To not go to this party

[SkinnedAlive]

I had agreed to go to a party on Friday with my best friend. He has recently split up with his girlfriend and is feeling quite depressed and could do with a good night out and also we haven't seen each other in 2 months. I don't want to go to the party for 2 main reasons (a) I have had to drop out of university as I can't afford the tuition fees, so I just can't stand the idea of having to explain this to everyone all night (b) due to a above and other reasons I self harmed at Christmas and my left arm is covered in scars.

I can explain the scars to other people, for example, say I was in a RTA - but not my best friend. If he knows what I have done he will worry and I don't want that. I only have short sleeve tops suitable for a party. I have looked in second hand shops for something with long sleeves but can't find anything, and can't afford to buy new.

All I will do at the party is sit there with one drink all night and probably start to howl and cry not feel like talking to anyone and be miserable. I can't even dance as I need an operation on my leg which I can't afford (I don't live in the UK). Would it be so unreasonable to let him down and not go? Of course he is a grown man and can go on his own, but we haven't seen each other face to face for ages and he will be upset and feel let down if I don't go.

YANBU. Sounds like you need a friend just as much as he does :( Why not invite him around and have a good chat with him?

Maybe he would rather just hang out the two of you, and you could have a proper catch up?
Things will get better op

Thanks Dana and puds I am really positive about the future funnily enough. I am job hunting and although nothing yet, I feel sure something will come along. Maybe I will feel depressed tomorrow, but today is a good day.

It is staring me in the face really. Yes, I should just invite him over for dinner and explain why I don't feel like I can go out. He knows how upset I am over dropping out of uni. Then he can choose to continue out on his own later if he wants. The party will go onto the early hours after all.

Good idea. Once you've talked to him you might feel more up to going out. If not, he'll understand why you want to stay at home, I'm sure.

Well I am meeting another friend for coffee this afternoon. She is a whizz with the second hand shops so maybe I can find something half decent then at least I will have options if he does pursuade me I want to go out! I don't mind anyone else seeing the scars, but he will obviously know I was not in an RTA and will be able to guess what happened. He would worry a lot and feel he failed me as a friend that I felt the need to do this, that he didn't support me enough when I was depressed etc. He is under enough stress at the moment so I really don't want him to know.

So you're not going to tell him about the self harm?

No, not at this point. He has enough on his plate and would worry un-necessarily. I have other friends I can talk to about this that are better placed to give advice or be supportive. It was the first time I had tried it and it didn't make me feel any better, so I won't do it again. I don't mind the scars. They remind me that I have to try not to get this low again or I will end up dead next time, which I don't want.

You shouldn't have had to drop out of university because you can't pay tuition fees. All home students and EU students are entitled to take out a tuition fees loan, which is only repayable once your studies have been completed. If you're on a course and your personal finances have changed since starting the course, you may be able to get help through the Access to Learning Fund, administered by your university.

Is it too late to go back to your course?

I am not studying in the UK Scholes. I have to pay my tuition fees myself and the banks will not lend to students due to the recession. My parents are dead. I have no guarantor. My university does not have hardship funds, and the one scholorship avaliable I have already won, and it is only awarded once so I cannot reapply.

I can take a couple of years out from my degree to work without penalty or having to repeat subjects. If I can earn enough I go back. If I can't I don't.

Are you sure you don't want him to know about the self harm? I used to self harm and always did it on the lower arms... I think looking back I was trying to punish myself by being seen like that. My sister always used thighs and upper arms where it was easily hidden. For her it was more of a release of inner pain and I never knew about it until recently as adults.

What I am saying is, I find it hard to believe you have self harmed in an obviously noticeable location without having means to cover it from people... it seems very strange. Really, no long sleeved clothing? None? Nevermind suitable for a party, because it easy enough to explain away a boring sweater with an 'i didn't feel in a dressing up mood/coming down with a cold/came straight from x Y or z'.

By all means don't go to the party... but self harming scars don't just disappear and he will notice at some point. It is surely better to admit to it sooner rather than later... the more people know the less likely you are to do it again.

Hope you find a brighter path ahead of you and a different way of expressing yourself soon.

Dropped out of university because you couldn't afford the fees? You would have known before you began there what you would have to pay. All you did, by taking the place, was to deprive someone else of the opportunity to go to that university for your course.

Jesus, RuleBritannia. People's circumstances change! Try telling people at risk of having their houses repossessed that they shouldn't have been arrogant enough to buy them in the first place
Op, you shouldn't keep friends at arms length, sometimes we need all the support and understanding we can get. You can lean on each other till you come out the other side of this. Stay strong, and good luck.

I can see your point flyingspaghetti - I think you are right, yes part of me did want people to see me like that as a punishment. I did cut myself all over in one night - legs, stomache, breasts, left arm - I wasn't thinking at all. I looked like I had a date with Freddy Kruger. The tougher skin has healed nicely, the soft skin say on the underside of my arms has not. I have LOTS of jumpers and sweatshirts as I live in a cold location, but I can't wear a rugby shirt or woolly pully into a nice nightclub - it would be way too hot and I would stick out like a sore thumb!

And RuleBritannia - when I started the course the banks would have lent to me but I didn't want to pay interest charges for years when I didn't need to. The recession deepened, bank policies changed. What you are actually saying is how DARE I deprive a rich stupid kid from a place because I am smarter than them. I have no moral guilt about that I am afraid.

Thanks for your support Flogginmolly :) I appreciate it.

I will get a job and I WILL qualify. I know that. Once I have a decent job and have saved for 2 years I will also get a bank loan with no problems. It will be a long hard struggle, but then perhaps I will appreciate it more than if I had an easy ride.

RuleBritannia, you must be able to see from the OP's first post that she has had a very tough time. Coming on just to berate her for finding herself in difficult circumstances is very odd behaviour - do you enjoy being mean to people just for the sake of it? Would you say that to someone's face or do you just get your jollies from targeting random people on the internet? Do you only target people who are suffering? Perhaps you're suffering yourself at the moment, but that's no excuse for just being plain nasty. Luckily, judging by Skinned's last post she knows what you're saying is utter bollocks.

OP, I hope you're having a good day today.

YANBU but I do think you should probably go to the party. Having a friend cancel plans you've been looking forward to is really difficult when youv'e been having a bad time, as I'm sure you know.

With the uni thing, would your friends not be sympathetic? Or you could lie about the reason for leaving?

Do you not have any cardigans you could wear? I am a self harmer and I fully support not telling your friend (people never know what to say when it's an adult, SI is one of the last social taboos and really should be kept quiet). You need to build up a stock of long sleeved tops/cardigans you can go out in and then nobody will ever need to know.

Good luck and I hope you're feeling better.