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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to question why some people get away with saying what they want?

50 replies

Toomanyplates · 17/02/2012 22:17

Why do some people get away with saying what they want and others don't?

To give an example; one woman I've known for several years, very outspoken, to the point of being rude, just coming out with things like she doesn't like your hair colour or she thinks you need to lose weight. Shouts at people like a fish wife if anyone upsets or crosses her. Everyone tip toes around her, scared of upsetting her. One day her daughter had been really horrible to someone else's daughter at school but she went up to the other girls' mum and gave her a massive row on the playground and reduced the other mother to tears. The next day the mum that had been reduced to tears was all smiley and chatty with this woman. Why??!!

Another woman who is in a large group of friends I did go out for nights out with is similar. On some nights out she has been absolutely vile to one other group member in particular, so much so that everyone comments on it afterwards and says how horribly she behaved yet none of them fall out with her and they are all trying to stay in with her and arranging the nights out around what she does and doesn't want to do. Even the woman she is horrible to doesn't fall out with her and just puts up with it. I've stopped going on the nights out as it is truly sickening to see, and although I tried to stick up for the other woman several times, other group members told me to just leave it and not make a big deal of it.

I know people would fall out with me if I behaved like that and certainly wouldn't facilitate it. Not that I would want to but you know what I mean!

OP posts:

Original poster

Toomanyplates · 17/02/2012 22:34

Anyone shed any light on it for me? It's really narking me off

OP posts:

BillyBollyBandy · 17/02/2012 22:37

Some people are bullies, and quite often you see the playground re enacted with adults.

I have enough confidence don't care enough not to worry whether someone likes me or not, but not everyone is like that.

Yama · 17/02/2012 22:40

You know that everyone hates both those women don't you?

Nuff said.

Original poster

Toomanyplates · 17/02/2012 22:42

I think you're right BillyBolly about the bullying thing.

Yama I think that probably is the case but I find it infuriating that no one stands up to them but instead they're clamouring to accommodate them

OP posts:

JustHecate · 17/02/2012 22:42

You actually answered your own question.

One day her daughter had been really horrible to someone else's daughter at school but she went up to the other girls' mum and gave her a massive row on the playground and reduced the other mother to tears. The next day the mum that had been reduced to tears was all smiley and chatty with this woman

she has been absolutely vile to one other group member in particular, so much so that everyone comments on it afterwards and says how horribly she behaved yet none of them fall out with her and they are all trying to stay in with her and arranging the nights out around what she does and doesn't want to do.

People take it. People put up with it.

If the woman that she reduced to tears never spoke to her again, she'd learn

If the group members refused to go out with her again, she'd learn

But people take it. So these folks never face the consequences of their actions and they do more and more outrageous things and people carry on taking it. So they start to think they have a right to treat people that way.

What is needed is for people to say no, you will NOT treat me like this. I won't accept it. and refuse to have such people in their lives.

Then the horrible people have two choices - change or be very very lonely indeed.

Original poster

Toomanyplates · 17/02/2012 22:45

I agree Hecate.

I had to stop going on the nights out as it was really pissing me off and there was no way I was prepared to associate with someone like that.

OP posts:

Yama · 17/02/2012 22:49

What you are describing sounds like a colleague of mine. A colleague with a bit of power.

My new year's resolution every year is to toughen up. Instead of thinking about how I fit into another person's words I turn it around and decide that they say hurtful/rude/shitty things because they are hurtful/rude/shitty. Next year the same resolution.

OAM2009 · 17/02/2012 22:53

I wonder if it's an Alpha / Beta female thing. I know one woman who gave up teaching to be a SAHM and projects a very confident, authoritative presence and who has a very bright, precocious daughter. She is also quite opinionated, altho as a mum of two now, I think some of her advice/comments is rubbish. However, she seems to draw people to her and be quite charismatic and always seems to be the centre of the group...and then she feels quite happy being, IMHO, rude rather than funny or helpful. And people take it! And tend to join in if she starts it!

Maybe people are a bit like sheep and if one sheep starts leading, they just follow....like sheep!

Original poster

Toomanyplates · 17/02/2012 22:58

Yama that sounds like a bloody good resolution to me! OAM that woman sounds awful, I loathe people like that. Totally agree with you on the sheep thing. I think people are either a sheep or they're not and if you're not, it's infuriating to see people acting that way.

OP posts:

OAM2009 · 17/02/2012 23:08

toomanyplates She's actually not really that bad, I do enjoy her company, was actually just chatting with her on Facebook

I suppose it's going back to what the OP said about some people being able to say what they want. I know I could never speak to the same people the way she does!

toodles · 17/02/2012 23:09

I wonder the same thing every day. One of the reasons I don't have many friends is because I refuse to be a sheep and follow the leader and I can't stand the bullshit. I had a friend once who had a 'friend' who treated her badly and I used to ask her, why she bothered with her. She couldn't really give me an answer. I really couldn't give this person the time of day - she was a stuck up cow.

