to discuss 'family secrets' with a friend?

[Cadmum]

When I was a child, my father had an affair. This, in conjunction with the ensuing repercussions, has had a significant impact on my life and I believe that it is acceptable for me to talk about it with anyone I choose.

My mother on the other hand, is 'mortified that I would discuss personal matters with people"...

At the time of the affair, it was more of a public matter. My father lived with the woman for a spell and everyone in our lives at the time knew that my parents were legally separated. They reconciled their differences and are still married now.

My mother discovered my 'indiscretion' by reading a private chat I had inadvertently left open on her iPad. (I take full responsibility for having left it open and believe that was not snooping when she read it.)

I should add: The friend with whom I chose to discuss the affair does not know my parents; does not even live on the same continent as my parents; and has recently moved far from where I live (and met his family) as well. It is highly unlikely that my parents will ever meet the person in question.

I chose to discuss it with this family friend because he was contemplating/on the verge of having an affair and was shocked by his teenagers' reactions.

Some part of me must agree that it was not my place to discuss the affair or I would not have posted on MN seeking 'expert' advice.

Thanks in advance!

Your friend sounds unreasonable for seeking his children's opinions about starting an affair!

It sounds as though your mother couldn't possibly know that this is the only person with whom you've discussed your father's affair.

So... yanbu to discuss it but yabu to question your mother's reaction given that she probably thinks you've tolde everyone you know.

Your mum is BU.

Your parents separating understandably has had an impact upon you. You should be free to discuss it with whoever you want, rather than playing pretend happy families.

If you continually raised it with your mum or taunted your father about it, then it might be unreasonable, but it doesn't sound like you are.

Sorry... That was a convoluted and quick post.

Fortyplus: The man contemplating having the affair got caught texting his potential girlfriend. His wife (also my friend) told their teenage children.

I did explain to my mother that this is not something I talk about openly; she would also know that I am a private person who feels very ashamed of our 'family secrets'. I also clearly stated in the message to my friend that I have only shared this information with a limited number of people and more importantly that my children know nothing about this and that I would prefer to keep it that way.

(I describe this family as friends of ours because our children are friends and we lived in the same ex-pat community together.)

Well yanbu though I can understand your mother's discomfiture.

Your friend's wife ibvvu to discuss the texts with her children - that's appalling.

If you're going to have an affair, getting your children and wife on side beforehand seems like a sensible thing to do - so I'm not sure why he WBU in that, but that's not what you asked.

No, YANBU for talking about it with your friend, you were insensitive to let you mum know you were doing it, but it was an accident nothing else, so she cannot really complain.

I agree, your friend's wife behaved appallingly.

Your mum is BU.

But why should you be ashamed? Your father had an affair, you knew about it at the time, he and your mother chose to reconcile. No, you wouldn't broadcast it to everyone you met on the street but it happened to you and your feelings and thoughts on it are yours to share as you choose.

And in this case it was highly relevant to discuss your feelings as a child of a cheating parent, even if I am also that your friends wife would tell their children about his texts.

Don't feel ashamed. These are your life experiences.

I completely understand why your mum is upset, surely you can see that this would bring back a horrible time in her life tgat I'm sure she has tried to forget so she is nbu.

That said yanbu either . Using your own experience to help your friend to see tge consquences of his actions is the right thing to do.

YANBU to discuss your life experience with a friend. Your mother INBU to feel discomforted by it, but she really doesn't have the authority to tell you you can't talk about it. If you were discussing your parents marriage from their perspective rather than yours then I think she has more right to ask you to keep it to yourself.

The wife IBU pulling her children into it in many ways, though if it makes the husband reconsider the impact of his actions and keeps the family together it may be worth it - very risky IMO. The husband IBVVVU starting an affair - hope he's come to his senses.

How long ago did your father have the affair?

I don't think you should be discussing your mother's personal business with other people. You, the man thinking of having the affair and his wife, haven't been discreet. So far, you've been caught messaging, he's been caught texting and she's blabbed to the children.

I can understand your mum not being happy about this.

So far, you've been caught messaging, he's been caught texting and she's blabbed to the children.

