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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mad with family for 'well intended' advice?

18 replies

RosesAndCustard · 11/02/2012 19:12

I am beginning to introduce a bottle of formula for my 3 month old, which has been really hard for me to do as I feel bad about not breast feeding for that feed. (but when I am giving the bottle there is a sense of relief, so it is what I want to do - hopefully it will keep me going longer actually).

Because other family member bottle fed, I keep being told by family that breast feeding isn't necessary, its uncomfortable and they don't see why I have been continuing. The advice I get is that she is growing up so get her on a bottle, why bother about breast feeding and, by the way, where is her dummy? Being the good daughter I am I sit and nod and look sheepish that I am not conforming but when left alone I am quietly fuming.

Will you fume with me or should I just chill out a bit?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/02/2012 19:14

Different ideas

Different parental choices

No point in fuming every time you come across them or you'll be fuming from now until you're pushing up daisies.

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 11/02/2012 19:16

I had family telling me from 6 weeks onwards that I didn't need to bf anymore, I had done 'important' bit, and like you said 'where is the dummy?' I told them that actually bf is recommended until 2 years, and that I didn't see the need for a dummy.

I bf DS1 for 21 months, and DS2 for 3 years. I think they finally got the hint! :)

Tell them that you don't want to give up bf, and that it isn't uncomfortable (assuming this is true)

lilyliz · 11/02/2012 19:16

I know what you mean do you just smile and nod or tell them to mind their own business.Best to just tell them it's the way you are doing it but thanks for the tips and you will keep them in mind.

LiviaAugusta · 11/02/2012 19:18

Are you happy bf? Is your baby growing well and contented when fed? If you're happy bf just nod and smile and ignore them. If you're happier introducing some formula, still nod and smile, ignore whatever anyone else says and do what's best for you and your dc! There's so much guilt associated with being a new parent anyway, and as well-meaning as friends and family can be it still doesn't help when they're telling you what's 'best'.

JustHecate · 11/02/2012 19:20

Don't be a 'good daughter'. Stand up for yourself! What are you going to do as your child grows up and they say stuff in front of her that you feel is wrong?

Start now. Tell them that you prefer to breastfeed because... and frankly, you aren't asking for their opinions on it.

Original poster
RosesAndCustard · 11/02/2012 19:23

Hi, thank you for the replies!

Livia I am happy with what I am doing, and will carry on. I would just like a little support. If I did exactly what they did I would probably be told all the time how wonderfully I was doing. In fact if my baby did what the others did then she would be somehow 'correct.'

It just drives me mad to be seen as odd rather than trying to do the best for my baby. Just because I don't see the world in the way they do I am being stubborn or not seeing things right.

OP posts:
thekidsrule · 11/02/2012 19:28

when you become a parent there will always be somebody giving you advice whether you ask or not

trust your instincts you are the parent of your child and ultimatley are the one that has to deal with babe day in day out

good luck

Swimminglikeaduck · 11/02/2012 19:29

Just do what YOU want to do. And enjoy your baby Grin

Original poster
RosesAndCustard · 11/02/2012 19:31

Thank you! Feel better already. Felt better as soon as I started typing actually. You are all right - Thanks

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 11/02/2012 19:32

D'you know one of the nicest things about being a parent is that you get to inflict what you want to do with your child. Surely they have their own children to practice on?!

cuttingpicassostoenails · 11/02/2012 19:36

RosesandCustard...what a lovely boardname.

PS...ignore the advice, do what feels right to you.

Original poster
RosesAndCustard · 11/02/2012 19:44

Kewcumeber Smile Good point! I like it.

cutting thank you!!

OP posts:
DizzyKipper · 11/02/2012 20:22

I find out of all the advice it's usually the "well intentioned" advice that is often the most annoying.

glenthebattleostrich · 11/02/2012 21:31

After BFing for 22 months (and counting) I'm now an expert at smiling and nodding.

My mum was telling me how it wasn't natural to breastfeed recently, which really strained the cheek muscles. I was so proud when my DN turned to her pregnant mummy and asked her if baby was having bottle milk or proper milk like my DD Grin.

pointythings · 11/02/2012 21:49

I like the bit about how at 3 months old she's 'growing up'. Better start booking driving lessons then, and start her job hunting.

Honestly!

You just do what feels right, OP. If that one bottle of formula helps you maintain the good bits of bf and makes life easier for you both, then that's all you need to know.

Inertia · 11/02/2012 21:59

You don't have to conform and nod and be good, while silently fuming. You can respond, and you can be clear that your parenting works for you and your child and that the fact you're not doing what other family members did is not an oversight.

-This mixed feeding system routine we have is working out brilliantly for me and for baby, thanks for asking.

  • No, she doesn't have a dummy so no need to worry about that.

-Breast feeding is perfectly comfortable, we're both happy to continue with that as well as introducing the bottle, but thanks for your concern.

  • Oh, isn't it funny how recommendations change so much between different generations? You know, breastfeeding is now recommended for babies up to the age of two years.

Don't fume, don't feel obliged to chill about it - just state your case (like a broken record if necessary, no point getting into a debate unless you really want one!)

MamaChoo · 11/02/2012 22:27

Or, be the problem person in the family for a change. Next time anyone mentions anything, yell,'Get the f**k out of my face! What's with this dummy shit? If I hear one more thing about bottles I'll ram one down your necks!"

While this is not terribly constructive, it seems quite unfair that in a lot of threads there are a lot of unreasonable family members who get treated with kid gloves, so sometimes I think it might be fun to be that person. And i doubt they'd question your methods again.

Diamondback · 11/02/2012 22:32

Two separate issues really: don't feel bad about combination feeding - I started giving my DD 1 bottle a day from 3 weeks old and it helped me continue bf; my DH could give her the 9pm feed while I got a nap!

As for the unwanted 'advice' I'd stop suffering in silence or it'll be doing your head in for months to come! You don't have to get in a row or into a discussion on bf v ff; just keep firmly reinforcing that this is what you've decided to do, you're happy and it suits you

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