to not know if this is normal playground stuff or bullying?

[TheresASpareChairOverThere]

I feel confused about how school is for DS1 (8) these days, his school seems unfriendly to me and I don't know if this is run-of-the-mill or a sign of more serious problems.

A while back I heard from some boys who came to play at ours that boy N was a loser, that DS1 would be a loser if he played with him, N's brain didn't work etc etc. I brought this to teacher's attention, who told me boy N had ways that annoyed other children.

DS1 has been moved/swapped partners a lot, at one point he was switched to sit with someone who was moved due to bad behaviour. DS1 called a loser, rubbish at sport, stop whinging every day by new partner. Raised this with teacher and told DS1 is sensitive. I requested and got a move as I explained it was upsetting him.

Am I being oversensitive, or does it sound like something is wrong? My gut tells me it is not a nice class, not much kindness, but maybe I am being too soft. I myself went to pretty ropey schools but I thought name calling and ostracisation were taken more seriously these days.

WIBU to escalate my concerns beyond class teacher? I can't say DS1 is being 'bullied' but it feels like a negative culture pervades. Teacher tells me she can only do so much given the pupils at the school. I felt rather at that comment.

Anyway, sure you'll set me straight! TIA.

I'd be concerned about the teacher's attitude too. She seems to find it easier to blame others or avoid the issue when there's poor behaviour, rather than tackling the problem - "N had ways that annoyed other children" "someone who was moved due to bad behaviour" "told DS1 is sensitive". IF this is the case I'd be having a chat with the head.

The problems with the other children do sounds like normal playground/school stuff though - things that a good teacher would usually tackle fairly easily

Its hard to gauge, but from what you've said there seems to be a pattern. Its also bringing your son down, so whether he's over sensitive or whether he's being bullied there is certainly an issue with kindness.

YANBU to be concerned.

Better to try and sort it than wait for a definitive incident, because often there isn't one. Sometimes only the affects on the victim are the only signs. So if your son isn't happy, if his confidence and happiness is in decline, its worth trying to sort out.

Whether he's being bullied or not (he may be, he may simply struggle in the social chaos of playground politics - it will become clear over time) is not the main issue right now, the main issue is your son doesn't seem happy and is struggling... its worth investigating further, speaking regularly to the teacher, asking for strategies (gets the teacher thinking and watching and noticing more).. I really hope your ds isn't being bullied.

Turns out mine is. It also transpires that my son also struggles with the whole lord of the flies playground politics, maybe thats a symptom or cause.. either way, we cannot ignore it.

I think it is time to raise your concerns with the Head because your son's confidence is being undermined. If this behaviour (if you play with so and so then your are ...) goes on persistently then I would consider it as bullying. Personally, I would also start looking at other schools.

Thanks both. He does struggle with the chaos, he is just quite sweet and not a very grabby/pushy person, he gets very upset at what other children say even when it isn't intended to hurt.

I'm sorry to hear your son is being bullied, aldi.

Dikkertjedap - yes, I have done some internet looking, almost without realising what I was doing!

Listen to that little voice in your head, op. I wish I had followed my own advice years ago.

I just talked to him and he says its all fine. But he just seems flat. Could he be flat for some other reason I just can't fathom?

I know exactly how you feel. I watched my six-year-old son being chased around in the playground by a bunch of boys who then appeared to be very rough with him when they caught him. He would then usually burst into tears - but then he has always cried very easily, so that didn't necessarily mean anything. I would have been straight in there and sorting them out, BUT - five minutes later he would be running after them, laughing and saying, "Chase me!" again. The teachers said it was boys being boys, six of one and half a dozen of the other, my son's too sensitive etc. My son insisted that these boys were his friends. Right up until the point where he sobbed his heart out to his Dad and said that he didn't want them to come to his birthday party because he was scared of them...

The school was spectacularly unhelpful. I got the feeling that they would prefer to brush any possible episodes of bullying under the carpet to protect their precious OFSTED ranking. They pretty much blamed my son for the situation. Eventually they made him so unhappy that he was literally tearing his hair out and having nightmares. We started to hear horror stories from dinner ladies about what was happening to our son at school (the school wouldn't tell us, and our son just kept it all in). It turned out that our son is mildly autistic and just doesn't understand what a friend is or how one is supposed to behave, and was being picked on mercilessly by a whole bunch of his classmates - he naively assumed they were his friends just because they paid attention to him. We managed to move him to another school, and he has stopped having nightmares, stopped pulling out his hair, stopped chewing his nails down to the quick - the difference has been incredible. I feel so bad that I couldn't tell the difference between normal playground stuff and bullying, but it is such a hard thing to judge when the school is so secretive and insists that everything is fine.

Sorry about the essay, but after my experience, I do not think you are being unreasonable. If I thought for one moment that my son was becoming unhappy again, I would be in to see his teachers like a shot. Luckily they are so much kinder and more understanding than the previous school that I don't think I would have to go any higher than his class teachers - they actually seem to care about HIM rather than their school's reputation.

Good luck!

x

Thank you, that made me cry thinking of your but I am so pleased you found a solution.

Your son

I think when you go into school mention 'bullying' and 'duty of care' and watch them all stand to attention. They are reputation damaging words!! And no your are not being sensitive or silly, you have noticed a general picture of crapness and need it sorted. Go for it OP.

My youngest son was in a really nasty class at his first primary. You could never quite put your finger on it but the whole class just didn't gell. Bitchy girls, alpha males vying for top spot. The Head was the most ineffectual pratt I've ever had the misfortune to come across. I ended up moving DS3 before he had a complete breakdown over the whole episode. (not an over reaction and hysterical comment)

*gel

Be pro-active and firm about this. Ask for a copy of the school's behaviour policy and anti-bullying policy. Make an appointment to speak to the Head at the same time. They are legally obliged to show you a copy of these, don't be fobbed off.

If you feel like you're being side-lined, ask for the contact details of the Chair of Governors and the local education authority. Make sure you ring both if you get no joy from the school.

It's a sad but true fact that schools are having to bend over backwards to accomodate children who cannot behave or have specific behavioural problems. The children who go there to learn are often ignored and left to get on with it as they won't make a fuss. The squeakiest wheel gets oiled first!

I think you should trust your instincts here - something's not quite right and needs to be addressed.

My dd was frequently left out at primary school, not bullied as such, but never really knew how to make friends and was never once invited to anyone's house nor a single birthday party. I once went to the school at morning break to hand in her packed lunch which she'd forgotten, and felt incredibly sad to see her standing alone watching others play. I did raise it with her teacher and indeed the headteacher on one occasion, but I was fobbed off with 'oh, some children do just like their own company you know'.

I wish I'd been stronger, more assertive, and dealt with it by a more formal approach. But I was young, and doubted myself that perhaps I was projecting my own feelings of inadequacy onto her situation. Dd said she was ok and didn't want me to make a fuss, and that she didn't want people to be forced to play with her .

Dd is a teenager now, and really grew into herself at secondary school so all's well that ends well. But I do regret not taking a stance with her primary school - it wasn't a happy time in her life.

Thanks all. Gonna talk all your thoughts over with DP this weekend, I don't think we will be doing anything radical immediately but I think we will be very proactive in watching this over the coming weeks. Thanks again.

I agree that the most concerning thing here is the teachers attitude. Sounds like she is failing to promote positive relationships and interactions amongst her students. All part of the job as far as I'm concerned.