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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be slightly panicked that dd won't be ready to start school?

44 replies

Caz10 · 15/02/2012 22:34

And yes I have been reading the daily mail thread Grin

Dd is 4.2 and will start school after summer. I have no concerns about her "academically" but am finding it so hard to imagine her having all the other skills I think she'll need. We have been trying and trying, practising and practising but she just can't seem to manage certain things.

Here is what I think she needs to able to do, do you agree? Does she sound miles behind?
-toilet training - not through lack of bloody trying, have been at it for a year now! I'd say 95% reliable but not 100% which worries me- I can see accidents happening if she doesn't feel able to ask for example

  • bum wiping - she is fine for wees, I do poos- yes I know...
  • own shoes on and off - only "easy" ones, can't do buckles or laces
  • dress herself eg for gym- she can't get tops off and occasionally struggles with getting them on- trousers, socks etc fine
  • fork and spoon no problem, knife a disaster although she does try
  • cant do zips, again not for lack of trying, I guess I just need to persevere?

I am actually a teacher but not with younger kids, so not sure about all of this. She is by no means babied but simply finds these things too difficult. Is it just a case of practice makes perfect? Is there anything else glaringly obvious I am missing?! Could your children do all of these things when they started?

OP posts:
mummytime · 16/02/2012 07:57

She will be fine, if they can't get dressed properly, they do their best. I've had year 2 s arrive home with t-shirt stuffed in a bag , after PE. Everyone has accidents in reception. Knife isn't that important, I struggle to get teenagers to use them properly. Little kids also like helping each other.
Lots of Velcro, and avoid zips (buttons are better).

seeker · 16/02/2012 07:58

My ds couldn't wipe his bottom til well into school age-he tried but for some reason he just couldn't reach! He saved his poo for home. Then suddenly, overnight he was doing it himself.

GetDownNesbitt · 16/02/2012 08:58

Laces? hah! Not using those ever!

My 5 year old isn't great at wiping and was initially terrified by the hand dryers in the school toilets. A term and a half on he is fine. He has learned how to get his polo shirt and sweatshirt over his (ridiculously big) head, has mastered zips and buttons and eats fine. There are plenty of kids who need help when they start - his friend was surprised last week about him doing his own shoes - but they learn so quickly when you Re not there to help!

myBOYSareBONKERS · 16/02/2012 09:01

Reception help list:

The summer before my August born boy went to school we started practising on preparation ? here is my list of helpful hints!

Velcro shoes ? unless they can do laces up with no help and very quickly

Make sure you contact your school to find out how to obtain the uniform. Sometimes it has to be ordered via the school and when they close at the end of July its means you won?t have a uniform for September!!

Find out which days P.E is on and on those days don?t button up the polo shirt ? with a jumper on over the top it won?t be noticed anyway!

If they have to wear proper shirts with lots of buttons that are really too difficult to do up quickly - unpick the buttons. Sew them on the "hole" side where they would end up if they were properly done up. Then get velcro and sew that onto the shirt - so when its put together it looks just like a proper done up shirt.

Or just do that to some of the buttons, so they get to practice them still (or just wear the Velcro shirt on PE days!!)

Personal care ? ensure can wash hands, sort clothing out. My son couldn?t wipe his own bottom and so I ensured he got into a ?routine? of doing one before bed so I knew he wouldn?t run into difficulties at school.

Put half a smiley face in each shoe so that when they are placed together the correct way round they form one big happy face ? helps to get the shoes on the correct feet.

Practice with a lunchbox and different wrappings. I realised that I just hand my son a plate of food (as does nursery) and so he never had to undo anything!. He found a zipped lunch box easier than a velcro one. He found cling film to fidderly and so I get cheap food bags and put his sandwiches in them and wrap them over. He then puts all his left over?s in the bag so the lunch box comes back in a decent state!

Put a slit in the top of packets so they tear open easily or open them and fold them over and seal with a sticker (children can ALWAYS get a sticker off things!).

