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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

23 replies

pinkbunny2012 · 10/02/2012 18:51

Wondering if anyone can help shed some light on this for me?
Me and my husband have been together for 5 years and recently there has been a lot of changes. After being a stay at home mum i have gone back to work, working 4 days a week, although i go into work everyday i also have around 4 hours of work to do at home in the evenings most nights.
My husband also works full time and leaves at around 8 in the morning. He finishes work at 6 and goes to the gym 3 nights a week, meaning he isnt home from work til near 8 o clock, by which time my son has only 10 minutes before bed time. Another 2 nights of the week he visits family members of which he usually wishes me to go to, meaning when i get home i have my work to do, so i dont usually end up going to be until after 2 in the morning.
I also have to do all the housework, he does attempt it on his days off after i insist. He also only insists on eating salad every night after he gets in so we are unable to eat as a family, so i either have to eat with my son or wait and eat with my husband at 9 o clock in the evening, i would love us to sit down as a family for an evening meal.
Am i being unreasonable? i have tried speaking to him but it always ends in a row as he thinks i am being unreasonable, i never have any time for myself to do what i would like and feel all the responsibilities of the child and the home is on my shoulders.
Sorry for the long message!
Thanks xx

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 10/02/2012 18:54

It's a question of approaching family life equally so you both get to have time to yourself, you both do the housework and you have time together. Sounds like this isn't happening. You need to start insisting.

randommoment · 10/02/2012 18:54

Just to clarify, you mention 'my son' - is he your husband's son too, or yours from a previous relationship? Seems very weird that he's not willing to have family mealtimes.

Original poster
pinkbunny2012 · 10/02/2012 18:57

Yes it is his son, i feel he is missing out on quality time with him as he goes to work before he is awake and only sees him for 20-30 mins before he goes to sleep x

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 10/02/2012 19:06

Why on earth doesn't he do any housework? Do you get to go out some evenings? Your DH is taking the piss, he thinks you're his childcare and domestic help, not his wife. Why do you let him treat you that way?

If he doesn't want to be part of the family, exclude him. Stop shopping for him, stop cleaning up after him, don't do his laundry. And tell him that you're going out for some 'me time', then just walk out the door. He should get the point soon enough.

Also, are you contracted to work those 4 hours in the evening? If you're only being paid to work 4 days and are being given too much to do in your free time, you need to speak to your employers, because they're taking the piss too.

Original poster
pinkbunny2012 · 10/02/2012 19:12

Its to late by the time he comes in from doing everything else and has something to eat its about 9.30, if i ask him to help out we usually have a row followed by a day or two of him helping and then it goes back to how it was before. I dont go out any evenings, by the time iv got my son ready, dropped him to nursery, picked him up, come home and cleaned up, cooked dinner and put my son to bed i then have the rest of my work to do, so dont ever seem to find time to do the things i want to do! And yes have to do the work in the evening as i have to prepare paperwork for my next days work as a solicitor. He insists he does want to be part of the family but it becomes so lonely on your own most of the evenings, i feel he is missing out on so much by putting the gym and his family first, thank you all for listening xx

OP posts:
LittlePandaBear · 10/02/2012 19:33

Do you spend any family time together at the weekend to make up for the lonely week?
I know it's not nice but I think it's quite common that the partner who works more hours doesn't get to spend much time with the child. My DH drops my DD off at childcare 3 days a week when I go to work, but then rarely sees her in the evening as she's in bed when he gets home due to working long hours in a pressured job. If he chose to go to the gym 3 nights instead of seeing DD I'd be annoyed. However I know it's not by choice and he'd love to spend more time with her, it's just how it goes and we spend more time together at the weekends.
YANBU - you'll have to start arranging the odd night out with friends and tell him he has to be home for you son!

Original poster
pinkbunny2012 · 10/02/2012 19:44

I could understand if it was due to work, as it would be benefiting us as a family, the two days he is off work im at work so we dont really get to spend quality time together then either, even when iv been ill he has still gone to the gym, to see his family etc leaving me with baby and expecting me to be happy when he arrives home! think i need to start being more harsh on him x

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 10/02/2012 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFeministsWife · 10/02/2012 20:33

So he goes to the gym 3 times a week straight from work, he goes to see family another 2 days straight from work? So he doesn't prioritise seeing his young son at all? You do all the housework and work as a solicitor? Shock Surely you'd have less to do if you were single you wouldn't have to pick up after this cocklodger!