What I mean by this is. They've been indiscreet with their own personal business, so how can you trust they'll keep anything you say to themselves.

You were discussing your mother's private life with someone she doesnt know and she read it. It is understandable that she might be a bit upset about that.

She was also discussing the impact of a parent having an affair on his/her children, though. To that extent it wasn't her mother's private life but her own. And her father lived openly with the other woman, it's not actually even a secret.

It was also her private life. Given that it was her dad who did it. She was as much of a 'victim' (for want of a better word) of her dad's behaviour as her mum was.

Thanks for your replies.

I acknowledge that it was not very clever of me to remain signed in on my mother's iPad. I also know that I have caused her unnecessary pain. What I cannot agree with is her perspective that it was her 'personal matters' that I was discussing.

The perspective I was offering was my own. I agree that the situation with my friends' marriage is unconventional. I am trying not to be judgmental. I am intentionally leaving out details lest I discover that this family are also MN users and find my post. These things are rarely black and white or one-dimensional.

It is not rational that I ordinarily feel protective of this (and other family secrets) but I do. I have never before brought it up in conversation without context nor with anyone who might meet my parents.

(I have lived overseas for 12 1/2 years so we have few friends in common and most would already know about the affair from my mother's perspective.)

It has been 6 months since my last MN post but I was really losing sleep and questioning my feelings about this. I knew that AIBU would offer a variety of perspectives. I didn't post on here hoping to find 100% confirmation that my behaviour was beyond reproach. I genuinely wanted to know if it is unreasonable for me to talk about this significant event from my childhood to someone who is having trouble understanding the impact that something similar might have on his own children.

Fwiw, I actually think your mother was snooping by reading your conversation whether it was on her iPad or not. I've gone online and my husbands has still been logged in. I don't take that opportunity to read his open chat windows, but immediately log off as soon as I realize it's his I'm in. So if you look at it from that pov, she only has herself to blame that she found out about your convo. And no, YANBU to discuss your personal experience in relation to what your friend was considering doing. And what his wife did is none of anyone here's business, you didn't ask for an opinion on that.

I am trying to be optimistic and forgiving. My mum is in her 60s and is new to both the iPad and the idea of online chats.

In my heart, I know that she could have stopped reading earlier but I also know that should have logged out (or not used her iPad at all!)...

I am genuinely conflicted by this notion that maybe the story is not mine to tell. There must be some doubt for me or I wouldn't have sought opinions here.

For now, I wish I could use this incident as a way to have more open discussions with her but I will have to contain my expectations. Based on our latest conversation, that would only happen in a fantasy or with someone else's mum...

The "personal issues" involved you as well as her. You are free to discuss your life with anyone you choose, she is free not to discuss it but shouldn't be telling you how to live your life, although I can understand her upset on seeing it on the internet. Not closing down your stuff was the mistake, none of it is worth losing sleep over. If your parents were legally separated I don't understand your mum's view that this was a great "secret". She may prefer to pretend it didn't happen, but it did happen and it happened to you as well as her.
Mark it down as an over-reaction on her part and move on.

It sounds as if your family is generally quite secretive, Cadmum. You mention in your earlier post that normally you are protective (and ashamed?) about this and other family secrets. I wonder if there is a pattern of your parents wanting to suppress certain things, which is why you feel so uneasy about having shared - and then got caught by your mum?

For now, I wish I could use this incident as a way to have more open discussions with her but I will have to contain my expectations.

Or in other words, keep the secrets, even among yourselves. It's your choice of course (although it does feel again dictated by your mother's wishes) but it sounds unfair that you're not allowed to speak, to her, about an experience that involved you both. It happened, it didn't go away.

OP it is part of your 'lifestory' as well as your mum's.

You can talk about it to anyone you like!

My father was a serial philanderer. I see no reason to keep this secret. He's on his 4th wife, we progeny have nicknamed him Henry and wonder when he's going to behead one.

I think the big difference is that your mother stayed with him - so she is saving face I suppose. She must have to pretend to herself that it never happened.

I don't think YABU, not at all, but for her own reasons, nor is she.