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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to my dsis hen night?

21 replies

suzycakes · 12/02/2012 15:40

We live in Newcastle & my dsis has announced that she wants to go to Cardiff for her hen night (18 months time) & stay over for 1 or 2 nights. I do not drink a lot, am skint (can't afford days out etc for me & my dd) and have never been away from dd for any length of time. i dont really want to go BUT my dsis would do it for me without question and is VERY forceful in her opinions. I feel like i should go and if i dont i think she will be really hurt and there will be a major falling out. im torn between just saying no outright and feeling really guilty and saying yes. what do you think?

OP posts:

DaPrincessBride · 12/02/2012 15:45

It's in 18 months, plenty of time to save up and for DD to have a night away from you.

However Cardiff is very full on for hen nights and it might be quite heavy going for a minimal drinker! Is it worth speaking to her and explaining how you feel, she might decide to go for another option if you raise your concerns now.

If not, I say go for it, just do 1 night, grit your teeth and have fun

thebabywife · 12/02/2012 15:47

I think 18 months is long enough to save. And if she decides on two nights, I'm sure she will understand if you only stay for one x

Kayano · 12/02/2012 15:48

It's 18 months. I would go...

Although don't lots of people go to Newcastle? Lol ask if he would consider York? That's where I had mine and I'm a Geordie and it cut down on travel time/ cost.

troisgarcons · 12/02/2012 15:48

I think you should tell her you can't afford it. And that if you did have money the you would prefer to spend it on you daughter.

And, don't be suckered into the 'you can save £10 a week from now for the next 18 months to afford it" atguements that may be put up.

I just don't get these ridiculous weekend piss ups miles away from home. Is it some form of soririty where they can all shag about knowing that it's never going to get back to their partners?

Original poster

suzycakes · 12/02/2012 15:53

Thanks for the replies, I sometimes feel like a stick in the mud - but would love to go to york (its not my night though) the thought of 5 hours on the train both ways and a mad full on piss up fills me with dread!

I'm going to suggest York and point out the benefits - less travelling time, cheaper to get there etc but still a good day!!!!

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 12/02/2012 15:55

I would go. Make it clear to your sister that you might want to go back to the hotel early, then she can't argue if you do. If it's important to her that you're there, I'd make an effort to do it.

Kennyp · 12/02/2012 16:01

You could plan to go, say youre going and then nearer the time get an ear infection and have to take antibiotics which means you cant drink so therefore what is the point in going but you dknt mind on losing your £50 deposit etc. These things could happen.

Then you could get legless at the actual nuptials and make up for missing the cardiff jolly.

Original poster

suzycakes · 12/02/2012 16:05

lol like the ear infection idea!

Think I'm going to make the effort though and go, thanks guys

OP posts:

EauDeLaPoisson · 12/02/2012 16:06

Trois it's her sister fgs and a hen do, not an acquaintance expecting her to shell out a fortune for a pointless night out.
And it's not like a hen do is a regular occurrence. YABU

EirikurNoromaour · 12/02/2012 16:41

?I get it, but I think you should persuade her to do it more local and then you won't have to spend days travelling. I can't understand why you would go so far for a hen weekend? A cultural break, sure, but you can get pissed and visit a spa in any city surely?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/02/2012 16:53

How old will your dd be?
I think you should go tbh. It'll be fun.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/02/2012 16:56

She might have changed her mind by then

hermioneweasley · 12/02/2012 16:57

I have sympathy with the people where the bride had an overseas hen do costing a fortune, but to decide 18 months in advance that you won't have the money and don't want to be apart from yourDD for your sister's hen do in the UK is a poor show.

troisgarcons · 12/02/2012 16:59

I dont see the difference to goin on theslash for a long w/end at the other end of the country to those who want to jet off 5,000 to get married.

thair choice. Don't expect/demand everyone else shares the same enthusiasm/wished to go/wants waste shell out a sizable chunk of money.

I think the OP is perfectly reasonable. It's a piss up she doesnt wish to go to. End of. Except. Her sister is domineering a forceful personality. Therein layeth the problem.

