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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think social networks make RIP's cheap

28 replies

eggandtoastedsoldiers · 15/02/2012 10:38

Okay bit of a rant. AIBU to get angry when people flood to Facebook to announce some celebrity has died? I hate seeing slapdash YouTube tributes and "alway in our hearts", it just feels so detatched from real human emotion and not just celebrities...

My uncle passed a year ago, was a teacher and battled with cancer for two years. In the end it was horrible for the whole family, not only to have him pass but the whole ordeal as he was in recovery and being put on the wrong medicine he died suddenly. Needless to say it was hard to greive and every Tom, Dick and Harry posted photos on Facebook. Which I know sounds heartless to say but I couldn't help it feeling sensationalised just like when any other person you know of dies and you fill your wall with OMG! OXOX frowny face*, here's a YouTube video.

OP posts:

SaltResistantSlug · 15/02/2012 10:57

...plus people often post RIPs on Twitter when someone hasn't actually died! Imagine how a family member would feel if they stumbled across it.

Sorry for your loss.

areyoumad · 15/02/2012 11:03

Hiya egg - I can see both parts of it tbh, I would never post an RIP to someone on my FB unless I knew them well, and to be fair I think it's fairly respectful if done tactfully.
If I had found out an old teacher of mine had passed (that I liked) I would probably comment something along the lines of "RIP Mrs Teacher, I remember fondly you showing me x y and z", no pictures, so links to you tube, no anything else, just an acknowledgement that someone had passed.

When it has been someone close to me, I have to say if I have posted it has been afterwards, with something like " Goodbye to a great friend, I hope you liked the send off - we will miss you"

I don't generally post on the celebrities, I do think that's a bit shallow.

ajandjjmum · 15/02/2012 11:09

A friend - although not a very close friend - from South Africa died recently. For various reasons I thought a great deal of her - and according to the posts, so did many, many others. I learned of her death via FB, and sent messages to her sons, but have also written to the family.

I know that the sheer volume of messages has left her family knowing that she was dearly loved, which in itself, has been a bit of a comfort.

Her family used FB to let distant people know the funeral arrangements.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 15/02/2012 11:45

I think there is more than one side to this, people use fb in different ways and people use grief in different ways.

Some people find it a huge comfort to use fb about things like this, and I think that is one way that fb is a very good thing.

When my childless Uncle died, all of us cousins (about 20 of us who live all over the UK and a couple in Europe) appreciated being able to have one place where we could all are memories and sympathise with each other and plan what we could do for our Aunt.

I have other examples of this with friends, and last year when my friends sister died, she took a lot of comfort from friends of her sisters on fb who she would have had no way of contacting otherwise.

I would prefer to see the best in people, and believe that if people are posting about the loss of someone I love or care for then that means they are thinking of that person and of the people who are grieving for them.

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 11:57

I think it's a bit tasteless. When my granny died 2 years ago a friend heard via another friend and posted her condolensces on my page. I hadn't mentioned it on FB mainly because very few of my 'friends' on there knew her personally so it didn't feel right. It was a family time. Cue 3 days later and I log in to numerous notifications of messages on my wall from people I don't consider 'close' but didn't even know my granny existed. It all felt a bit disingenuous and empty. I had a very heated conversation with the person who posted on my wall initially. In a case like that I would probably PM if I had no other means of contact tbh.

catgirl1976 · 15/02/2012 11:59

Its grief tourism. It's tacky and tastless. YANBU

lazylula · 15/02/2012 12:09

We found out about our nephew's death through facebook as his friends posted within an hour of it happening and due to the circumstances we hadn't had the chance to hear first. That said, it has been nice to read how loved he was over the couple of months he has been gone, I just wish wish a little thought had been given by those who heard so quickly that maybe due to the circumstances his family may not have heard and should have waited a while.

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 12:16

Oh my lazylula that is truly awful and I am sincerely sorry for your loss. I think an element of decorum has been lost due to social networking, and I also agree with the 'grief tourism' quote, particularly in instances of young people passing away. I suspect a fair bit of the expressed grief is 'being part' of it all, which feels a bit empty. I'm a bit anti-Facebook anyway and find that it causes more problems than anything else!

Megatron · 15/02/2012 12:36

YANBU. I was heartbroken when my dad died and the last thing I felt like doing was announcing it on facebook. However a friend of mine (who did not know him) did put it on f/b which resulted in a 50 comment conversation about what had happened and how he died between people that I hardly knew. I was absolutely horrible to see. I only found out about it because another friend told me and she told the person concerned to remove it.

ajandjjmum · 15/02/2012 13:08

I suppose some of it comes down to how you (if you) use FB. I have around 50 friends, all of whom I know pretty well, and who I would have no problem knowing what is going on in my life.

