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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that you never get over your first love?

50 replies

somedayma · 13/02/2012 22:52

I'm sad. We broke up almost 2 years ago for no specific reason, remained friends (took a while to get there) but now that he's happy with someone else...my heart is broken

OP posts:

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 13/02/2012 23:59

I was going to say that you do, but now I'm wondering if I can really call my first boyfriend my first love. I think even at the time I knew he was a pointless twat. But he was my first pointless twat, so that made him special for awhile I suppose. I got over him almost before I had left him, so if your saying is true I can definitely rule him out as being my first love.

I think I'm with Wendy Cope on this one, in her poem Two Cures For Love.

Two Cures for Love.

1. Don't see him. Don't phone or write a letter.
2. The easy way: get to know him better.

I think I can honestly say the second way has always worked for me. Getting to know them better has always put a stop to anything that could be called love, until I met DH.

DH is the first person I ever wanted to marry, so perhaps he counts as my first love after all, and we are still together.

mockingjay · 14/02/2012 03:02

I still think fondly of my first love. Not the guy he is now, because he is frankly a bit of a knob these days, but as he was then. Or perhaps how I perceived him to be then?

BrandyAlexander · 14/02/2012 04:44

I thought the same about my first love as we were sort of distant friends for the next 10 years which inteferred with my relationships. We got back together again after 10 years. It unravelled v quickly and I realised what an utter shit he was to me both at age 18 and at age 28. I think I can firmly say I am over him.

WMDinthekitchen · 14/02/2012 06:30

Don't think I ever really loved any of the men that have been in my life - when young I mistook dependence for love and felt pressured to have a man around, when older either lust or the desire to have a family. Still waiting...

sunnydelight · 14/02/2012 06:44

Oh yes you do! i was with my "first love" from the age of 16-26 - what a waste of my youth (though obviously I didn't think that at the time).

EdithWeston · 14/02/2012 06:52

I think it's an over-sentimental myth.

You can choose to spend your life bleating about the past.

Or you can choose to Look at life as a whole series of adventures going forwards.

Bucharest · 14/02/2012 06:53

First boyfriend - I could see in the street (now that thanks toFB he is no longer a rock godbut looks like a cross between John Major and Ben Elton and wears a shiny nylon shirt), walk up to, say hello how goes? And be nice....and acknowledge that we were together for 2 years...and....

First love. Nope. Still not over him. Never will be.

Threeprinces · 14/02/2012 08:31

I still have a soft spot for my first love and we split over 20 years ago. Not a soft spot that means anything other than I care about what happens to him or that he is happy.

I have been with DH for 18 years now and he with his wife for a couple of years less, we are both very happy but have a platonic affection for each other still. We even attended each other's weddings.

Now we email about one a year and see each other every couple of years, have a great time but it is purely platonic and I wouldn't want it to be otherwise.

Adversecamber · 14/02/2012 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jasminerice · 14/02/2012 09:16

Adverse, yes, that makes sense. I still have a soft spot for my first love. We went travelling together which made it really special. He was a sweetheart and totally gorgeous. We just got back in touch after 20 years and he looks just the same, with a few more wrinkles. We're both happily married with kids now, but he'll always have a little place in my heart reserved for him.

elinorbellowed · 14/02/2012 09:34

I still love my first love in a way. But he never really loved me back. He's still my best friend. DP is my second and true love. I remember very little about the ones inbetween.
You know what I really miss though? That feeling you get in the early stages when the relationship is starting and you can't stop thinking about them and the sex is all new. Sort of sad that will never happen again.

GooseyLoosey · 14/02/2012 09:46

You do get over them, but it takes more time some times.

I have been married many years now and a few years ago completely by chance I met my first love at a motorway service station. My overwhelming thought? What a lucky escape I had.

Don't dwell on the relationship you had - it was not all you remember it being. Would also say you should give up being friends - not sure you can move on properly whilst you are.

Original poster

somedayma · 14/02/2012 09:47

elinor I know exactly what you mean, that's such a lovely exciting time. Which is possibly why I'm so miserable at the moment because I know he's in that brilliant nothing can go wrong this person is amazing stage with his new gf

OP posts:

Original poster

somedayma · 14/02/2012 09:50

goosey the whole friends thing was going well because I moved to a different city and we didn't speak much and I intentionally distanced myself from him and therefore (thought) I'd 'got over him'. I saw him at Christmas and realised 'I'm not in love with him anymore' and was so relieved and glad! But if I'm actually over him, why am I so devastated that he's with someone else?

OP posts:

cerys74 · 14/02/2012 09:53

I spent ages pining over mine and still care what happens to him, but I'm increasingly grateful that we broke up as we've become very different people and life together would have been hell!

I think the best you can do is learn from the experience and try to move forwards (e.g. I learned I did NOT want to date a mummy's boy) :)

xkittyx · 14/02/2012 10:00

Utterly and completely over mine and just grateful I only got married in my thirties when I had lost my taste for arses!

charitygirl · 14/02/2012 10:04

Sounds like you need to stop being friends with him, if you want to get over him, I'm afraid.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 14/02/2012 11:11

I think you can look back fondly on your first love but you definitely get over them. In fact, don't think I would even call my first love my 'first love' anymore as the love I have for DH is much deeper than I ever felt with 'first love'.

TheOneWithTheHair · 14/02/2012 11:23

Divorce helps you get over them pretty fast.

Best thing he did was help make ds1.

eurochick · 14/02/2012 11:27

I didn't get over mine at all easily. I would say I thought about him daily for almost 15 years after we broke up. I have managed to move on now though.

jandymaccomesback · 14/02/2012 13:30

I still remember my first love. He had fantastic brown eyes and dark hair, and I can still remember the numberplate of his motorbike! He smelt lovely too.
It took me two years to get over him. I've been happily married to someone else for 38 years now, and know it would never have worked, but I still have a soft spot for him (haven't seen him for over 40 years though!).

rogersmellyonthetelly · 14/02/2012 14:14

I'll never forget my first love, but I did get over him about 10 years after splitting up when I spotted him out with his mates, pissed, beer belly, reeking of fags and with a slight bald patch. Worked wonders for my misty eyed reminiscences, and also gave me a huge ego boost as I was in a slinky size 10, looking fab, sleek, toned etc, and he was the one who dumped me as I was "overweight" it was a sweet moment.

somewherewest · 14/02/2012 16:28

I didn't completely get over my first love until I fell in love with someone else a couple of years later, but once I did fall in love again any feelings for my first love disappeared pretty much instantly. We stayed in touch though and are now very good friends (we confide in each other quite a bit), but that has only worked out because we've both moved on and are happy with other people.

Original poster

somedayma · 14/02/2012 17:05

So the key is to find my next love. Which I can't imagine ever being ready for! But I guess he's managed it sO I will too sometime

OP posts:

EquestrianStatue · 14/02/2012 17:07

Mine makes me feel a bit sick in retrospect

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