Just tell her NO!

Mia4 · 12/02/2012 18:05

I think in some eyes you will BU and in others not, most important is how you feel and how your sister does/will.

Be realistic with the money thing, can you save it, do you want to spend this night with your sister? Your DD, is she too young to leave with perhaps your parents or are you clinging tight, could you enjoy a night to (kinda) yourself?

It's very hard and only you can decide these things. Personally i went to close family members hen's and a very close friend but opted to avoid those no so close and those who were going on long holidays. Just be realistic for yourself and regardless of how many people say you are being unreasonable and how many say you are not, you ultimately have to decide regarding you're only family. We don't know them, can't help you swing the boat either side, can only say what we'd do. But everyone's made good points so take a look and think them over, the only thing i will say is if she was there for yours you really should try to be there for her if you can. And as a good friend of mine found out when she didn't attend other friends hen do's (her's was because she was so settled she stopped making time for friends so bit different but...) there wasn't anyone but me and another less close friend at hers and her friends stopped making the time for her.

KRITIQ · 12/02/2012 19:38

Sorry, I don't "get" hen and stag dos. It seems in recent years, everyone is busting a gut to out do everyone else in how extravagant, expensive and lengthy they can be. I refused to have one, as did my DH. I'm not going to my DSIL's either and my DH is only going to the meal during his DB's rather than the full 3 day blow out.

It's not like most people have a lot of spare lolly to throw down the drain these days and to me, it seems incredibly selfish to expect people will queue up to fork over a fortune out of guilt, loyalty, whatever and often have a pretty meh if not miserable time of it? What's wrong with having a good night out fairly locally which could be just as fun without the hassle, the cost, people being left out when they can't afford it or have childcare commitments, etc.? Am I the only one who thinks it's stupid for a crowd from Newcastle to head to Cardiff while a crowd from Cardiff is heading to Newcastle? It just seems completely daft.

Sorry, I'd tell her no dice and wouldn't feel an iota of guilt for it. If she desperately wants you there, she can pay your way.

EauDeLaPoisson · 12/02/2012 19:42

Sometimes you DO put yourself out for your close friends/family though surely???

Ragwort · 12/02/2012 19:46

Just say 'no thanks' - an invitation is not a summons to attend something, only on Mumsnet do people seem obliged to accept invitations. Surely all you have to say is something like 'it's not really my thing, you know we don't have a lot of spare cash but I'd love to take you out for lunch/dinner/whatever instead to celebrate'. End of. So what if she thinks you are a miserable kill joy?

GavisconJunkie · 12/02/2012 19:46

I was ready to say YANBU, but 18 months is ages both to save and sort suitable care for DD - who will presumably be a ripe old age by then!

I'm not a big drinker either, but it would be nice to be there for/with your sister and it might be a nice break. Ultimately your choice, but it's not THAT unreasonable an idea.

cakewench · 12/02/2012 20:31

YANBU. I don't get weekend long destination hen/stag dos. I think it's really unfair for people to expect their family and friends to shell out that kind of money, in addition to all the other money they are probably expecting them to spend (on gifts, hotel for the wedding, whatever else).

She's your sister, though, so it's possible you'll want to disregard my rant and go with it for sake of harmony. :(

delilahlilah · 12/02/2012 20:49

This far ahead you can do loads to keep the costs down, especially as Cardiff has a few travel lodges etc. The crux of it is if you actually want to go. If you go and are miserable, that will be worse. IT would be better to be honest and make a plan of your own with her if you actually don't want to go. Otherwise, look for cost cutting measures.

I do want to go on my Dsis's hen but her spoilt brat friend has planned it all for her with her knowing nothing and it is several hours away and 4 nights and for transport / accommodation and an organised event on one day, your are looking at £500+ before spending money. I plan to send a card with a friend who is going, explaning why I can't make it, and letting her know that those of us who are not able to afford this trip are going to take her for a meal closer to the wedding. I am a bit pissed of tbh that her friend has done this, as I think my Dsis will be disappointed when she gets there and her Mum, future MIL, sister and some close friends have been priced out.

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