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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you take great offence at this?

51 replies

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 14/02/2012 00:54

You're out with a friend and your 2 DDs, who are friends. Your DD gets upset that your friend's DD has said something unpleasant to her. You give her a quick cuddle and say to go and play nicely, not wanting to make a huge deal out of it as kids are kids. Your friend then decides that actually, your daughter is lying and starts having a go at your daughter, asking why she's making all this stuff up and calling her a liar. Friend's daughter then confesses she did actually say those things. You tell your friend she has been out of order and you're upset about how she has spoken to your daughter and that she automatically has assumed your daughter is lying. Your daughter has no other previous form for lying or being dishonest. Your friend then says you are being over-sensitive and that kids do lie and that she was in the right to assume her child was innocent as you are meant to "defend your own". She also says you need to take a long, hard look at your daughter as surely she must lie sometimes and can't always tell the truth, because "she's a child".

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 14/02/2012 01:59

I hear you Hmm It's never said with love, a sentance beginning with 'I'll be honest' rarely ever is.

In my experience with my friend it came from an insecurity, I do get that. But I just refuse to put my ds in the boxing ring while she works out her childhood neurosis.

inatrance · 14/02/2012 02:01

Good for you! I'd have dumped someone for that too. Cheeky cow!

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 14/02/2012 02:02

I totally agree, perfumedlife. Plus I'm just not prepared to waste anymore time and energy on her. I think she's a bit of a mess inside really, she has alienated a lot of people in recent years and isn't liked very much. I've always tried to stand by her and overlooked so much bad behaviour. I wish I hadn't now, this has really all come to a head for me.

OP posts:
AndFanjoWasHisNameO · 14/02/2012 02:05

It sounds like this was definitely the icing on a longstanding gobby cake Hex. We've all had a 'Not being funny...(insert offensive comment here)' mate and after a while enough is enough. That would have pissed me right off too

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 14/02/2012 10:01

Yep it was Fanjo, I feel like I've put up with her little ways and nasty comments for so long, I just couldn't stand it any longer. And she spoke to my DD so badly I couldn't bite my tongue.

She is just such a total spoilt brat. Whenever we meet we have to do exactly as she says, she's so bossy. And all her honest little comments are totally unnecessary, when I haven't asked for her opinion. Yesterday at one point she pointed at my 13 year old DD's mouth and asked when I was going to get her teeth sorted. DD has one slightly wonky tooth. And this was right in front of DD. Then it rained when we were walking somewhere and she started saying "GET YOUR UMBRELLA OUT. I haven't got mine with me" and was getting all stroppy about me not getting it out quickly enough.

OP posts:
TheParanoidAndroid · 14/02/2012 10:26

What a good example you both gave to your children. Hmm

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 14/02/2012 10:32

Yes because it would have been a great example and confidence boost for my daughter if I'd have just let my friend call her a liar and speak to her like dirt and hadn't stuck up for her wouldn't it, Android Hmm

OP posts:
TheParanoidAndroid · 14/02/2012 10:35

No, it would be a better example if you didn't hang around with people you clearly dislike, then have slanging matches with tears and "dumping". I hope the actual arguing wasn't right in front of the children?

Its not really fair comparing you to teenagers since I don't know any who act so badly.

mojitomania · 14/02/2012 10:38

This happened to me once Hexagonal. I also became sort of friends with her due to our son's being mates.

They fell out once and she called my son a "liar".

Boy was she dumped!

Good on you I say.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 14/02/2012 10:40

What would you do then in that situation Android? Would you just let someone call your child a liar and give them a telling off when they hadn't done anything wrong?

OP posts:
lorcana · 14/02/2012 10:41

Both parents are way too involved !! Leave the girls to it.

TheParanoidAndroid · 14/02/2012 10:42

I wouldn't be in that situation at all. I don't spend time with people I already dislike and have form for being rude. I don't spend time with people who would act that way, so its not a situation I ever have to think about.
I would imagine thats the norm?