When - like my DC - you've got 800 friends, you can't possibly know them all well.

Horrible for you lazylula - one of DD's schoolfriends died in an accident in December, and everyone seemed to be trying to out-do each other on his wall.
Sad.

catgirl1976 · 15/02/2012 13:10

I think grief should be private and FB etc makes it very public

I guess since the Diana phenomenom this has become more prevelant but I really find it uncomfortable and distasteful

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 14:06

yy ajandjjmum I get the out doing each other thing. I see it a lot on dd's FB. It's like a competition to see who knew the poor departed better or something. Lots of 'I didn't know you but RIP you are an angel now' and 'you were my best friend' written by about 200 people and all that tosh. Heaven forbid I should lose a young person but if I saw posts like that I'd be tempted to log on and tell them all to feck off. I suppose this generation just participate in a whole different way these days. My dd still doesn't believe me when I tell here there was no internet when I was young .

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 15/02/2012 14:11

I don't see why grief shoud be private, unless that's how an individual experiencing it wants it to be.

Grief is a personal thing, and there is no good reason why it shouldn't be shared if that's what helps people.

I realise there are people that will use fb insensitively, or who will indulge in some competitive misery, but that is down to idiots, not facebook.

ajandjjmum · 15/02/2012 14:11

MissS
Totally off topic - I was shopping with DD and bumped into a woman of my age, and we had a good old catch up chat. She was with her DD too. When we left, DD asked who it was, I told her, only to be told 'oh yes, we're friends on FB'. They didn't even recognise each other!!!

mycatsaysach · 15/02/2012 14:12

i have posted on fb when i lost a family member recently as some of my fb friends live in his street.i wouldn't have phoned them but it felt fine to post a comment for anyone who knew him.
i was very pleasantly surprised (and comforted) by some lovely replies from the people i wanted to let know and also other friends of mine.
on the other hand when i told people i knew in rl they tended to brush over it and not really know what to say.

ajandjjmum · 15/02/2012 14:12

not some random woman - I did know her!!

MissSayuri · 15/02/2012 14:16

Yes aj, I've experienced something similar. I know kids of friends who have my dd on Facebook yet we've walked past them on the street and they haven't even acknowledged each other. I think they just like to get the friends list up and anyone will do!

Hassled · 15/02/2012 14:22

Is it a generational thing? I feel the same distaste as the OP - there's just something a bit crass about it. It's all part of the same squirmishness I had when Diana died and people were weeping and wailing in the streets. Public displays of grief just don't sit well.

But actually, isn't that just me being repressed? Isn't it more healthy to have the public displays, either on FB or on the streets?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2012 15:21

"Isn't it more healthy to have the public displays,..."

Not really. The public displays are too often the equivalent of the wailing women some cultures hire to add extra sobbing and renting of garments at funerals. All rather contrived and done for effect than out of any real sense of grief. It isn't being 'repressed' to grieve with those close to you rather than stand on a soap-box.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 15/02/2012 15:28

It's not being distasteful to reach out to others who might feel the same loss you do either though. Even if it is on Facebook.

mrsjay · 15/02/2012 15:29

no YANBU at all I hate this nonsense and tributes and always in our hearts hate it with a passion , I also find it disrespectful when i see somebody posting about a familiy member or a friends tragedy on facebook , maybe they didnt want it broadcasted to everybody , I had 1 whos friends baby had died the friend was devastated for the mother , and followed by RIP you are with the angels now , it really made me uncomfy and sad for the mum who didnt give permission for a death notice all over facebook ,

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/02/2012 15:46

Yes, they do, without question. So mawkish and self-indulgent.

mum80 · 15/02/2012 16:05

Yes, I don't like it either. It especially hurts when you lose your mum, post to tell people and some people fail to comment. Yet the following week they are saying how sad it it is x celebrity died.
I prefer to save my grief for people closer to home.

BettyBathroom · 15/02/2012 16:09

Also feels sometimes like people are attention seeking - they try to gain sympathy for the death of someone they hardly knew by posting about it on a social networking site - I find that really distasteful.

mrsjay · 15/02/2012 16:11

I agree with you betty it is a bit of attention seeking by some anyway as they usually have comments and it must make them feel special or wanted or something

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