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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be really pissed off with db partner?

46 replies

onwardandupwards · 11/02/2012 00:10

To cut a long story short, db and his partner came round to my house, his partner said she needed the loo and left the room to go, my db went to his car to get some thing, so i went upstairs and found his partner going through my handbag which was on my bed, i asked her what she was doing and she said it fell on the floor and she was picking it up. I am really pissed off with her and thought we were friends. Have not told my db as i am so cross it would end up in a arguement. AIBU to be so pissed off and not want her in my house again?

OP posts:

evansthebread · 11/02/2012 22:08

Never leave her on her own. If she goes to the loo, follow her upstairs to "get something" you've forgotten.

Am I right in thinking that you know in your heart that she's a problem? The trouble with a lot of women is that they don't listen to the alarm bells going off in their heads because it's not a "nice" way to behave.

Original poster

onwardandupwards · 11/02/2012 23:04

Didnt tell db as his last partner had cheated (only know as it was with my friend, who didnt know she was my db partner at the time) then she declared she was pregnant told everyone my db was the father, i told him what had happened and there was a chance baby might not be his, he stopped speaking to me then a year later she admitted baby was not his and his life fell apart and he blamed me for putting the doubts in his head and said i never liked her from the start, can you imagine what would happen if i told him this about his new partner? I did tell my sister and she said she caught her going through her drawer last week and said nothing for the same reason i didnt. (sorry for how long this is)

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 12/02/2012 00:13

you both have to tell him. and not let her in either of you houses or you parents house. that will be a tricky conversation.

Original poster

onwardandupwards · 12/02/2012 00:16

Dont know how i am going to tell him but i will, cant wait for tomorrow.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 12/02/2012 00:20

Cant you get your sister to be the messenger this time.. :(

He sure knows how to pick em by the sounds of it...

Original poster

onwardandupwards · 12/02/2012 00:24

My sister thinks we should leave it, but let her know that we both know what she has done.

OP posts:

nailak · 12/02/2012 01:26

Why don't you just ask her, it is obvious she is either a thief or looking for sanitary wear. Why assume the worst?

Piggles · 12/02/2012 09:15

The only reasons I can think of to go through someone else's bag without permission would be a) looking for something to steal, or b) extreme nosiness. Because if she needed something (like sanitary wear as suggested above) the OP was right there to ask - she didn't need to go off and hunt through a random bag.

OP - Did she have to go past your bedroom to get to the bathroom? Would a fallen bag be clearly visible from the doorway? Because that really helps or hurts her story.

Obviously you and your sister know she is nosy or has thieving impulses, but your brother could be persuaded to believe her if her story fits: she passed your bedroom doorway on the way to the bathroom, saw the bag on floor, kindly picked it up for you, then you came in and made horrid assumptions...

But if you can point out that she didn't need to go anywhere near your bedroom and/or couldn't have seen the bag from the doorway anyway then it makes your version of events that much stronger and more believable for your poor DB - who sounds like he has terrible taste in women.

Would your sister back you up if you do take the lead and tell your brother? So it isn't just one explainable incident coming from you.

Original poster

onwardandupwards · 12/02/2012 13:19

my bedroom is the door at the end, 2 after the bathroom, she was not looking for sanitary wear as this is on shelf in bathroom. Went to tell brother and the bunny boiler has booked a couple of nights away as she is stressed and needs a break. my ds said just leave it until they get back on tuesday.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 12/02/2012 17:43

I'm sorry, but, now you have described the Geography of your house, and the fact that your sister has also caught her doing the same/very similar in her house, I realy, really can't see why you woudn't both tell your brother. The girl is clearly not a very nice person to know, so I can't understand why you wouldn't let someone you love know that, especially now you have had secondary evidence from your sister.

bringbacksideburns · 12/02/2012 17:51

YABU not to tell him!! She was looking in your bag and your sister caught her looking through her drawer. The fact that nothing was taken is because she is obviously not very good at it.

You both tell him together and explain you didn't want to upset him because of what happened with the other relationship.

You need to tell him and i wouldn't trust her as as far as i could throw her.

Original poster

onwardandupwards · 12/02/2012 21:21

I phoned him and told him, he told me that me and my sister are just stiring and we dont want him to be happy. So i told him she was not welcome round my house and my other ds told him to tell her she was not welcome at her wedding next month. He has turned his phone off so its up to him now. Thank you all for your advice x

OP posts:

Eglu · 12/02/2012 21:28

Sounds a shame that your DB doesn't understand that his Sisters love him, and are not doing this to be spiteful.

SnapesMistress · 12/02/2012 21:29

You did the right thing, he may not be grateful but you have a clear conscience.

LydiaWickham · 12/02/2012 21:36

He has bad taste - you have done the right thing. Perhaps remind him you were right about his ex, and you'll wait to hear that his current girlfriend has been caught going through the bags of his friend's DW/Ps...

Original poster

onwardandupwards · 12/02/2012 22:02

still feel like i did the right thing, hes text my ds and told her he wont be at her wedding either (hes giving her away on the day) my ds told him she didnt care at least her guests could put their bags down and they would be where they left them!

OP posts:

bringbacksideburns · 12/02/2012 23:29

You definitely did the right thing. If my brother told me this i would believe him without question because what on earth would you be gaining???

my2centsis · 12/02/2012 23:40

So sorry your db can't see you were trying to help him OP.

What a crappy position to be put in, I hope db gf shows her true colours to db and you and DS get an apology.

Good luck :)

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 13/02/2012 11:42

It's a shame he can't see what you were trying to do for him but all you can do now is let him get on with it.

Don't get involved in conversations now where you can say "well, we were right last time" or calling her a thief and warning him she'll be stealing from everyone they know. Just stick to the facts as you know them now and keep it simple.

She couldn't have seen your bag or reached your bedroom without walking passed the bathroom and because that is the case she has not been able to properly explain what she was doing in your room with your bag. Likewise, there was no good explanation for her to be going through the drawers in your sisters house.

Don't say anything else about her, just say you have nothing against her, you want your brother to be happy, but because she can't properly explain what she was doing you have had no choice but to stop her coming to your house and felt that he deserved an explanation as to why.

Because if you can stay out of any name calling and arguments and speculations and don't drag up his ex then he can't really come back saying it's because you hate her and want him to be unhappy.

And that will make it much easier for him to come to you when he finds out she's been stealing from him or his friends etc.

BackforGood · 13/02/2012 16:55

Excellent advice from NOGTEYE

FutureNannyOgg · 13/02/2012 17:02

If it was a genuinely innocent thing, then surely she would have no issue with you mentioning it to your brother? You don't have to accuse her of anything, like NOGTEYE says, just state the facts and he can deal with it.
If she did have a genuine reason she didn't want to share with you, perhaps she can tell him.

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