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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask you how to cope with this situation?

9 replies

BornToShopForcedToWork · 13/02/2012 21:20

Three months ago my aunt and my uncle separated and my aunt moved out the same weekend. I don't have the best relationship to my parents and over the last 12 years my aunt and uncle have been married, they were like my parents to me. Both of them have moved on and have new partners and they def won't get back together. I am in a very tricky situation now, I blame my aunt for it and I am afraid of losing my uncle (My aunt is my mums sister). My aunt would rather not have me staying in touch with him and he also said that although he wants to stay in touch it will be very difficult and he thinks we won't stay in touch as we used to. I am meeting my aunts new partner soon and although he seems to be a nice guy I just don't know how to react. I am angry and sad at the same time, it's like my parents would get divorced and it hurts a lot. Sorry if I posted this in the wrong board but I hope some of you have some advice. Thanks already.

OP posts:

GerardWay · 13/02/2012 21:22

That's awful! How old are you, I only ask as that might help posters with advice for you.

Original poster

BornToShopForcedToWork · 13/02/2012 21:24

Hi,

I am 21. Maybe I should have mention that before, so it's easier to understand why they become like parents to me. They supported me when I moved out with 16 at home, when I moved to England when I was 17 etc...

OP posts:

JustHecate · 13/02/2012 21:24

If they've both moved on and both have new partners and are both happy - can't you put it in the past and not 'blame' anyone?

I know, I know, that's easy to say and hard to do. It's hurt you - but why risk souring your relationship with your aunt, who you say is like a mother to you?

Their relationship failed. That's between them. That's not part of your relationship with them, iyswim.

All you can do is plaster on a smile and be happy for them and remember that who they are hasn't changed. How much they love you hasn't changed. Everything they have done for you, everything they have been to you - hasn't changed.

They just aren't a couple any more.

squeakytoy · 13/02/2012 21:25

It would be unfair for your aunt to demand that you not stay in touch with her ex. Although he may not be a blood relative, he is still your uncle.

Did they have any children of their own, ie your cousins?

troisgarcons · 13/02/2012 21:28

You are 21. It is no ones business who you choose to remain adult friends with.

YABU to "blame" your aunt though - only two people know what goes on in a marriage. Not your place to judge at all.

Original poster

BornToShopForcedToWork · 13/02/2012 21:28

No, my aunt was diagnosed with MS many years ago and was too afraid to get her own children.

I know I should be happy, but I know it won't be the same anymore. I used to spend Christmas with them instead of my parents etc. for the last six years etc. They called me first on my birthdays etc. Whenever I was in "trouble" (nasty employers etc.) they helped me. So knowing it all won't be the same anymore hurts me a lot.

OP posts:

JustHecate · 13/02/2012 21:30

sorry. I missed the bit where your aunt doesn't want you to stay in touch with your uncle

In that case, I'd be telling her pretty much what I said above. Their relationship has failed, that's between them and you're not choosing sides. You want to be in touch with them both.

JustHecate · 13/02/2012 21:33

Of course it does. It's always hard when something like this happens. But it is what it is and you'll adapt, you'll get through this. It won't be the same, no, but these are still the people you love and who love you and that won't change, honestly. I know it's painful, and I'm sorry.

GrahamTribe · 13/02/2012 21:42

All you can do is tell them both that you love them dearly and equally and that you don't want to be caught in the middle. I've been in this position with close friends, not the same I know, but I had three separate relationships with them, I was friends with them as a couple but also valued the friendship of both him and her seperately if you see what I mean - it wasn't just a case of she is my friend and he is my friend's husband.

I made it clear that I didn't want to lose either of them but respected the fact that the split was quite acrimonious and ensured that I didn't take sides or talk about one party to the other behind their backs. In my case it was more complicated as the wife set up home very shortly after the split with the ex husband of someone who was a friend of all three of us. I'd known this couple for 18 years, seen their children born and love the kids to bits, the (ex) couple are like brother and sister to me. It hurt. But, it was not my business to take sides and as another poster says, I didn't know what had gone on in the marriage, only what I was told. My stance of saying that I loved both and keeping in touch with both without telling her what he had said and done and vice-versa worked for me, well, for all of us, and I'm close to both parties still, 8 years on.

The other thing to bear in mind is that my friends are now nowhere near as angry with each other as they first were and it's now possible to talk about when he meets up with the DC with her or about her holiday with her new DP to him. You may well find that your aunt and uncle "calm down" in the same way in time. It might be worth a shot to keep in touch with both and state your impartiality as I did.

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