to have rung her?

[CuriousMama]

I have a male friend who started seeing another mutual friend (female) they've now split but are still friends. Anyway, female friend is poorly with lots of issues, eating disorder etc.. Been off work. I was talking to male today by text, about something he and I are doing together. Thought she may like it but understood if she's too poorly etc.. texted him to say I was ringing her. Had a long chat with her, she cried a bit said she'd loved the chat and could we meet for coffee and that she does fancy doing the thing. Note, I'm closer to him than her but really like her, it's just a newer friendship. Anyway, he texted during the convo to say no, don't ring. She's so fragile right now and is paranoid

When I came off the phone from her she was ringing him to say she is going to join us in the thing we're doing. He had said no way would she.

Am now thinking I shouldn't have rang? Haven't heard back from either yet and it's been an hour. Hope I haven't caused any problems?

I don't see there's a problem - sounds like he just doesn't WANT her to come and that's his problem.

Yes I think you've caused problems

If you'd arranged to do something with one of them, it was pretty thoughtless to invite the other one without realising you might be putting him in an awkward situation.

I wouldn't fancy my friend inviting my ex along to something I'd agreed to attend..well not without checking with me in advance.

Of course you shouldn't. You arranged to do something with a friend, and then invited his ex-girlfriend to come without asking him? Why on earth would you fo that?

But if they're still friends, as the OP says, why would that be a problem?

Two separate issues here I think.

It sounds as though he's trying to cut off contact between you and her, which isn't very nice of him. I wonder who else he has told not to ring her and that she's 'too fragile & paranoid' - it's not nice of him and he needs telling.

However, you shouldn't have invited her to something you were doing with him without checking with him first. Not many of us want our ex's invited to spend time with us with our friends.

Phew he's just texted and he said she's coming with us and he genuinely thought she was too weak. (long story) Said he's happy I rang now as she was so glad of the talk

Oh the ex thing isn't the usual ex thing. They're very close friends first and foremost. And still socialise. It was the not ringing I was wondering about? I can see how it would seem though.

Because if she is currently emotionally vulnerable (as is suggested) then he might not want to feel that he will have the responsibility of supporting her when he really doesn't want to, just because they went out and have remained friends.

And because sometimes post relationship friendships aren't always simple. Particularly if one person has issues.

I'm glad you can see how the confusion might have occurred OP, given that the title of the thread was AIBU 'to have rung her'!

There is nothing wrong with beginning a friendship with this woman, but you were wrong to invite her to this thing. I would be very annoyed if my close friend invited my ex to come out with the two of us.

Call her up and arrange something else. Something that doesn't involve him.

It's not something only the 3 of us are doing, it's a group thing. He's very happy she's coming. Was a mutual split.

Oh DTD I haven't just began a friendship, known her ages but we've had more contact recently for various reasons and are getting closer. He and I are best friends. Sorry to be vague but any more information would make it obvious to anyone reading this who may know us.