To say, screw it... My dh can deal with all issues with my pil from now on

[Ohthegrandolddukeofyorkjellies]

Hi,

Long time lurker and first time poster as I feel so narked off that I've lost all objectivity and there is the possibility that iabu.

Have been with dh for 10 years during which time I have made a really good effort to get on with pil, keep extended family relationships going, initiate, prepare and host visits etc. For the first half of our relationship dh was away a lot and now he has a job where he does a lot of shift work and travel, especially around holidays (without giving too much away) so through no one's fault I'm the one who has to do it all.

Thing is, my fil really is pretty rotten to me. He always has been on a fairly low-level but since I've had ds it's been far worse - hyper-critical, comments about my appearance, family, job. He's very subtle and it tends to be when people are just out of earshot. On the few times I've (gently) tried to assert myself there has been catastrophic fall-out and he has ignored me for a few months. Likewise immediately after ds was born when he was particularly nasty and my dh and mil both had words. On every occasion I've felt like the bad guy for creating a rift and I've had mil and sil in tears because they just want everything to be nice.

Anyway - Christmas was a bit of a clincher for me, working full-time during the run-up, toddler, dh away til late Christmas Eve. Pil came down and fil, again, was just so negative towards me. I closed the door after them on NYE and told dh, Your parents, you maintain the relationship from now on, and he agreed. I haven't spoken to them since, although dh has and I feel pretty good. Problem is, dh will be away and unable to organise visits etc. Ds adores his gp and they worship him. They live all the way down south and we live all the way up north so short visits aren't an option. Aibu to refuse to be what I view as a martyr?

Sorry - way longer than I planned!

I think the solution for now could be that your Pil visit, they stay in a B&B, and your MiL comes to pick up your DC for a half-day or a day out.

Longer trem, your DH needs to have words about Fil's attitude.

I think it's great that you are thinking about your Dc's relationship with his GPs. Your FiL sounds like a bit of a prick tbh not to realise this.

You seem to have put in a great deal of effort but your DH and in-laws have allowed your FIL to get away with behaving extremely poorly. On that basis (and because it should be his responsibility) I think you are right to say your DH needs to run the relationship with his family.

However. That has consequences, both good and bad. Did you make the agreement with DH on the spur of the moment or after you had had a chance to think it through?

For myself I think I would say your DH needs to organise visits for when he's back - he can use the phone, internet etc to arrange this whilst away but the likely consequence for you is that you will lose some of his home time with him because he'll be away with ds visiting his parents.

It seems very, very unlikely your FIL will change his behaviour. I'm sure he thinks he has done nothing wrong (and criticises his wife in a similar way?). Your DH needs to work with you on finding the best compromise.

I think you have to try and see where you think this is going to end. Never speaking to them again? Never seeing them? the negativity rubbing off on your children. Families can be absolutely vile to each other in a way that no other relationships can be (they can also of course be the most fantastic thing) Why does your FIL do this? does he feel a bit threatened by you in some way? You have every right as an adult not to put up with verbal abuse from anyone. however, before you sever all ties then i think you need to think really carefully about this and how something like this in a family can just eat away at everyone. i am not suggesting for one minute you bow down before this vile old man but try and see what the solutions are. i personally would have them both round when DH is there and sit around a table and have it out with him. tell him and mil what the consequences will be if this carries on and perhaps he will see sense. don't discount the fact that he might have a health problem like early stage dementia or altzheimers. It can make seemingly nice people say some really horrible things. good luck.

Thanks so much for the replies and advice. Definitely some fresh perspectives for me.

Mummymeister - you are absolutely right and I would never allow the ill-feeling to have consequences for my son. My comment to dh was made in the heat of the moment but had been a long time coming. The way I see it is my hurt comes from the fact that I have to do everything - every birthday and Christmas gift, catering, sending letters, photos etc from ds and yet I'm the one he gets at. I figured that if I kept on being breezy breezy but stopped doing all that stuff then my resentment would dissipate. That's probably over simplifying it!

Will sleep on it all. Thanks again!

take it from someone in the know, i think you have hit on the right solution.

dont let inlaws take the piss. Seriously, if he gave a shit about his grandkids - he would keep his fucking mouth shut.

so this is NOT YOUR PROBLEM it is his.

your dh...birthday cards can be pre-written, addressed and stamp licked - all you would have to do is post it. He can pre order on funky pigeon or something similar. he can buy their presents in advance or use the technology of the 21st century to send them something - this does not have to fall to you.

MIL was v, upset last year when her card was late - i dont send it anymore - so it was dh she was crying to.

22 years later - i have the knowledge.

if they want grandchild access - they need to be nice to the DIL imo.

it makes sense to me. quite frankly i would lose no sleep over them not having access if they are the type of people who act like this.

I wouldn't allow unsupervised access to anyone who spoke to me like that. He clearly is a bully and shouldn't be allowed around your children with out total supervised visits.