Fromage frais makes less mess than runny yogurt. Don?t forget to pack a spoon.

Sport top on bottles easier than screw tops or cartons (it all comes home in the lunch box so think of less spillage)

Label everything unless you don?t want it back. I got some really good stickers printed with just our surname on so all the family could use them for different things. They are dishwasher proof too. Marks and Spencers do socks that have the size in them and space to write a name ? great if you have more than one child (but with different sized feet) in the same coloured socks (or is it just me who finds figuring out which socks belong to which family member a challenge!!).

Small icepack for the summer.

Some foods are not allowed in lunches so check with the school.

Before my (very young and clumsy)son had school dinners I brought a tray plate (from boots) that the food gets put directly on as that is what they use in school so he could practice carrying it to the table without dropping it. (was terrified he would drop it at school and everyone would laugh).

If they are a very small or slow eater don?t give them too much otherwise they will spend their whole lunch break eating and not outside playing. Some schools insist they eat everything. Just take a snack for on the way home if they are hungry.

Elasticated skirts and trousers to make it easier to get on/off.

If there is a 'school' coat, and it's not compulsory DON'T BUY ONE. If 30 children all have an identical coat it's a nightmare to sort them out.

Show your child how to hang their coat on a peg, using the loop. Otherwise the coat will live on a muddy cloakroom floor.

Tie something distinctive on your child's bookbag and PE bag, so they can recognise their own among many identical ones - a keyring or something is ideal

Putting his clothes back on when they are inside out and back-to-front (ie as they'll be after he's taken them off after PE). My DS could dress himself so it never occurred to me that his clothes were always presented in a nice "sanitised" manner

Some children found the sheer noise and busy environment very stressful when they first start school and I wasn't prepared for that with my son who found lunchtimes in the hall with a hundred or so other children all chattering, clanking cutlery, scraping chairs and clinking plates really intimidating and scary.

Not much you can do (unless you have a massive home and a hundred children to invite round) but by going to busy places with him beforehand and telling him that school might get noisy sometimes but it's nothing to be worried about he will at least be able to remember your words when faced with increased hustle and bustle.

My son was sometimes a bit nervous about going in and ?being alone? all day without me, so I filled his pocket with ?kisses? and told him to reach in for one if he felt a bit sad. At nearly 7yrs he still asks for them if going somewhere new (eg Beavers for the first time)

Teach your child to stuff their hat/scarf/gloves into the sleeve of their coat when they hang their coat up - stops them from getting lost and reminds dc to put them back on when they go out to play as they automatically find them when they put their coat back on!

A top tip I was given was that school shirts come in packs of three so you buy 2 packs, that gives you 6 shirts, one for every day of the week, plus 1 you put aside for the school christmas show, prize giving or whatever.

If you are a working parent, as soon as you find out your allocated school you MUST sort childcare. Childminders and after school clubs get booked up very quickly. The school office may have a list of childcare establishments.
I sewed back the bottom bit of the material away from the zip on my DS's coat when he started Reception (to make it easier to do up).

If they wear proper shirts (as opposed to polo shirts), don't bother with long sleeved ones - the cuffs will get so grubby you'll only get one day's wear out of them. Short sleeves are better!

School uniform does go missing ? be it misplaced or stolen. If you don?t need to get logo?d uniform then don?t as this is what tends to go easily. Also make your uniform more distinctive so when the children leave school you will be able to spot a piece of your Childs clothing on another child. Eg put a small key ring on the zipper of the school coat/jacket. Will make it easier to pull up as well.

Write in permanent ink inside the collar or sleeve ? any where it can be easily seen and can not be cut out (like labels). Sew a small colour co-ordinated flower/star/circle (whatever is appropriate) on the collar ? again is small but distinctive.
Phase out any after-lunch naps - they don't get this at school and it will be much harder for those who are still used to this.