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 14/02/2012 10:43

Mojitomania, it's horrible to see your child being called a liar isn't it? I don't blame you for dumping your friend too.

Thanks everyone for the replies btw. I have slept on it and don't regret telling my friends a few home truths at all. I'm glad I stuck up for DD, I think it would have done her confidence a lot of damage if I hadn't of done. She's a good girl and generally always tells the truth and is reliable. I feel I did the best thing in the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 14/02/2012 10:45

Lorcana, I didn't get involved at all; just gave DD a quick cuddle and told her to go and play nicely, as I said in my OP. I too am generally of the "leave them to it" school of thought. My friend then gave her a telling off. I did get involved after that.

OP posts:
mojitomania · 14/02/2012 10:49

I'm still right there with you Hexagonal. I have never let another person tell my child off in front of me (friends wouldn't dream of it) and vice versa - thats how it should stay in my book.

treadwarily · 14/02/2012 10:50

Hex she is a total bitch and sadly her dd will probably become just like her. Steer clear, and steer your dd towards more friends with nicer parents.
I read on another thread that your mum is a cow to you; sometimes when our parents are bastards, we attract/tolerate friends that are not friends at all. It's the grooming we've received from our meany-poo parents.

Glad you stuck up for your dd, keep at it, and keep clear of your parents too.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 14/02/2012 10:51

Absolutely, Moji. My friend knows that I discipline my DCs and will tell them off if they are badly behaved or in the wrong. I wouldn't have minded as much if DD had actually done something wrong but my friend automatically leapt to her daughter's defence and assumed my DD had lied.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 14/02/2012 10:51

If she believes you should 'defend your own' before finding out the truth of the situation she's raising a child who will come to believe she can do no wrong because her mother will always back her up. This is how you create those children who laugh at school discipline and whose parents will turn up steaming with outrage because their little darling has been punished - however just the punishment. YANBU to be annoyed, and YADNBU to distance yourself.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 14/02/2012 10:53

Treatwarily you are so so right!! I think what it is now I've had counselling is I am not as willing to tolerate things that I once tolerated and I've had many friends that aren't proper friends just because in the past I was grateful to have any friends. Does that make sense? I've really changed within myself (for the better) in the past few months and am tolerating far less crap from people.

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 14/02/2012 10:56

So what would you do about the two 7 year olds being friends, Android? Sounds more like it was a friendship born of necessity rather than choice. It's always easier if you get on with your DC's friends' parents.

You did the right thing OP.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 14/02/2012 10:57

Yes OTheHuge, that is so true. I have come into contact with several of those types of children through my older DD and now they are at secondary school they are really struggling with the discipline and rules there as they've always been backed up by their parents whether they are in the wrong or not.

OP posts:
TheParanoidAndroid · 14/02/2012 11:00

I'd let them be friends at school. Lifes far too short to have "friends" that you actively hate.
Am I in some kind of parallel universe, or is this normal behaviour for adults and I missed a memo somewhere? Confused

KnickerlessCackleby · 14/02/2012 11:01

Well done OP. You have it all sorted and only needed to come on here to debrief. She sounds like she has had it coming. I bet she has fallen out with lots of others and doesn't have many close current friends eh?

SarahStratton · 14/02/2012 11:08

No, not a parallel universe, sadly some people really do behave like that. Always better to remove them from your life PDQ.

OP they probably won't be friends for long, friendships are very fluid at that age, particularly amongst girls.

treadwarily · 14/02/2012 22:43

Treatwarily you are so so right!! I think what it is now I've had counselling is I am not as willing to tolerate things that I once tolerated and I've had many friends that aren't proper friends just because in the past I was grateful to have any friends. Does that make sense? I've really changed within myself (for the better) in the past few months and am tolerating far less crap from people.

Yes that makes perfect sense. The counselling is working! As your self esteem picks up, you will automatically attract kinder people and start to repel bastards. Like this woman. Yah for counselling! Keep it up.