Agree with previous posters. You have to think of a time when your dc are able to understand the negative comments he is making about/to you.
Let your dh liase with them regarding contact, he should also be addressing the issue with your fil not as simple as all that I know who knows it may make them stop and think. Good luck.

I agree with people who are saying he is a classic bully and you should not have to put up with that sort of behaviour at all. I also think your dh has sort of 'enabled' it by not tackling your PIL head on.

I myself would have told PIL exactly how I felt about him but I know not everyone can do that sort of thing. You should take a step back and make it clear to them that they can come and collect dc etc but they won't have the pleasure of your company.

Sometimes the road to hell is paved with good intentions. No doubt when you started all this facilitating relations between your dh and his family you thought you were doing the right thing. I don't claim to be an expert and I've done things wrong when it comes to in-laws, but one thing I have never ever done is act as arranger of meetings between my dh and his family. Or poster of cards or any of that shit.

Whenever his mother calls, it is always: 'I shall tell him you called' or 'We shall have to think about that' (whenever she gives dates where she can come down).

Don't be a martyr any more. Let your dh deal with them.
I must say you are really unlucky to have such a freak for a fil-most men have a soft spot for their dils. Even if sometimes they dislike their own sons. Although, chances are that mils are more of the nightmare. Mine is!

You are going to have to brazen things out a bit, though, my mil dislikes me because I don't do the fawning dil thing, however, that is the way it is.

If, however, I had played the fawning dil and suddenly stopped she would dislike me even more.

It's like when a person who refuses to lend you a desperately needed £5 tells you no straight away, you accept it. But when a person who continuously lends you out stops doing it suddenly, you -weirdly- dislike them even more!

Human beings will dislike the person who helped them out for a period even more than the person who never helped them out! Human nature.

OP I totally agree with Custardo, this really is his problem.

My FIL is also a huge bully and I had the good fortune to tell him this to his face in a low voice when he unleashed a ton of venom on me last year. He wasn't expecting it and I didn't see him for months afterwards (he was not allowed in our house). Now he is on his best behaviour so that he can spend time with grandchildren but I keep him at arm's length. My MIL has also been in tears but I refuse to feel guilty as he created this problem not me.

Stand your ground. Don't do the presents, cards, photos etc and let him see what it's like when you're not playing sweet DIL. He doesn't deserve you, you are definitely a better woman than me!

Have to agree, dont do all the nice things you do for them, maybe write a letter to him (allow dh to read it and check he feels its fair) about the way he behaves/speaks to you, and how undermining it is to you, and is effecting the children (they will start to lose respect for you if he continues as they get older). Clearly state that if the behaviour persists, HE (dont stop grandma if she is nice) will only be able to see the children when DH is available to be present. He then has a choice. You can explain to the children, nanny and grandad cant come today because mummy isnt able to prepare everything without daddys help, and daddy has to work or we wont have anywhere to live or any food?

Just an idea, please no one hang me for it.

I have done this with PIL after 16 years of trying and them causing an utterly shit Christmas for us I have told DH that he and the children can work out a relationship with the IL's but for my mental health I am walking away. I won't badmouth them to my DC's but am happy to explain to my children that not all relationships work well or are healthy and for me this is one such relationship.

Busy day and only just got in but thank you everyone for your replies. Great advice and plenty for me to consider.

I agree that to an extent I've made a rod for my own back. I think fil has a thing about me (although extended family, mil etc all claim that he's really proud of dh's little family) because we share very different world views and I think he thinks I'm a bit woolly - a view that probably comes with the territory of my job. He, therefore, likes to challenge me with really extreme statements and I have to be honest I don't think I've reacted once - I spend enough of the day battling with agencies and don't feel like carrying on the debate when I'm carving the Christmas turkey, partly because I like to pick my battles in a stressful world and in part because he's entitled to think whatever he likes, in my opinion. He still likes to push that I think I'm too clever by half etc.

I did things in behalf of dh because he wasn't there to do it and I kinda thought that's what you did.

Well we'll see now. By now I usually would've initiated a meet-up.

Wish me luck.

I think that if he cannot be civil to you, then he has no automatic entitlement to a relationship with your dc. I would not allow him unsupervised access. I know someone whose grandparents were very involved in his upbringing and also openly critical of his mother, in his presence. It has caused all sorts of confused feelings, because obviously, he loved them all - it is very damaging. I don't think you can trust your fil not to do this.

I think you are right to back out of the arrangements. I would go further and tell dh that he needs to consult you, so that visits are convenient for you too, rather than just the ILs. You can't make someone like you, so it is of no benefit to you to keep trying. What you can insist on is civility and if fil cannot manage that, then I would refuse to have him anywhere near me or my dc. If he cares for his dgc so much, he will learn to develop manners.

It sounds like your mil recognises the problem, so that is a positive. I would be very open with everyone and tell them exactly why you don't wish to see fil without dh being present and if he doesn't improve he won't be welcome at all, but I would take care to treat mil as a separate person, and make her feel welcome.

I would not allow her or dh to take ds to visit fil without me - he shouldn't be rewarded for this kind of behaviour.