to dump this friend

[upnorthrocks]

My mother just died after a unexpected illness, whole family in shock, devastated. Most friends etc have been bloody marvellous but i have one who I'd consider one of my closest friends and known for several years who hasnt spoken to me since my dear mum got sick. Not a sorry your mums ill, not a text, no call nothing then nothing when she died so nothing for about 2 months. usually we see each other or talk weekly.i have been away this whole time with my family so we havent bumped into each other or anything.to me it beggars belief. even neighbours or work colleagues we dont know that well have managed a sorry for your loss or a sympathy card. Am really really hurt by this and the whole experience has made me question everything anyway so am wondering what to do. do i need a friend like this? is someone whod act like this really a friend anyway. shes had no close relatives die like this so its not a bringing up bad memories thing. just a shes been really crap thing. what would you do? i just feel like never ever seeing her again at the moment but wonder if i would regret that in years to come.

I think probably she just doesn't know what to say/do, so she's taking the 'easy route' of saying/doing nothing. This happened to a very close friend of mine when her mum died (also suddenly - during a routine op) a few years ago - people just didn't know what to say so they said nothing. Then time passes and it gets harder and they think 'I'll have to come up with something really good now, oh shit' and so it goes on.

Tell her how hurt you are - I doubt very much that it's because she doesn't care. She just is clueless. Put her in the picture. Then, depending on her reaction and the subsequent conversation, make your decision about whether to keep her in your life.

Sorry for your loss . Cling on tight to the good friends and family.

Sorry for your loss. It certainly is devastating when you lose your mum. :(

Giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, it may be that she has some personal stuff going on in her own life and didnt want to burden you. It doesnt excuse her behaviour, and it is wrong that she hasnt at the very least offered you her condolences, but if I were you I would just let it ride for the moment rather than worry about it right now. She may have her reasons for not getting in touch, she may not, but you will probably feel more able to deal with it later rather than right now while you are still feeling so raw.

So sorry to hear about your loss, no wonder you are all feeling devastated xx

I totally understand your feeling so upset about your friend and agree that her behaviour is really thoughtless however, it could just be that she is worried that she might say the wrong thing, that she doesn't want to burden you with having to respond to her right now or that she finds it very difficult to cope with loss. I say this because when a close friend of mine died I was SO shocked by the way some of my friends behaved, feeling unable to visit her in the hopsice, unable to talk to her at all in some instances. It was very strange to witness.

I'm not justifying her behaviour at all, I totally understand how let down you must feel just saying that people can react in very unpredictable ways in these situations.

Sorry to hear about your loss. You're not alone in having experienced this. I really hate it when people do stuff like this, its really shitty, pathetic behaviour. And if she doesn't know what to say, she could have at least got you a card. It's not difficult to write your name on a card and post it, and at least that's an acknowledgement.

I'd be inclined to chalk it up to experience and move on - she's not your mate if she can't make an effort. In fact, that's exactly what I've done in a similar situation in the past, and found that the person was no great loss. Apart from anything else, it's difficult to trust people again after they've completely ignored you going through a bad time.

However, if you're more patient than I am, then one thing you might be able to do is to get a mutual friend to ask her what's going on? It's less stressful than doing it yourself, and it gives her another chance to pull her finger out.

So sorry to hear about your mum :-(

Unfortunately things like this really make you find out who your real friends are. I couldn't carry on with a friendship with a close friend who had acted as your friend has done.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm in a similar position, lost my mum a couple of weeks ago after a short illness and one of my brothers (half brother so not my mums son but still my brother) didn't contact me either. I saw him on Wednesday and barely got a nod from him (and then embarressed him by demanding a kiss!).

Some people just aren't comfortable with other people's grief and it's up to you whether you think she's worth bothering with or not. It sounds as if she is/was a very good friend so perhaps a phone call to tell her how sad you are and how disappointed you are that she's not been in touch. If you still get the impression that she doesn't care then ditch her.

I could ditch my brother but just put him down to being my dad's son sigh

I know how hurtful this is from personal experience when my dad died. But I also know that an old friend thinks I did this. And I certainly never meant to.

My friend talked to me a lot about her relative at the beginning, but then became more and more distant. She seemed very angry about her relative's illness and wanted lots of space; she also seemed incredibly irritated by me at a time when I was quite vulnerable myself. When her relative died, I was so sad for her that I cried. I went to see her but she was stony-faced and wouldn't talk to me. I genuinely thought she wanted to deal with it in her own way and let her be. (Like your friend I had no experience of bereavement at this point.)

Later a mutual friend told me that she thought I had really let her down by not telling her how sorry I was. I still feel bad about it now.

So I would at least text your friend and tell her that you would like her support before cutting her loose. It's very easy to get angry with others when you have been bereaved.

I would think your grief will be making your feelings much more intense so id be really careful of saying anything you may later regret.

