How d’you stop yourself being used – your best killer lines, please

[corygal]

So, for the first time in ages, my parents ask me to supper. A cooked meal! I am being spoilt ? a rarity. What time, I say to Mum ? 75, in rude health ? and she says come at 6, so you can get everything ready . My soul sinks - yup, I?m being asked as the help. Again. The other two adults in the house ? Dad & younger cousin ? will sit and drink as I finish a 10-hour working day with 2 hrs light waitressing and cleaning. Guests arrive at 8.

It?s not a one-off. How do I stop being guilted? Practical phrases that are polite but firm, pls ladies.

Sorry but I am working a ten hour shift that day, so won't be able to help.

I think you'd be far better off sitting your Mum down and explaining that after a 10hr working day, you'll be too tired to help out.

Perhaps see if she can re-arrange it for a time where you're not working and can help her?

I really wouldn't pee about with 'practical phrases' or anything like that.

I'm a fan of plain speaking every time.

"Thanks that'll be lovely. I won't be there till 8, is there anything you'd like me to bring?"

No.

Just one word. No. Say it out loud in your bathroom a dozen times before you ring her and tell her that NO, you cannot come and do hotessing services for her because it's not fair on you after a full time working day. Repeat that sentence ad nauseum and do not be afraid to put the phone down. Good luck.

What FedUpOfTheBunfights said. You don't need a 'killer line', just be straightforward and say what you mean.

Tell them you won't be there til 8, along with the other guests. Blithe deliberate misunderstanding is the way to go!

Agree with BoH

Am working that day mum so won't be able to get there for 6, it will be more like 7.30-8pm. Am really looking forward to seeing you. blah blah.

Or, what BagOfHolly said

After listening to me explain that I was in last minute stretch of revision for important (for me) exams and urgently busy trying to find work before I was completely broke, a friend asked if I could spend the weekend helping her pack up and move house - the day before she wanted the help. I have to admit I just laughed and said No, no way at all that is going to be possible. She was a bit put out but we are still friends.

"No, I'm not willing to cook and clean for someone else after already working for 10 hours. I'll be there just before 8pm."

If she shows dismay or 'hurt' that you're not coming to do the prep work, just repeat "No, I'm not willing to cook and clean and add another two hours to my working day. I'll be there just before 8pm."

If this continues then repeat that you'd rather not add another two hours to your working day, so thanks for the invitation but you'll be staying at home and will be treating yourself to a takeaway and glass of wine, however you hope they all have a lovely dinner and you'll see them another time.

Also, next time instead of asking what time she wants you there, ask what time you're eating and tell her you'll be there just before that time.

I think they are very rude BTW. If me and DS go to my parents to eat we aren't expected to lift a finger and same for them if they come to us.

They will continue to use you as long as you let them. Like another mumsnetter suggested, just say you can't/won't be there until 8, so they will all have to muck in. If there is any huffing & puffing, just ask - in a pleasant tone - why is this a problem? I don't know if you have a problem with confrontation - I always have, even with my family, but over the past year I have made a concerted effort to stand up for myself and not be taken advantage of. And you know what? It works! And the 'fallout' is not what I had feared. My parents, sister, MIL & FIL have steamrollered over me in the past, but as soon as I stand up for myself now, they tend to either shut up or back down. And don't make excuses, as that leaves the door open for them to make a counter suggestion. Just say no. Do it, it'll change your life!! Good luck x

I thought I was a guest not a host?

Really do practice a firm no. A good firm stock phrase is 'That just won't be possible.' Practice it!

My DH and my sister often ask me for advice on saying no! I don't know how I became good at it.

Traps to avoid:

1. 'I can't really do that. But if you get really stuck let me know and I'll see what I can do.' That is just another way of saying yes. Avoid!
2. 'I don't want to do that.' Replace this with 'I can't do that' or 'That won't be possible.' Remove any suggestion of preference or choice from your language. Make it very black and white. It's either possible, or it's not. They have to understand it is not.

'That won't be possible' is the best phrase imo, as it is firm and it's not personal in any way, avoiding 'I' language. This makes it about the task, not about you.

Good luck!

"Thanks, I'd love to come. It will be nice to relax after my ten hour shift. I won't be able to make it before 8 but I'm guessing that's the time you've said to everyone. Shall I bring red or white wine?". Next time please don't let yourself get conned.

Let us know what you said in the end how it went.

"You know what mother, it's rather uncouth to invite someone for dinner under false pretenses when you actually just need them to help. With that in mind, I'm going to decline."

Say it in haughty Countess Violet voice from Downton Abbey.

Or: if I wanted to slave off in the kitchen I'd host my own dinner party.

Or: it's the first time I have been invited for dinner and to cook it as well.

Or: sure, I am going to invite so and so to come to the dinner too.

Or: I can't do it. Can you find some easier to cook recipes?

Or: I won't be able to make it that early. I'm sure you'll be fine with dad's help.

Or: Sure, that's fine. By the way, will you please come and clean my house today?

Hold on, will she feed you, or are you being invited solely to help?

Are you a guest?

No.

Laugh at her hysterically, thank her for cheering up your day with a joke and say you'll be there at 8. Ad please let us know how this ends.

The thing is, I assume you've created a precedent by doing it on other occasions. You should have a word (after you've said no this time). Is she an old fashioned housewife type?