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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go on holiday instead of going to a close friend's wedding?

27 replies

nicksname · 15/02/2012 15:35

I'll try to keep this brief but I also don't want to be accused of drip feeding.

I've recently split up from my DH and times have been tough. I can't afford to take the DCs on holiday this year myself but ex is taking them away for a week. As a present, my very supportive friend booked (and paid for!) a weekend in Amsterdam while the DCs are away. She didn't know this happened to be the weekend that another close friend of mine is getting married. My friend offered to take someone else instead of me and said I shouldn't feel bad but I could tell she was upset. It's also going to cost me because my name is on the airplane tickets and I don't want her to pay extra when she's already forked out a fortune for the trip. I really can't afford it though. I was also really looking to going. This friend has been the best friend anyone could ask for. The friend who is getting married is not the best friend in the whole world. I was there for her when her relationship ended but she didn't return the favour. That said, she is one of my oldest friends and it would be sad to lose her friendship over this.

I would like to go to the wedding but would much prefer to go away. AIBU?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/02/2012 15:38

If you would lose the friendship of the bride by not going to her wedding, she's not much of a friend. Whereas the one who wants to take you away is a damn good friend.

Go.

DinahMoHum · 15/02/2012 15:38

Theres probably some way you can get round it sensitively.

I wouldnt be offended if someone couldnt make my wedding, even someone close-ish

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2012 15:39

Unless you're the only guest at the wedding, take the holiday. Brides don't honestly expect 100% attendance do they?

Blu · 15/02/2012 15:40

Just explain that you are really sorry you can't go to her wedding because you have already booked a hol with another friend and it has been paid for etc....ah, I see did you get the invite first? In which case I think you can still explain honestly (but don't mention that there is any possibility of excahnging the tickets for another person). If she is a real friend she will actually understand, in the circumstances. And in any case, she has already failed you once, so can't demand first-call loyalty over you as a wedding guest.

It is an invitation, just that! To be accepted or declined.

neddle · 15/02/2012 15:41

It appears obvious what you should (and want to) do. Go on holiday, you sound like you need it.
If your wedding friend is really a friend, she won't be angry that you can't be with her due to a previous commitment.

Rhinestone · 15/02/2012 15:41

What do YOU want to do? Sounds like it's the Amsterdam trip although how much of that is because you'll have to pay if you don't go?

I would be pretty annoyed with a friend who paid for me to go away without checking with me first! But it sounds like she had the very best of intentions.

tribpot · 15/02/2012 15:42

I agree. If it's a small wedding and your absence would be somewhat glaring, you might need to think carefully. If it's a large affair (and with relatively little notice, if you've already booked plane tickets for the same weekend?) then don't feel bad - decline with thanks.

whackamole · 15/02/2012 15:43

I would go. A friend that drops you because you couldn't make her wedding is not a friend I would want IMO.

You can still get her a lovely gift to show that it is still important to you, even if you couldn't be there.

TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 15/02/2012 15:44

Go

redwineformethanks · 15/02/2012 15:47

Did your friend book and pay for tickets without even checking if you were available? That sounds a bit odd to me.

So long as you give plenty of notice that you can't go to the wedding, I wouldn't worry about declining the invitation

MissCoffeeNWine · 15/02/2012 15:48

You get invited to weddings, not subpoenaed. You don't have to go. I don't go to most I get invited to, and I don't think I'll be the only one. Go on holiday, ut don't make it a friend vs friend thing, it's not, it's just a clash of events.

Original poster
nicksname · 15/02/2012 15:48

It's a huge wedding (150 people) so I doubt I'll be missed. I really want to go away as selfish as that sounds. I have no idea how much it would cost to change the name on the tickets. I haven't seriously looked into that yet.

I'm swayed towards going away.

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/02/2012 15:51

Had you RSVPed already to the wedding? I'd missed that possibility until Blu mentioned it. I'd still be tempted to bow out but I'd feel worse about it under those circs :)

FredFredGeorge · 15/02/2012 15:54

Go away for the weekend, surprised you're even thinking about it really!

Pandemoniaa · 15/02/2012 15:55

It's not selfish to think of yourself sometimes. Contradictory as that may sound! From what you say, a holiday is just what you need. If the wedding has 150 guests then you really won't be missed either but I wouldn't go into great detail when you RSVP. Just thank the other friend for the invitation but say you are sorry you cannot attend since you will be away on holiday.

ItWasABoojum · 15/02/2012 15:57

Go, have a wonderful time, and send your wedding friend a card and some flowers (pre-wedding) to thank her for understanding, if she does (definitely a thank you and NOT an apology though). I'm the most guilt-ridden person in the world normally, but no decent friend would grudge you a lovely weekend away after a tough year and there's no way you should feel bad about this.

BeeBawBabbity · 15/02/2012 15:57

Go go go. If the bride is any sort of friend she'll realise you need a break. And enjoy it!!

OTheHugeManatee · 15/02/2012 16:02

Go on the holiday. If your getting-married friend gets the massive arse with you for the crime of accepting a much-needed break following a rough time then she's a pretty shit friend. Provided you give her plenty of notice that you're not coming so she can manage numbers, I think this remains the case even if the holiday offer turned up after the invitation. You sound like you've had a crap time and if a friend told me that she couldn't come after all because the weekend of my wedding was the only chance she had of an affordable post-divorce break I'd be disappointed but not eternally offended.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 15/02/2012 16:07

Have you already RSVPed to the wedding invitation? If you have I think your committed. If not you can reasonably accept the holiday instead.

YouOldSlag · 15/02/2012 18:39

TBH, if someone replied to a wedding invite with "I'm sorry but I'll be away on that date", I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Go with your lovely friend to Amsterdam and just explain you're out of the country to the bride. It really shouldn't be a problem.

Original poster
nicksname · 15/02/2012 19:55

Nope, not been invited yet. Invitations aren't out yet. Obviously I'd give her a lovely present and would have liked to have been there but I'm desperately excited about my break away too!

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/02/2012 20:01

Your friend should also understand that in the circumstances, you probably dont really feel like going to a wedding either... if she is a proper friend, she will be sympathetic and tell you she hopes you have a great holiday.

tribpot · 15/02/2012 20:02

Oh well if you've not RSVPed or been asked to hold the date then it's unfortunate but there it is, you made other plans. And you deserve to have a good time, Amsterdam rocks!

fivegomadindorset · 15/02/2012 20:16

As long as you have not yet formally replied to the wedding then you should have no qualms and go on holiday. Have fun.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 15/02/2012 20:22

longstanding commitment - I think she would have to be crazy bridezilla to get cross!