To be pissed off with dh's family?

[bloodisthicker]

We have a 4 year old dd. DH's family are useless to say the least. They never send birthday or christmas cards, let alone presents.

DH's father has never even seen her. DH's sister has not seen her for 2.5 years and DH's brother has not seen her for 2 years.

I am at the end of my tether and really do not know what to do. Both my SIL (43) and BIL (33) have no children of their own and dd is an only child. So she has no cousins, no Aunts or Uncles to speak of (I am an only child too) and no paternal grandfather as such. My MIL has many 'issues' of her own and also has not seen dd for over a year.

The whole situation is beginning to get me down.

There has been no family 'fall out' as such - it just seems they honestly cannot be bothered.

What do I do? I am relcuctant to cut all ties but it is always me phoning/emailing etc.

At the end of your tether why?

And why would you cut contact if you have very little anyway?

Not everyone is 'into' family like you seem to be.

I sometimes went years without seeing my Nieces and Nephews...didn't mean I loved them any less.

You have to remember your child is the most important thing in your life, YABU to expect her to be just as important to them.

Build your own "family" via friendships etc. blood isn't thicker IMHO

Exactly agree with RandomMess - you can't make them want to play so just busy yourself sorting an alternative network of close friends of mixed ages and backgrounds as a substitute.

just think of all the inheritances coming your way :)

Don't be the one that calls or emails. There's no need for something as flouncy as cutting contact over this. Some families just aren't close, that's all.

It's sad when you're used to having a close family, to suddenly be part of one that isn't as close. But it doesn't mean anyone's done anything wrong. They just don't behave like you would like them to, or moreover how you would expect them to.

Liberty - I am at the end of my tether as it seems very strange to me to not even send a Birthday card - or even acknowledge a birthday.

I would cut contact as dd does not really know these people exist. She says at nursery 'Daddy doesn't have any brothers/sisters'. They have been working on 'family trees'.

Random - I see your point - which I have been doing!

What does your DH think about this? If he's not that bothered, I can't see why you make so much effort. I wouldn't suggest cutting all ties, but just stop contacting them as much. Are your parents still alive? The only relatives my DC have any regular contact with are my parents, but I really don't think they're any worse off than DCs with a larger extended family.

It doesn't sound as if you need to cut contact. Continue with Christmas cards, include a few lines of news and a photo of your dd, and leave it at that? Then if she wants to increase the relationship when she is older there is some connection there. In the meantime you can spend time on/with your parents and any other members of your family. Do you have any cousins you could revive relationships with, to increase the family circle?

It sounds sad but I agree cutting ties seems pointless as the ties aren't there. I'd just be a bit disappointed. "End of my tether" sounds a bit OTT.. What does your husband think? They're his family. I'd be disappointed if my parents and sibs didn't want to see me, never mind my kids. Does he visit them? If he's not bothered then I'd just leave things be.

Still no need to 'cut' contact though is there?

Just don't phone or email and wait for them to make the first move.

No child ever died from having Aunts and Uncles who don't keep in contact with them.

Not everyone is like that

Sounds just like my brothers, I've eventually realised that they aren't going to behave in a certain way (ie getting touch occasionally/ showing the slightest interest in me or my family) just because I think they should. Not easy but you don't need to cut ties as such, just come down to their level ( though I can't bring myself to miss dn's or their birthdays even though one of them has no compunction about missing all of ours.

Liberty - I wasn't suggesting she might die through the lack of contact/no contact.

DH is away working overseas. He saw his mum about a year ago.

So I need to take a reality check?

Absolutely you do. Some families just aren't close. My DDad hasn't seen his brother or sister for at least 6 years, the most they do is Christmas cards, and that is only because my DMum does the cards. They just aren't a close family, never were. I know very little about that side of my family, they are the complete opposite of us.

What WorraLiberty said. Why are you "at the end of your tether"? It really is no big deal, no child ever died through lack of aunts or uncles and that your child is the centre of your world doesn't mean that she's going to be the centre of anyone else's.

Golly I am surprised at some of these responses. No wonder society has gone the way it has.

I kind of agree with you about society. But you can't change people, and you also need to recognise that your DC are utterly insignificant to everyone apart from you and your DH. And your immediate family, if you are lucky enough to have a close one.

BIT, my DH's DB & SIL live about 300 metres away, and apart from duty birthday and Christmas presents/visits, show very little interest in them. I don't like it, as I also believe families are important, but have to accept that this is the way they are. What else can I (and you) do?

I think some of the posters on this thread are just trying to help you see that - it doesn't mean they don't care about their families.

Most of my DH family aren't interested in our DC (or us!) They are just not close. Our DC know the have an auntie and uncle but they have yet to meet them in the last decade and not likely to meet them in the next.
It's no big deal, I still send cards to them, i wouldn't 'cut' them off, it's just the way it is.

MsV - Thank you. But dd doesn't even get the duty visits/cards etc! Nothing! That is what infuriates me.

It won't occur to them, as that is probably not what they were brought up with.

Please don't let it infuriate you, you can't force people to change and it is a pointless waste of emotions. Your DD is not going to be harmed in any way by the lack of interest, she has you, your DH and your family. Just accept it, and accept that it's not going to change.

Thanks guys. Seems I am making mountains out of molehills.

Its sad but there's not much you can do. Okay you can cut all ties... which would be extreme and really should be your DH's decision.

Some family bother, some don't.

DH's brother is part of DH's lives but not ours for example.
My family live far away (although they do make an effort)

My children have no cousins.

We do foster our family friendships though, my children don't miss out. They may wonder why they don't see their Uncle, but they don't much care about it. They wonder why they have no cousins but I can't force my siblings to breed (or should I tell my children about my sisters many attempts to provide them with cousins that have failed?).

Your happiness does not depend on family who don't really exist in your life, so don't let it get you down.

YANBU to be sad.

I totally understand why you're frustrated. You want your DD to know and spend time with family. And want family to get to know and love your DD.

I come from a small but close family and DS sees a lot of his grandparents, uncle, aunt and cousins. We send cards and buy presents and take turns at having dinner at Christmas.

DH is from a large family but they're not close and he claims not to know when his siblings birthdays are. DS doesn't see much of his paternal family at all.

I don't understand it but DS is loved by the family and friends around him so that's enough for me.