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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Valentine's present... AIBU?

49 replies

errrseriously · 14/02/2012 17:10

Got DH some chocs and wine. We don't do cards.

Neighbour saw me bring them in and said 'Oh, I was waiting for your flowers to be delivered' (I have been out all day). I laughed and said DH would never do that.. Genuinely, I would never expect that.

I needed to text DH and related the story to him. He did laugh too, but then replied: I tidied the bedroom FOR YOU.

Now I am really angry. What he means is that I do not do enough around the house and he has done this 'for me' because I haven't done it. He hasn't done it for me at all. He has done it for himself. Because he thinks we live in a frigging hotel. Not a home.

THIS is my gift. He TIDIED HIS OWN FRIGING BEDROOM. And presumably I am supposed to be suitably thankful.

SO, AIBU?

I am SAHM (to two pre-school children, one of whom has SN), have no help and he (on an average week) does NO housework at all. He earns all money.

OP posts:

minimisschief · 14/02/2012 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Northernlurker · 14/02/2012 19:03

Minimiss - I have reported your post. That is really rude and uncalled for.

Op - you and dh need to talk about what your expectations of each other are.

Original poster

errrseriously · 14/02/2012 19:24

So, MINIMISSCHIEF, If I went out and earned £50 then made out that ALL the money he earns somehow wasn't enough, and he ought to be thankful for me doing an evenings / nights babysitting??????????? I could honestly expect a big whoopsie doo for that?

OP posts:

Original poster

errrseriously · 14/02/2012 19:25

ANd, also, have you TRIED to convince a child with autism that routines can be changed because a different person packed toys away and they are not in the same place... BEcause if you have, and succeeded you should write a rudddy book you would make millions.

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 14/02/2012 19:27

Parenting an SN child brings a set of circumstances unique to that child, so yanbu for being stressed and over wrought.

Two preschoolers is also hard, hard work.

Your dh thinks he's helped. He's got it quite spectacularly wrong, but that seems more through ignorance than malice.

NorksAreMessy · 14/02/2012 19:36

maureen that made me properly LOL.
I hope the lizard is happy :)

aldiwhore · 14/02/2012 19:37

I think you're over thinking it.

ImperialBlether · 14/02/2012 19:42

I think you are really angry and you need to work out what you're angry about.

It's not right that your children can't play with their toys. How is it that they have to play in your bedroom and not in the living room?

Your husband should help out - he's at work all day but is presumably home all evening. It's not right that he does nothing.

Mallinky · 14/02/2012 19:45

He thinks he did a nice thing, although he's a bit misguided.

I think you should just appreciate it and be nice about. Hopefully he'll keep it up.

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 20:05

Is it any surprise he does nothing if this is the reaction to doing a spot of tidying in the bedroom?

Seriously, just pull a few toys out for tomorrow and buy a pop up toy basket when you get the chance.

rhondajean · 14/02/2012 20:08

Drink his wine, eat his chocolates and tell him you ate and drank them for him. Then trot off for a long snooze in peace in your lovely tidy room while it lasts.

Sorry but I think thats completely crap of him.

COCKadoodledooo · 14/02/2012 20:18

I really don't get this. Your children can only play in your bedroom? You have no lounge? They have no room of their own?

It is unreasonable of him to expect his children not to play with things. It is not unreasonable to be a bit peeved that he did it 'for you' and that is your only gift, but personally I'd be bloody delighted if dh tidied up and I didn't have to!

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/02/2012 20:27

I think it was a nice gesture. If the deal was you stay home and do the bulk of the housework whilst he earns enough to provide for you then he's done something extra and saved you a job.

The toys should be in the childrens rooms, in baskets or tubs that can easily be accessed or tidied, would save any hassle.

MaybeSheWill · 14/02/2012 20:53

At least he tried. He got it wrong, but he made an effort. He deserves some points for effort.

Could be worse.

PurplePidjin · 14/02/2012 21:02

One of the OP's dcs has autism, this disruption to routine is potentially catastrophic, hence the stress.

Imagine the toddler tantrum because the pear wasn't (or was, I can't remember??) cutted up. Then project that onto every waking moment. Then add kicking, biting, punching, screaming etc. Every. Waking. Moment.

And you can see why denying access to a few toys is a big deal.

MaybeSheWill · 14/02/2012 21:05

So move the toys?

MaybeSheWill · 14/02/2012 21:06

I'm sorry, I have no experience of SN so I'm probably massively oversimplifying something that is a big problem.

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 21:15

The OP has the hump because the toys are 'packed away and inaccessible'

All she has to do is pull a few out of wherever he packed them and give them to the kids to play with.

PurplePidjin · 14/02/2012 21:22

You're not the only one

With an NT child, they can see what has happened, ask Mum to get the toys out, and play.

For someone like my 6yo niece, or many young people I've worked with, the change in routine has triggered a full screaming meltdown before the higher brain circuits have worked out how to deal with it. A bit like someone giving you a quadratic equation to do while in the mosh pit at a heavy metal gig.

This could be the difference between the OP's dc eating, washing and dressing tomorrow and spending the day screaming the house down and possibly the OP and other dc being covered in bruises - not all autistic people lash out, but it is a common coping strategy for someone unable to communicate in any other way.

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 21:24

Yes but the thread doesn't say "AIBU to think my DH doesn't understand that our Autistic son mustn't have his routine changed"

She's upset about something quite different and mentioned the toy thing in more 'by the way' type thing.

MaybeSheWill · 14/02/2012 21:26

:( That does sound hard.

I quite like the idea of solving quadratic equations in a mosh pit though, but I'm a weirdo maths nut that loves heavy metal. I get what you mean though :)

EmilyStrange · 14/02/2012 21:27

Frankly I am a sahm but not a housewife. We still divvy up chores and housework. My day is spent doing childcare and any house stuff gets done if there is time. So I would be flaming if tidying our bedroom was considered a present. But my dh knows that.

It sounds to me like there are bigger issues. Does he understand the extent of the work involved in raising a special needs child not to mention little kids anyway? Sounds like you need to have a big conversation.

Backtobedlam · 14/02/2012 21:31

I don't think YABU...you're a stay at home MUM not a cleaner. It's not a special treat for you to have a tidy bedroom, it's something you both want so if he has a spare 5/10minutes it's moving deal for him to do it. If you left the 2 dc's in another room while you tidied the bedroom it would defeat the object as I'm sure that room would then be a mess...unless that's just my house?!

PurplePidjin · 14/02/2012 21:31

That's a massive can of worms, Worra Men coping with a dx of SN. The kindest thing I can say is that 75% just don't

I was just trying to shed some light on why the OP has gone quite so overboard about what looks, superficially, like your classic "dh does fuck all then expects me to be grateful he picked his wet towel up off the bed"

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