Dozer · 10/02/2012 20:48

He is being v unreasonable! Might get good advice in relationships section.

Shelby2010 · 10/02/2012 21:06

Basically what everyone else said - YANBU!

On a practical note, many gyms are open late, so why can't he come home & spend time with his family and then go to the gym after ds has gone to bed? Also spending 2 evenings a week with other family is a bit odd IMO, you & ds are his family so that's where he should be! As for only doing housework when nagged, that probably describes at least 50% of men....

Might be way off the mark but are you sure he hasn't got a secret double life and that is where he goes after work??!!

NeedlesCuties · 10/02/2012 21:47

You say he's going to visit family members - is he going to help infirm or disabled relations who need him to visit 2 nights a week every week? If they are then he maybe isn't a big bad wolf.... if these are able-bodied people who don't need him to visit so much then he shouldn't go as often.

If I were you I'd be fuming if my DH got on that way.

You seem like a good mum holding everything together the way you do, for your DC and working so hard.

He needs a reality check.

Original poster
pinkbunny2012 · 10/02/2012 22:02

He goes to see his mum twice a week who is elderly, i wouldnt mind if he skipped the gym and we all went together as a family and as a family outing as i think it would still be spending time together, i try and be a good mum, i just want the best for my son! but also something for me too, i feel like im living for the family and not as a person in my own right, and i feel selfish if i do do something for myself! i think i need to sit down and explain how i feel, and maybe if nothing changes maybe think about doing things on my own, just feel apprehensive at the thought of being a single parent, i always imagined when i had children i would bring them up with someone x

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 10/02/2012 22:05

I never cease to be amazed about what other women put up with to keep their man.
WTF are you getting out of this?
Jeez, thank God I'm a single parent.

imoanruby · 10/02/2012 22:05

YANBU!

willybreeder · 10/02/2012 22:08

Er, he's being unbelievably selfish!! This is what I would do immediately

  1. Employ a cleaner that he needs to pay towards
  2. Ask/tell him you and his son need him home minimum 2-3 evenings a week, (as suggested by another he could go to the gym after ds bedtime)
Do you as a family get to have family time at the weekend?
DioneTheDiabolist · 10/02/2012 22:13

YANBU. Life has changed. His insistence that it hasn't is at odds with reality.

NeedlesCuties · 10/02/2012 22:14

You poor thing, he really needs to look in the mirror and wise up!

Have you tried saying to him something along the lines of, "Oh, I'm thinking of going to the cinema with a friend next Wednesday evening, that okay?" or saying that you want to go get your haircut or really anything outside of the house!

Do you ever make plans to go out or are you always either at work or in the house with your DC?

If you can't even make a plan with a few days/weeks notice without him kicking off then he really is a tosser.

saynothing · 10/02/2012 22:15

Wow your DH needs a kick up the ass, I can't stand it when men thinks a baby is a womans responsibility only! I go to a few exercise classes a wk and always get this face when I say DH is looking after our LO Shock wtf?!

I simply would not put up with this, you need to sit him down and sort this and take drastic action if needed, because the situation will get worse if you don't nip it in the bud.

You have just as much right to a life as him, please don't feel guilty!

You are not AIBU but your DH is!!!

saynothing · 10/02/2012 22:18

*BU obviously!

suburbophobe · 10/02/2012 22:19

Sounds like he's checked out quite frankly....

While keeping you around to do everything.

LadyBeaglEeyes - my thoughts exactly....

Forrestgump · 10/02/2012 22:24

You havnt really got a 50/50 relationship going on at the minute op, from reading that you are in on your own already.

Your husband could go to the gym after he has read his son a bed time story and put him to bed, or he could go before work.

Original poster
pinkbunny2012 · 10/02/2012 23:43

Thank You all for your support! He came in tonight from the gym as i was putting little one to bed, so i sat down and spoke to him and just said i wasnt angry (cos it usually ends up in an arguement) and said i had had enough and he has said all the right things but who knows if this time will be different? i said to him hes got 2 weeks and if nothing changes thats it! and think im going to have to stick to it this time! Thank you all so much its really helped having your opinions and waking me up to the fact that iv allowed this to happen!! x

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