Buy a nit comb and tie long hair back.
Find out where the lost box is you will be a regular

If any allergies check epi pens write in dates they need to be replaced and have a treat box at school for when children hand out cakes on their birthdays.
Checking the school bag for letters party invites daily and dealing with stuff as soon as possible such as writing the dates down and getting stuff organised for it.
Keep unsuitable xmas and birthday presents for the various donations that the school ask for throughout the year (i.e summer and xmas fetes).

I also think it's good to ask the child themselves if there is anything they are worrying about - with DS he wanted to know the "routine" was so he could mentally tick it off during the day, so I found this out and let him know. He was also worried that no one would play with him so I suggested friend making strategies e.g. saying "My name is X, what's your name, do you want to play with me?"

GingerWrath · 16/02/2012 09:10

My DD was an end of July baby that started in Sept (now year 1), most school shoes are Velcro. I knew when she had PE as invariably she came home with her jumper inside out and her shoes on the wrong feet. She wasn't the only one though.

She wasn't great at bum wiping either and regularly came home with skid marks in her pants (TMI), but she soon mastered it, and in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?

marriedinwhite · 16/02/2012 09:11

Goodness myboysarebonkers we just sort of did it. I don't get all the stressing over bottom wiping. Mine were handed paper the first time they did one out of a nappy - it never ever occurred to me to wipe their bottoms for them and thus it was never ever an issue. Although both of them save their poos for when they get home and they are 17 and 13 now Grin

Lizcat · 16/02/2012 09:15

DD is now in year 3 and I look back at all the things I worried about and know they seemed huge at the time.

Firstly the shoes if she can do velcro don't sweat at DD's school they still all have velcro in year 3 so thats one of the list.
Accidents do happen and staff are used to them , again there has been an accident in DD's class in year 3 and the child who laughed was sent out of the classroom so even at this stage they are handled sensitively.
Bum wiping DD gets it 99% percent of the time, but still 1% of the time she is in a rush and doesn't do it properly - it washes out.
Dressing and bum wiping you have another 7 months to practice and they will get better. Same goes for knife and fork.
Finally you are a teacher yourself and you know in your heart of hearts there will be children in your DD's class where the parents will have made no effort to develop these skills at all, you are working with her and she knows how the mecanics work even if the actual application is difficult.

Fourcatsonthebed · 16/02/2012 10:25

She"ll be fine - honest! With the little ones part of the learning is realising that THEY are expected to at least have a go at these things - not just expect an adult to be on hand.
It reminds me of a colleague who had a 5yo start in foundation and in the cloakroom he would just stand with his arms out stretched, not even trying to take his coat off. He didnt realise that he even could get it off himself!

Bramshott · 16/02/2012 10:35

I was convinced DD2 wouldn't be ready for school, but she has taken to it like a duck to water. Remember that the reception teachers and TAs are very used to 4 year olds and have see it all before.

zipzap · 16/02/2012 10:56

Ds2 will be starting school next year and I worry too that he won't be ready. He's still not toilet trained - nearly a year in and he still comes home from nursery having had at least one accident if not two or three. He can use the toilet fine and frequently does - it's just that if he's interested in something or tired he forgets and has an accident so really hoping that stops before school starts.

He's reasonable about getting dressed but there are some things he can't do and because of his size he really struggles - he's tiny for his age (currently the size of an average 2 year old) so he physically doesn't have the necessary height and/or strength to do some things (eg he can't flush our toilets at home despite his best efforts as he is not strong enough whereas ds1 was able to when he had got to this point). I'm also worrying that the smallest uniform I will be able to get for him will swamp him!

Best tips I had for ds1 starting school that haven't been mentioned so far...

