To really not know who to name as guardian in my will?

[Impsandelves]

We have young children, and really should write our wills.

We are putting it off as we cannot agree who we would name as legal guardians of the children should we both die.

I am not even sure if we get to decide in our will, or if the courts decide? I distinctly remember my parents telling me who would be appointed guardian to me and my siblings should they die - they had it written in their wills.

But I have also heard that the decision is made by the courts, as the closest capable relative.

Another concern is, what if the person appointed their guardian didn't have the financial ability to raise your children? Are you supposed to leave the guardian your estate as well, or part of it, to assist?

Does anyone have any real knowledge of this, and are we being unreasonable not to have at least something put on paper?

Reading a few more posts has made me realise I understand more than some what this sort of thing means. My mum and dad divorced when I was 1 and I didn't see my dad again till I was 15. My mum re-married when I was 3 and he was my 'dad' they had my brother when I was 4 but he then died suddenly when I was 7. I think that I am well aware this sort of thing does happen, that's why I am so worried about it.

Keeping :( It's very hard when you have children with special/additional needs, it's an even bigger ask of people isn't it. You could appoint your Mum, it doesn't mean that she has to actually be the one physically caring for them, just that she would ensure they were cared for in the best way possible. Would that enable you to just take a step in the right direction? - to get your will done so that you know that it's taken care of. You can still keep thinking about it afterwards and get it updated if you think of a better plan.

That is a good idea chipping. I will have to suggest that to DH. I really need to get it done for my own piece of mind if nothing else.

I looked into this many years ago, firstly when my BF had children (must have been 22 years ago) and she was looking into making a will. Simlilar situation, elderly parents, no siblings and ILs were very "toxic".,

We ph SS to see what the legal stand point would be. Mind this is 22 years ago. The SS said that any appointed guardians would have to go through the same vetting procedure as foster parents. That may or may not be the case now.

Again when we made our wills (and we update regularly), we were in a similar situation with no-one to look after the children if we died. Our parents are dead, my brother certainly wouldnt be able to cope and BIL - well, 'nuff said! I had a discussion with my step-sister, knowing that it was unlikely to happen and she was agreeable. Down side is that she lives abroad and the SS may be unwilling to let British citizens go abroad.

We also protected our assets, appointed financial overviewers who would release monies towards the childrens upkeep.

This will certainly change as each child reaches 18. Wills will be altered to protect those still in education until the last one leaves full time education then the equilibrium will be restored.

Can I also say, wills should cover every eventuality. If you were to all die in an horrific motorway pile up, together, and no time of death can be established it is assumed in law that the youngest occupant died last. So you may have made a will, as has your husband but your children havent. So generally the law will decide that the parents died and the child inherited, the child died and died intestate (what child makes a will?) and therefore next of kin will be decided that way.... so that would be grand parents (equally) followed by blood aunts and uncles, followed by cousins.

Wills are very complex and should not be left that people can second guess what you meant.

This thread has got me worried all over again about this! DH and I do not want any grandparents to gain guardianship over DC if something were to happen to either of us (IMO they are too old and all have ishoos) but have no idea who else to name. Our best friends (his and mine) already have all the children they want/can handle, aunts & uncles have no children and are not in a position to look after anyone else's (its a big ask anyway) - I've been saying I'd want DS and any subsequent children to be adopted into a family if we were to die.. Are you saying that family could contest this (and have a good chance at winning) even if it was put in a will just because they're related?!

Another thing that concerns me and stops me considering asking friends is that we have no assets to pass down to pay for everything that comes with having children (for many of them lack of money is the reason they don't have more of their own) - if we had life insurance would this be used for the DCs upkeep?

It's worrying stuff! Anybody know how much an independent financial/legal adviser would cost?

Thank you OP for bringing this subject to light - I hope you get things sorted, we certainly need to!

DH and I are older parents and this has been a huge consideration for us too OP.

First choice would be: My Mum would have both DC's. LAST choice (over my dead body, literally) would be MIL (sorry, but it's true...she fecked up her own children in the nicest middle-class way possible, not getting the chance to repeat history with mine).

Thankfully we have a third choice.

Mr Perfect Guardian is a very close friend of the family. He is the kindest, gentlest, and most trustworthy person we know. He has a wonderful relationship with DCs and they adore him. I could rest in peace knowing that this wonderful man was caring for my children should the worst ever happen.

Just got to get around to having the big discussion with him, and include our wishes in our will.

Our wills cost around £500 IIRC Nice.
We basically went to the solicitor, said 'this is what we want to happen' and she fired some 'what if's?' at us and drew them up. Fairly painless, once you decide what you want to do!

You set up a trust for your estate (life insurance, house) and you'll probably need trustees to administer that for the benefit of the DCs. We felt it would be better for the trustees not to be the guardians, so there was separation of the money from the care. They'd get a weekly sum from the trust, with the options of asking the trustees for more if needed (ie if they needed to buy a bigger house or something).

With a good solicitor it isn't complicated so I would urge you to get it done. It is a really positive step to take, IYSWIM and you feel good once its all boxed off.

I'm in Scotland btw so some of the terms and stuff are different but the principles are the same!

It's important that you understand that money held in trust under a life insurance policy, including a death in service policy, is not treated as part of your estate for inheritance tax calculations.

Making a will is really painless once you've decided who to appoint as you executors and guardians. I always recommend that the guardians should not also act as executors if possible, as if children are under 18 then a trust will arise and the executors will act as trustees. There should be independence between guardians and executors/trustees for that reason.

If anyone wants further info, my advert (5*Will Writing Service) is over on the Small Business section of Classifieds, or I'm happy to answer any questions if you want to PM me.

Guardians don't have to be the people looking after the children - they are the people you trust to make the decision about what will happen to them. When I was in my 20's a friend was guardian for her siblings when their mum died, both went to live with family friends as she was not in a position to look after them and continue at Uni - which everyone agreed she should do. It really worked out well for all of them.

We asked my (ex)SIL and she said 'no' didn't want the responsibility as her kids were about 10 yrs older and she didn't want to 'start again' with little ones I never quite got over that! In the end we appointed 2 single friends (not a couple) one is a single parent and I'm named as guardian for her dcs. Our dcs always knew that X and Y would make sure they were OK if anything happened to us and that their GM would drop everything to look after them if she could. Make the will! you can always change it if circumstances change.

my view...

for most parents the chance of both parents dying are so remote that it not worth tearing ourselves apart working out a backup plan for every eventuality. What we have done (or more accurately, what mumblechum did for us :) ) was to appoint my parents as guardians with the clear understanding that this did not necessarily mean that we expect them to look after our dc full time, but that we were giving them the power to make the best decision or our dc at the time taking into account their age/needs and the current situation/wishes of other family members. I saw no point in having long morbid conversations with our various sibilngs and friends as to what they sould or wouldn't be prepared to do in the event of our death. I trust my parents to make the best decision at the time.

and wave at Sarkywench