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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to tell my friend something might be wrong with her dd?

22 replies

mythical · 16/02/2012 23:47

i've just seen a photo of my friend's 11 week old baby girl - it was taken in low light and one of her eyes has a white reflection.
My sister had the same thing when she was a baby (she is now 18) and she was diagnosed with retinoblastoma and had to have her left eye removed.
I don't want to scare her - it might be nothing - but i have sent her a message saying she might want to try taking some low light photos from different angles or take her to the doctors. I'm really worried she'll think i'm out of line for telling her that but as i had a personal experience with this i just couldn't brush it off.
Should i have kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:

bibbitybobbityhat · 16/02/2012 23:49

Of course not!

piprabbit · 16/02/2012 23:49

YANBU - you did what needed to be done. Well done for being brave and warning your friend to seek more information.

MrsBonkers · 16/02/2012 23:52

Think I would have done it face to face rather than by message.
You did it out of genuine concern for your friend and her baby, so no YANBU.
Hope she's okay.

Nilgiri · 16/02/2012 23:53

This woman saved her friend's child's life by warning her.

Don't hint, tell her outright. Nicely, reassuring that it may not be, and with instructions about what to do next so she doesn't whirl round panicking.

But don't muck about - you know better than most of us that it's important it gets checked quickly.

auntmargaret · 16/02/2012 23:54

I would have said something too, well done. Maybe a follow up phonecall to explain? YANBU

aldiwhore · 16/02/2012 23:56

Always worth telling her so she can choose what to do.

Even if you're wrong.

bugsylugs · 16/02/2012 23:58

Definately tell her preferably face to face and really need to make sure she sees a Dr. Well done

woodchuck · 17/02/2012 00:02

Yes, agreed. I was p-hotos of some of my students and i noticed a 'white eye' on one girl's picture. It gave me alarm bells straight away and I had to go through the school to inform the parents (I run an external programme). it was half term as well and I was very stressed that I couldn't contact them quicker. in the end the girl was taken to the eye clinic to get checked out and it turned out to be nothing serious (although they did notice she had issues with poorly controlled muscles in that eye)
Overall, I was glad I mentioned it, as were the parents.

PigletUnrepentant · 17/02/2012 00:03

I think that you did the right thing, and that you are brave, it takes some courage to do what you did as, at the end of the day, you never know how the parent is going to react.

Talking about these things... can you get retinoblastoma on both eyes? my friend's child have the white reflections on both eyes on every single photo we have of him...

McHappyPants2012 · 17/02/2012 00:05

tell her, if you suspect something is wrong then best to be safe than sorry

BackforGood · 17/02/2012 00:10

YABU to have 'sent her a message', although very supportive to share your concerns, you really, really should have spoken to her.

piprabbit · 17/02/2012 00:15

I just wanted to share this link to the Childhood Eye Cancer Trust if anyone wants more information about signs of retinoblastoma in children.

Original poster

mythical · 17/02/2012 00:16

I would have but we live in different towns and only get to meet up once a month or so and didn't want to ring her at 11 o clock at night and i'm not going to lie - i was very worried when i saw the picture because i know what it could mean (and i tend to overreact and panic and so on..) and didn't want that to show through if i ring her, maybe i was being a coward, i don't know.

OP posts:

Nilgiri · 17/02/2012 00:37

That's fine, you've got time to plan what to say. You can ring her in the morning and talk through why she should go for a checkup as soon as possible.

And you can very reasonably say that, although it may well be nothing, you obviously find the topic distressing because of your family's experience.

Naoko · 17/02/2012 01:42

Tell her, tell her, tell her. My best friend had retinoblastoma as a child, she too lost one eye and has very limited sight in the other. Hers was picked up by a nurse at a general health check because the nurse used to work in an opthalmology ward and thus recognised what she was looking at immediately.

I know you don't want to scare your friend, but it isn't worth risking. I think you need to explain what you're worried about so she'll get it checked. Hints are not enough, so many people have never heard of this or what the white eye in photos can mean.

You're not overreacting, you're trying to do the right thing for your friend's baby. If she does have it, having it picked up at 11 weeks is far preferable than to have it be noticed later. My friend's vision loss was so severe partially because she was nearly 2 before it was noticed, and of course this was 25 years ago and treatment has advanced hugely now anyway, so if your friend's baby does have it your sister and my friend's outcome of massive vision loss is certainly not a given.

Naoko · 17/02/2012 01:46

And piglet - yes, both eyes is possible. This is what my friend had. It may be nothing but if I were that child's parents I'd want it checked.

NaturesEnd · 17/02/2012 02:33

Yanbu my ds2 had this in photos, we had him checked out, first by an optician, then GP and he was referred to the ophthalmology dept at the hospital. Thankfully he didn't have retinoblastoma, but was discovered to be long sighted, he still has appointments now.

They did remark that since the advent of digital cameras they get many false positives for retinoblastoma, something to do with 2 light sources hitting the eye or something.

It is always always better to be safe than sorry though, spell it out to your friend. Thankfully it is very rare, but it is much better to be checked out. I spent a very fraught weekend taking random photos of my baby in many different angles/lights .

Original poster

mythical · 17/02/2012 12:30

I rang her this morning, she didn't get to see the message, she said she had noticed it in the photo too and she's glad i told her as she thought she was just being paranoid, she is having a routine check up on monday anyway so she will mention it then. i'm relieved she knew about it before but she thanked me and said i did the right thing in ringing as some people might not know about it - which saved me trying to explain what it was anyway! fingers crossed her little girl is fine and it's nothing serious as we had a look through all the photos and it only shows up in one of them
thank you for the replies x

OP posts:

MateyMooo · 17/02/2012 12:33

my friends BIL is a doctor and he noticed something similar and advised my BF to get it checked. she did and everything was ok. but as she said....

I'd rather be laughed out of the hospital than be right in the morgue.

hope everything is ok for your friend x

Nilgiri · 17/02/2012 12:34

Oh very well done!

Fingers crossed for a clear check-up Monday and relief all round.

OneHandWavingFree · 17/02/2012 12:38

Well done, mythical, I'm glad that your friend was appreciative of your concern and your willingness to have the uncomfortable conversation for the sake of her daughter.

If she's looking for positive stories, we had my dd (18mos at the time) at the opthamologist for the same thing, but in her case the white pupil turned up in 3 or 4 photos. I was turning inside out with worry.

She is absolutely fine, very thorough check (it wasn't pleasant, but it was quick) with dilated pupils and there is nothing there.

The opthamologist said that there are a lot more white pupils showing up in photographs because of LED flashes, on camera phones etc. Most of these are harmless. But she said that there are also lots more cases of retinoblastoma being caught much earlier than they otherwise might have because of the power of social networking and good friends like you. :)

I hope your friend's little girl is perfectly fine. :)

pchick · 17/02/2012 12:44

This condition was mentioned on Daybreak this morning! Dr Hilary emphasised that the condition can develop rapidly so action needs to be taken sooner than later. The family were initially told nothing was wrong but they seeked a second opinion who recognised the symptoms immediately.

www.itv.com/daybreak/lifestyle/

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