetically his. It sounds dramatic, but often times it can be a real deal breaker in a marriage.

BeamMysterious · 18/02/2012 09:44

The poor woman. I wonder if she has decided this is the only option she has - if her husband has refused to consider donor sperm?

That's the only reason I can think of for coming up with such a foolhardy course of action.

If she feels she has no other option to get pregnant, and is patently desperate to have a child, perhaps she thinks this is the only way it is going to happen, without destroying her marriage. Although ultimately if she persisted with her plan, it would destroy much more than her marriage.

I would urge her to confide in her husband just how much she wants a child, and reitierate the fact that the child's father will be the person who is the parent to the child, not the anonymous sperm donor. Maybe the husband doesn't appreciate just how strong the maternal urge is? It's not something that can be switched off.

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