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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to believe that you can never make your children "too happy" ?

48 replies

gwendolinefairfax · 14/02/2012 13:36

In a nutshell, not having had the most idyllic childhood I have tried to give my kids a stable home with love,encouragement and lots of laughs.

According to my brother (who has no children of his own and never had a long lasting relationship) I am not preparing them for the hard times ahead in adulthood as my home is "too happy" and not a good reflection of what life is (which is miserable in his case) I have thought about this a long time. Could he be right ?

OP posts:
Kayano · 14/02/2012 13:39

Don't know really

I had a Shock when I moved
Out and had to... You know... Pay for
Stuff and ... Clean stuff. My mother equated 'happy' with martyrdom and I was
Totally Spoilt.

It depends on if it's like that, or it
It's full of laughter but they are
Respectful etc...

You do have to prepare them in some way for the real world but that shouldn't equate
To miserable kids lol

edam · 14/02/2012 13:40

no, he's talking bollocks. What are you supposed to do, make them ruddy miserable just to satisfy your miserable brother? Maybe your brother would have had a happier adult life had his childhood been better. Whatever, he can't use his experiences as a template for your dds, who are different people, living in different times, with different parents. He sounds quite bitter but why should his misery be inflicted on your dds?

A happy childhood will give your children confidence and resilience to cope with whatever adulthood throws at them.

LilacWaltz · 14/02/2012 13:40

Happy or could it be they are spoilt?

Bonsoir · 14/02/2012 13:41

I do think that you have to prepare children for adulthood, which means gently getting them to increasingly fend for themselves, in all circumstances.

sunshineandbooks · 14/02/2012 13:43

Your DB is BU.

I had a very happy childhood. It has possibly made me less ambitious than I might be, but it has not made me less adaptable or less able to cope. Indeed, as an adult I've coped with the death of both parents (including dealing with probate and acting as executor for the estate), upwards of 15 house moves, the emigration of my sister, balancing an 80-hour week with studying for a Masters, DV, and being made homeless. I maintain firmly that the reason I have been able to deal with all this with minimum disruption is because I had such a stable and happy childhood.

I'd agree that not making your children stand on their own two feet can be damaging, but that doesn't equate to making them unhappy.

FunnysInTheGarden · 14/02/2012 13:43

no, you can never make your child too happy, but you can obv spoil them which is not good. I don't think you need to prepare them for hard times ahead though and anyway how on earth would you actually do that?

worldgonecrazy · 14/02/2012 13:49

Your brother is talking out of his bottom. It's the same stupid 'parenting' idea that says not cuddling children toughens them up and makes them less likely to be clingy, that teaching children to fight/punch means they will become bullies won't be bullied.

It's not just common sense that supports your parenting, there have been oodles of scientific studies which show time-and-time again, that people from a loving and secure background do better with life's troubles.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 14/02/2012 13:51

A happy secure childhood makes for confident independent adults

mewantcookiesmenocanwait · 14/02/2012 13:52

YANBU and it's terribly sad for your poor brother that, for him, normal adult responsibility="hard times".

Pandemoniaa · 14/02/2012 13:54

A happy, secure upbringing is just what a child needs to give them the confidence to face whatever challenges come along when they are grown up. Encouraging a child to believe that life is a Vale of Tears and other gloomy shit equips them to deal with nothing useful at all.

OTheHugeManatee · 14/02/2012 13:58

Right, so you should make your children arbitrarily miserable now and then to 'toughen them up'?

What utter bollocks Hmm

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 14/02/2012 14:00

YANBU

Saw a program looking at psychopaths and their brains - turns out one of the researchers came from a family full of killers. When he tested his families DNA and scanned their brains turned out he was the one with the genes and brain shape that psychopaths had. Reason he hadn't turned into a violet killer but was happy successful family man - yep a very happy childhood.

Though I agree with Bonsoir about gently giving them skills and experience of fending for themselves.

Stokey38 · 14/02/2012 14:00

I disagree with your brother 100%. As a child I was never encouraged and my mum was never big on hugs or telling me she loved me and it's had a huge impact on my confidence as an adult. I make sure I tell my DCs how much I love them and how wonderful they are all the time, because to me they are. They seem very happy.

