about lack of compromise from Dh

[Jayfer]

I love my DH to bits. He's fantastic. I'm disabled and he works v hard to support me and our ds (21mo).
He is currently working full time and is part way through a masters degree. We both would like another child in the future and i was trying to get him to agree on starting to try for another baby towards the final few months of his degree. Our ds would be 3.5yrs by then and i think it would be the best time. But he's refused and says he wants time after his degree where he's not running around to spend time with us. I can see where he is coming from but i think we will always be running around for one reason or another.
This baby can't be spontaneous as I'm on certain meds which means quite a lot of planning (with our ds i had to be med free for a year). I receive a care package from the council to help me phyically care for my son and i'm worried that it will be stopped through lack of funds.
My dh refuses to compromise on his plan and i feel that my opinion doesn't matter. (this is my first AIBU so please be kind).

You can't compromise on having a baby, its either a yes or a no. Don't you think he will deserve a break after finishing the masters while working full time?

I think if your dh is working that hard at the moment it is unfair to pressure him about having another child right now. He is under enough pressure already.

It's fair enough, and very understandable that he wants a little time out after he finishes his degree.

What would your idea of a compromise be?

Your DH sounds sensible.
He sounds very busy and possibly just doesn't want to take anything more on at the moment.

What is your compromise?

Perhaps your DH isn't sure he can cope with having an extra child to look after on top of everything else?

In an ideal world yours sounds like a good idea but perhaps the thought of a reduction in "work" is what is helping your dh going?

I couldn't just read and run, but please excuse typo due to wine.

I don't think yabu but I do think you both have to talk nd and make this decision together. I don't have the pron you have with meds but I don't ovulate without clomid so I also had to plan my next dc. We talked a lot about it and decided that we'd like to ttc so ds was starting school when the next one came along. We've been unsuccessful so far, but the reason we decided to wait was to give us time with ds as an only child and also so that we wouldnt struggle too much financially.

I am only 30 this year so I feel fortunate in terms of time, not sure if that's a pressure on you.

You need to talk to your dh. I can see both sides, but I really can see he would like some time to appreciate life with you and dc1 before any more dc come along.
It's a tough decision and a tough talk for you both.

Thanks for the replies. I do get where he's coming from, he does work very hard. After his degree he wants to get chartered then he will be looking for a different job so i see him running about for years to come. He's that type of guy. He's slways working hard.
My compromise would be to start trying in May 2013 then we would have 5-6 months after his degree before next dc came along. Thats only if we conceived straightaway. We were very lucky with ds as he came along almost immediately.
What do you think? Too demanding?

The council package..... It would need adjusting, expanding on? They would then be helping you care for another child. And extra care for you whilst pregnant and off meds. Cuts being what they are, it could well all be gone, or become very very scaled down. And soon. What then?

I don't think you can compromise on another child. It has to be something that both of you want whole hearted otherwise you risk resentment creeping in later. I think also you need to be clearer about the implications of the councils cuts as well before you commit to anymor children in case they leave you in a position where you would struggle to support two children.
I do sympathise I would like a second child but DH doesn't think he can cope with the early months again. DD had terrible colic and lack of sleep was a contributor to both me and DH being diagnosed with depression in the year after her birth. I hope he'll reconsider when DD's older but if he doesn't I'll respect his opinion because a baby must be wanted by both parents.

I think YABU, your own compromise is to wait 5 months for something you want. He is already caring for you (physically and financially) as well as parenting one child.

Given you are receiving a state care package to enable you to care for the child you already have, what will happen if they pull the benefits and you have two children to care for? Do you expect your DH to quit work? How will you support two children and two adults then.

Its an enourmous amount to ask of him and he shouldnt be pushed into it if he doesnt want it.

Ok, you won't like this but should you even be considering having another child? Do you know 100% that DH actually wants another one at all? let alone another one fairly soon?

What are the implications of the care package stopping - will you be up shit creek then?

I know that sounds really harsh and I do genuinely feel so sorry for you, I can't imagine how hard it all must be, and I do understand how it feels to really really want another child, but is it possible that having another child is just going to be too much for you all (DH) to cope with?

I would also add that even though DH seems to cope with everything, even the strongest people can snap if pushed too far...

He sounds like he is shouldering enough to be fair.

Chartered what though? Will getting chartered status make a huge difference in terms of career, and is it something that can wait until later? My dh promised me he would go for his Chartered status in 1993. It took over a decade for him to redeem that promise, and actually, career wise it hasn't made a difference. Waiting the ten years in hindsight meant that he had completed lots of the requirements in the jobs he had done, so it was easier than it might have been otherwise.

It will make a difference post HM Forces I expect, but doesn't at present.

My dh did his MA whilst working full time, and he needed some time not doing both work and the academics. I'd give him a break and some time to decide on his next priorities before ttc. You may decide to stick at one child.

"My dh refuses to compromise on his plan and i feel that my opinion doesn't matter."

I think you might be confusing "compromise" with "doing exactly what you want on the timescale that you want it". He isn't ready to think about this at the moment, you're going to have to let it go until he is.

I don't think your compromise sounds like much of a compromise tbh. It sounds like exactly what you want with the difference of a couple of months. Having children is something where there isnt a lot of room for compromise really, you both either want it 100% or your don't, and if you don't you shouldn't be doing it.

I'm not sure I see your point about your care package, maybe you could explain how it works more. They will either cut back on it or they won't, but I would hav ethought that if you genuinely believe there is a chance it might be cut back, then you shouldn't be planning another child at all.

You are asking a lot of your dh, too much IMO. It would be much kinder to him, and more sensible anyway, to hold of ttc until he has a job that he is happy with. You could come off your meds when he qualifies.

How come you can come off meds for a pregnancy and to ttc but can't come off them for everyday life?

That's a genuine question by the way. Not being difficult but genuinely wondering

What do you think?Too demanding?

TBH yes, I think too demanding.
He is working hard to support you and your child, he is trying to gain better qualifications presumably to get a better job.
He possibly doesn't want to add to his responsibilities ATM. He's still got work to do to gain his qualifications and then potentially, new a new job to find.
He sounds like a sensible bloke. I think you sound a bit selfish OP.