Original poster

Toomanyplates · 17/02/2012 23:22

What I wonder too is who decides who is going to get away with things. I know for a fact if I went up to another mum in the playground and shouted and screeched at her and made her cry others would tell me not to, there would be much tutting, and none of the other mums would ever speak to me again. I wouldn't want to behave that way but even if I did it wouldn't be shrugged off. Likewise with lots of other people.

Also I do wonder what the women are actually scared these bully women will actually do to them if they argue back or cut contact with the bully?

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 17/02/2012 23:37

I've often wondered at how some of these poisonous individuals get away with their rudeness, although they always describe themselves as "straight-talking' of course. But I've recently observed this happening to a couple of friends and it is awful to see the effects of it on nice people who genuinely thought they were friends with someone who actually just wants to control and belittle them.

If you look carefully at the (horrid word) dynamics of the groups that these unpleasant women dominate you'll see that most of the people who tolerate the nastiness do so because they feel they have too much to lose by falling out with them.

What seems to happen is that The Controller behaves rather like a spider, almost luring new friends in - quite often they'll involve them with activities that are interesting or perhaps make sure the children all make friends - and once they've created a culture of dependency and ensnared their victims they turn on them.

You'll usually find that The Controller doesn't waste time befriending people who've seen through them from the outset or who simply aren't interested in viperous people's games. They pick their victims carefully, you see.

drcrab · 17/02/2012 23:47

Sounds like a colleague of mine who has all the junior administration staff at her beck and call. And a couple of other women at her level. She's currently trying to ensnare my new head - hopefully she won't succeed. The rest of us are totally switched on to her bullying and slacker attitudes at work so aren't in her inner circle. But we also don't get invited to meals at her house etc. thing is her friends seem to think she's the bees knees. But everyone knows she's a shirker. Why do they accept this and still be friends?

nothingoldcanstay · 17/02/2012 23:52

Mmm too polite? bet if someone did a breakaway group then she'd be left in the cold. Why question it ...you know she's a twat do your own thing and others will follow. xx

Impsandelves · 17/02/2012 23:57

Completely agree with Pandemon.

Bumblequeen · 18/02/2012 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblequeen · 18/02/2012 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Pendeen · 18/02/2012 00:13

"Does not suffer fools gladly."

"Assertive and authorative."

"Strong personality."

"Speaks her mind."

and so on...

When someone describes themselves as " see above " it's always a sure sign of a genuine, self-obsessed, thoroughgoing, awful PITA.

Original poster

Toomanyplates · 18/02/2012 09:56

Yes I agree Pendeen. The woman who made the other woman cry that I described in my OP has described all of those things about herself! She'll say something that might be a bit rude and then say 'Sorry that sounded rude didn't it, you know me, I speak my mind! So anyway as I was saying, I really don't like your hair that colour'

OP posts:

Newmummytobe79 · 18/02/2012 10:04

I think a lot of groups of friends have one of these in them.

On a much milder level we do. She has no issues with saying it how it is - which can often be what everyone else is thinking - but said in such a harsh way that it does cause a tumbleweed moment!

I think it's because it becomes the norm and 'oh it's just so and so's way'.

It's not nice though - and I make a consious effort not to include myself in the bitching. Dread to think what is said about me though when I'm not there :(

RuleBritannia · 18/02/2012 10:06

Oh dear! I have a couple of friends from different areas of my life (real friends or they would not have told me) that I often come out with the wrong words and/or have an 'officious' attitude. How can one change though? Sometimes a job career can make one like that but I haven't noticed people avoiding me or following me like sheep. Perhaps I don't see my friends frequently enough.

Original poster

Toomanyplates · 18/02/2012 10:11

I suppose if your friends are still friends with you and put up with you being like that they you have no incentive to change, RuleBritannia.

OP posts:

OAM2009 · 18/02/2012 20:58

Pandemoniaa - very interested in your assessment. Interesting to think that it could be a deliberate ploy to create a situation where they are the power figure. Looking at my own life, it's easy to see how some people are a central figure creating a culture of dependency, where you have too much to lose (other friends, children's friends) by going against this person.

As other people say tho, not everyone has the desire or confidence to call people on their behaviour and so they get away with it!

Might try to be a bit more assertive myself going forward

redwineformethanks · 18/02/2012 21:39

When someone says "There's no sides to me, people either love me or hate me", you can bet your bottom dollar that most people hate them

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