  • practise pack lunches with all the right timings from now (there's a good selection of nice picnic stuff coming into tje shops now, better choice than waiting until august)
  • take a picture of their favourite toy/blankie/etc and use it to make a keyring for their gym bag and book bag. It's unique to them and provides a shot of comfort when they can't take the real thing with them. Most photo places do them - tesco do some that are printed onto like a credit card fob rather than the ones that are in thick plastic.
bubby64 · 16/02/2012 13:02

My 2 were very premature and so, though going by their "date" age, they were 4 and a bit when they started school, if you went by their "gestational" age, they were really at the developmental stage of a 3.5yr old, so they could not do a lot of the things on that list when they started. The school were not bothered, as said in previous posts, the teachers and support staff are used to dealing with these little ones, they didnt mind as long as they could see you were trying to help as well.
ZipZap, My twins were very small for their age when they started school (still are,TBH at 11yrs). The reception teacher on their trial day thought I had forgotten to take them home with me after taking in a sibling, I had to say, "No- they are meant to be staying here!" You can get age 3yrs poloshirts and school trousers from Asda, they were still too big, but, at least they could be taken in/up enought to fit. School shoes in their size were difficult to find, clarkes came in handy here. School logo jumpers were the worst, my 2 just got used to them coming down to their knees with the sleeves turned back several times! Mind you, these initial jumpers lasted until yr 3, where everyone else was replacing every year.

leftmymistletoeatthedoor · 16/02/2012 13:14

Ds has just turned 5 and has been at school since August. He can do zips on trousers, he can't do coats etc and he's not unusual in that at all within his year group.

He can wipe his bum but does all his poos at home anyways :)

Caz10 · 16/02/2012 22:42

Lots of home pooing going on Grin

I don't mind the mess etc but hate to think of her getting a uti or even just sore bits through not wiping properly.

I really appreciate all the brilliant tips, going to copy and paste and then calm down!!

OP posts:
PestoPenguin · 16/02/2012 22:51

Doing up the zip may be a manual dexterity thing. Playing with plasticine (not playdough, that's too soft) and small fiddly things like hama beads can help develop those muscles and skills. They're also recommended for children who find it hard to manipulate a pencil or are averse to writing/colouring.

EdithWeston · 16/02/2012 22:53

If it makes you feel better, I have DSes aged in double figures who still have Velcro shoes, poo at home and frequently omit to zip up their trousers.

leftmymistletoeatthedoor · 16/02/2012 23:08

if it makes you feel any better I still only poo at home and I am 30

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/02/2012 11:53

OP thanks for posting this thread because it has prompted me to keep trying to get DS1 to be that little bit more independent.

We have had good progress with bum wiping this week, and he can now put on his own socks. Grin

youarekidding · 17/02/2012 12:26

Yes Caz calm down Grin

I found going through a list of things DS could do easier! I realised that in fact he was a pretty independent little chap and that he'd learn the other skills.

Even now at 7yo he's useless at knife and fork and bumwiping Blush He still puts uniform on backwards sometimes too! (another home pooer though!)

BUT there is loads he can do, and some social/ emotional skills he has beyond his years. The only time you need worry is if they are totally dependent on an adult for everything and in that case the school should be supportive and be putting some support in place.

DS was 4.03 when he started school. His horrible year R teacher commented at the first parents evening (in Oct) that he was always the last ready for PE. (he was 4.2) Sad She didn't say much when I pointed out there were children in the class, already 5, who had been taught over the summer holidays to dress independently and that at 4.2 DS had learnt already. OK, he was slow! - but he could do it Grin

Sometimes I feel as parents we are made to feel inadequate if our DC's aren't mini adults the minute they walk through the school gates. Sad
(and I say this as someone who works in education)

Enjoy your DD Caz She'll learn the skills as she needs to use them, please don't use the last few months of having her home feeling pressured to get her 'up to scratch'

HappySeven · 17/02/2012 12:26

She sounds very normal to me. My DS refused to wipe his bottom until 2 days before he started school despite me saying Mrs Jones wouldn't let him into school unless he could and him really wanting to go. He was fine and does a good job 99.9% of the time.

There are shoes with velcro or maybe get her some summer sandals with buckles so she can practise.

By the way, if you're anything like me don't watch her wipe her bottom just get her to call so you can check when she's finished. Watching them do it is horrendous and I can't hide my emotion on my face!

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