Original poster
gwendolinefairfax · 14/02/2012 14:03

Thank you all, I don't spoil them I don't think...but I do cuddle them loads, praise them when they've done well... What I have got right is the love and respect they have for each other, the solidarity they have ...it's quite touching really. We never had that. It was dog eat dog growing up, so our house is very different.

He was infering that they'd all turn out to be inadequate in life because we are always so nice to each other and nice is weak, basically.

OP posts:
Original poster
gwendolinefairfax · 14/02/2012 14:08

Stokey I'm the same !!

I did tell him to f@ck off as it happens but he made me doubt myself which is not good.

OP posts:
theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 14/02/2012 14:12

My mother thinks we should discourage our DC from being close and wanting to play with each other Hmm thus doing away with one of the major pay offs of having DC close together in age.

DH tells me she's mad and that it odd that I feel I can't ring my siblings directly as she wants all communication to go through her.

MollyBroom · 14/02/2012 14:16

It depends on how you are creating that happiness or how you define happiness. If it is about buying material objects , then yes I think you can make your children happy. I suspect my children would be happier in the short term if I spent more on them , but I want them to learn that material goods need earning and this can take time. If you mean happiness to mean a life free of chores , again I think this is a mistake.

I think praise is important but again it needs to be earned rather than lavishly thrown about in a non directed manner. For example today my son went next door to tend to next door's garden and I praised him for this thoughtfulness and the good job be has done. Dd, meanwhile has lounged on the sofa, no praise has been given their yet. Ds dp recently did quite poorly in some school exams, I did not say well done as had not revised .

I do wonder if I am stifling my children's ambition by giving them such a happy home, life is quite easy and nice and therefore I don't think they have the drive to achieve better, as DH and I did. Howeve my children are far more secure than we ever were and I think this may carry them further .

GrimmaTheNome · 14/02/2012 14:16

YANBU. 'Everyone being nice to each other' means give and take, doesn't it - not the child getting its own way all the time.

Perhaps your DB is confused with 'spoiling' children - always pandering to their whims, never allowing any disappointments, that sort of stuff. A happy secure child can deal with the odd thing not going their way without resentment.

Original poster
gwendolinefairfax · 14/02/2012 14:25

Molly that's what I thought. Will they strive to get out and do their thing when we have given them a secure loving home ? It is tough out there and as they have the confidence I never had (the DB mentioned above being an awful bully to me as a child)I'm hoping that they are equipped for what ever life slings at them.

OP posts:
MollyBroom · 14/02/2012 14:30

I think my children will be happier in their success than either DH or I have ever been. We have been successful in our careers but have always felt like we did not deserve to be there, as if we were imposters. My children's confidence will hopefully enable them to feel as if they deserve their success.

IslaValargeone · 14/02/2012 14:33

I had a similar thing said to me a few weeks ago. I was told my dd was a lovely child, but too nice and existed in a world that was too happy, and I wasn't doing her any favours.
She is not spoilt materially by any stretch, but she is brought up in a calm house, where 'niceness' and thoughtfulness are just part of the way we are.
Real life is not like that though, and she has to learn real life apparantly.

SDeuchars · 14/02/2012 14:36

As a home-educating parent, I am accustomed to hearing this argument. Home educators often get told that they are preventing their child becoming tough and independent by ensuring that the child can grow at his or her own pace and be in control of that pace. Our usual argument is that you would not starve someone before sending them into a famine area. If you think life is tough, the DC will be better served by being secure, having self-esteem and knowing what it is to be loved.

Therefore, I agree with sunshineandbooks and say that YADNBU.

Voidka · 14/02/2012 14:37

I suppose how you are making them happy.

If happiness is having lots of materialistic stuff then I think you can do too much. If happiness means love and time then no.

IslaValargeone · 14/02/2012 14:39

SDeuchars, it was this comment that signalled the end of of He for us.

IslaValargeone · 14/02/2012 14:41

Actually I should clarify, it brought it to an end quicker than I had planned.