Some people are a bit rubbish about the big stuff, but its probably no reflection on you, just that shes a bit lightweight

On reflection, pretty p*iss poor and not to be forgiven. Sorry.

Sorry for your loss. You don't need to do anything about this "friend", she isn't worth your energy. Just forget about her and be civil if your paths cross. Most people find it difficult to find the right words when a friend has a family illness/bereavement but any decent person would try to do the basics, a "so sorry to hear..." and a sympathy card, etc.

The thing is though, having talked at length about this very issue with my friend, it won't just be the piss poor friend (and I agree it is utterly piss poor to react like this) who loses out if this ends the friendship - the OP will lose out too. The OP describes this friend as one of her closest - I would say she should just speak to her and break the uncomfortable silence. Everyone has their faults, it seems that this friend is not a horrible person, just really crap at dealing with a bereaved person - and this can be resolved I think.

That's just my two pence worth. I know that my own close friend has found it very very difficult (impossible?) to forgive the two people who failed to support her when her mother died. But I also know how sad it makes her that what were previously important friendships in her life are now reduced to exchange of Christmas cards.

I experienced something similar when my baby died- people I thought were friends were nowhere to be seen and crossed the road to avoid me, whereas people who I didnt know that well would give me a hug and let me know they were thinking of me.

I think it is that some people just genuinely do not know what to say and are afraid of upsetting you. It doesnt make it any less hurtful though. I actually rang one of my "friends" and told her how much it had hurt - she apologised and after a lot of talking we were able to move on, although things have never been the same. But this wasnt until much much later on - I couldnt cope with anything else too soon.

I am really really sorry for your loss, and there are no easy answers for you.

Sorry for you loss.

It is extra hurt. You state you have not seen your friend.

Have you heard anything about her from others? Strange... i wonder whether something has happened, she needs your support and feels unable to offer same to you? You never know...ask her to meet you for a coffee? You need to find out so you can make your decision.

Let us know what has happened if you can, we might beable to help further.

There could be reasons other than being a crap friend that would explain the lack of contact. I would get in touch and ask her. Tell her how you feel and judge whether you should dump her based on her reaction.

Some people find death such a scary concept that they just don't know how to handle it and the feelings that go along with it. So they take ten easy option and avoid it.

You seem to be surprised by her behaviour, so she must have other good things about her.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. I can't image your grief.

I am in a similar position to your friend, having lost no body close, and so I wonder what is going on in her head? Having a best friend who seems to flit in and out of my life, I would expect similar from her actually (god forbid if she ever becomes a mother)

If you havnt spoken to her and have been away for a considerable time, when did you actually last speak to her? I take it she does know? If you used to talk regularly why havnt you these last 2 months? Have you rang her and told her you need her?

I go through periods of time with my best mate where I always ring her, something then triggers in her brain and we have fabulous time again, i get flowers, gifts, phone calls etc , then she falls off the face of the earth again.

Xx

I suppose there's always a slim chance that a card or letter might have gone missing in the post. Am just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt here, though I know it's probably not worth it. If you've been away for a couple of months, are you absolutely sure she knows that your mum was ill/died?

I'm very sorry for your loss.

x-posts, Forrest, sorry.

So sorry to hear about your Mum. Some people do not know how to deal with bereavement. That said I totally understand your feelings. I suppose as a friend you would have made that effort and so cannot understand why she can't I think it might be worth trying to get in touch... Your friendship was good and it sounds like you need her. If nothing else you know you have tried. Best of luck and be kind to yourself, sounds like you have been through it.

No YANBU.

I would be very hurt too. No one knows the right thing to say but just popping round and giving a hug lets you know that you are thinking of them.

I don't think there are any excuses really.

I've been on both sides of this, and I do think there is a good chance she just doesn't know what to say. The dad of a good friend died a few years ago, and after an initial response, I didn't really know what else to say. I assumed she would contact me if she wanted to talk about it, and didn't want to make her feel worse by calling her when I thought that in the same position I would want to be left alone.

Move forward a year and my dad died suddenly, and I realised how awful I'd been. Turns out I DID want people to acknowledge it and to talk about it. I've apologised now, and hope she knows why I avoided/appeared to avoid her. But a lot of people avoided me for some time after my dad died, and there are still neighbours over a year later who don't know what to say to my mum.

can you tell her how sad you are that she hasn't supported you?

So sorry for the loss of your mum. I can understand just how shocked you must be.

I lost both my brothers suddenly several years apart. Both in very different circumstances but generally people just don't know how to react. Some think they're giving respectable distance when they don't realise they're hurting you. They don't mean to and they don't realise it either. And in my experience sometimes it's those who we think we are closest to who seem to step back from us the most.

Say something to her, don't stew on it or let it dwell in your head as you may end up feeling very resentful.

Take care, it's still early days.