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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be worried about my neighbour?

9 replies

Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2012 16:50

I've lived on the same street for about 12 years. For about 8 of those I have been on friendly terms with (amongst others) a woman in her 30s. It's gone from saying hello to longer chats to the occasional cuppa in one another's kitchens. Never progressing to "close friends" but we sort of look out for each other in a neighbourly way.

Anyway, after various dating ups and downs she met a guy about 18 mths ago and very quickly they decided to get married. They both came over to tell us about this and were really excited. However, a few weeks before the wedding (which was abroad) I was getting into my car and she rushed over and said "is it normal to for us to be constantly arguing all the time just before we get married?" We ended up having a long talk during which she told me that she was having second thoughts but felt under alot of pressure from family to go ahead with the wedding. During the talk her fiance pulled up and she made her excuses and left. The wedding went ahead and they both returned from their honeymoon looking happy enough. He then accepted a job in a different city and so lives there during the week. I cannot put my finger on it but I have a very uncomfortable feeling about him, both my DP and I both feel the same about it.

So, a couple of months ago we bumped into her again on the street and she looked tired and tearful. Her husband said hello and then went into the house. She then told us that she is pregnant but that she is feeling very ill and very low. She was crying and saying that she doesn't feel that her husband understands how ill she is and is getting annoyed with her because she doesn't want to cook since she is feeling so nauseous etc. We tried to reassure her that it is normal to feel a bit poorly at the start and to feel nervous etc. After a while she went inside and we both looked at each other in a "are you thinking what I'm thinking kind of way?" We both agreed that we were starting to feel kind of worried about her. So that week I dropped a card through her letter box to say that we are around if she needs a cuppa, any help etc. Since then, everytime we have seen her or her husband they have barely spoken to us, not mentioned the card, nothing at all. Do you think IABU to be worried about her? Should I go over and see if she is ok or do you think I am interfering?

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 16/02/2012 16:54

I don't think you are interfering but maybe her DH found the card and made five out of two and two.
Was he around when you exchanged your look?
It's possible that she's had a M/C and doesn't want to see anyone.
So many possibilities.

Whorulestheroost · 16/02/2012 16:59

I don't think that yabu to be concerned about her. I do think that you need to wait for her to approach you though rather than pushing it any further as you could be perceived as nosey. Just watch from a far and be there if she needs you.

Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2012 17:01

thanks for responding Kreecher, no neighbour and DH were both inside when we had our look. She hasn't had a miscarriage (thankfully) because the two words she did exchange with me the other day as she got into her car were "Still nauseous". So i guess it wasn't true to say she literally hasn't spoken to me! Do you think I ought to pop over or is that too much. It's just the way she sought us out to tell us how she was feeling, it was like she wanted to say more.

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2012 17:02

Yes Whorules you are probably right. I have let her know that we are thinking about her etc so she knows we will help if she asks. That is probably enough.

OP posts:
mrscumberbatch · 16/02/2012 17:04

I think you're a lovely friend to have noticed/be concerned.

I'd maybe attempt to speak to her or have coffee when her DH isn't around.

Sometimes it's best to trust your gut instinct.

Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2012 17:09

Thanks MrsCumberbatch I think that the next time I see her (when it's term time we leave the house at the same time each morning) I am going to arrange a cuppa.

OP posts:
inkyfingers · 16/02/2012 17:12

YOur gut instincts may well be right, but to take it further could risk further problems with her DH who obv isn't wanting to talk to you. You have let her know you're available and I'm sure she'll call for a coffee if she wants to.

She will have other friends and her own family who may be supporting her. She has chosen this man; it's her life - Sad

Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2012 17:23

This is true inky. Her family all live abroad but she does have some good friends and a job she enjoys so there will be others looking out for her I'm sure. We may of course be wrong about her DH, he might be really nice. I will keep an eye out for her in a friendly, supportive way over the next few weeks.

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StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 16/02/2012 18:55

we all need neighbours and friends like you. Yes catch her alone and let her know you are there if she needs any help. if things are difficult or DV is an issue then for her to know there is a 'safe place' to turn to will make all the difference.

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