to hang up on mum AGAIN

[Grumpypreggo]

GRRRRRRR what is it with mothers knowing exactly how to push your buttons and wind you up?
My mum called to have a chat, I told her I wanted her opinion on a couple of dresses so she said why dont I pop over today. I said I had tons of housework to do today (as only day off for a while) but could plough on and see how far i get by the afternoon. Her response "ooooo you and DH arent going to know what hits you when this baby comes" haha hoho.

(The one thing that really presses my buttons is how she treats me like im some sort of incapable idiot despite all evidence to the the contrary. This assessment is based on my lack of desire to be a 1950's housewife and work fulltime ie i dont do my husband a packed lunch/tackle my ironing mountain regularly thus i am a useless arse.)

So I tell her very nicely that thats a bit patronising. Her response "Oh you cant talk to you, you always go off the handle. Even your brother agrees we were just saying the other day how you cant say anything to you without you getting angry..." CLICK i hang up. I just cant be arsed to sit listening to her slag me off, and now i REALLY dont want to go round!
My mum seems to have some problem with not understanding what is rude and what isnt. She doesnt seem to have much of a concept of other peoples feelings, and then seems utterly bewildered if i get cross with her after she says something really rude, genuinely looks at me like im insane and says something along the lines of "oh you cant say anything to you". She often starts sentences with "now dont get angry if i say this" to which i respond "dont say it, clearly you know youre about to say something that is goign to wind me up, so just dont say it", of course she proceeds to say very annoying/rude thing and then when i react will say "seee seeee you just cant say anything to you without you getting angry, your brother/dad agree with me". (Neither of which have ever commented to me, i imagine they just agree with her for an quiet life).

So was IBU to hang up?

mumsnet disclaimer: i appreciate this is a very very very minor issue. But im avoiding the housework, as i am a 'useless arse'.

Honestly?

Based on that conversation, YABU.

It does sound a bit as though she can't say anything without you getting angry though.

YABU and very touchy if that's all she said.

She's probably right too...most of us don't know what hits us when the baby comes along.

Your mum sounds a bit immature and I think that some of those comments are out of order.

Not sure that hanging up is the answer but you have my sympathies

You BOTH sound a bit immature to me.

I think your mum was being unreasonable by jumping in with 'you can't say anything etc.' when all you'd said was that's a bit patronising. It's very annoying when you feel you can't express minor frustrations with someone because they're going to go into a flap about how 'angry' you are.

However, YWBU to hang up on her, that will just prove to her that you are oversensitive and do get angry at the slightest thing. Hanging up on someone is a very aggressive thing to do, imo.

"Even your brother agrees we were just saying the other day how you cant say anything to you without you getting angry"
Hmm. Paraphrase that to "we sit and criticise you behind your back and with no right of reply" and I'd hang up on her as well. Bloody rude.

She's pressing your buttons and you're reacting because you feel inadequate about your housekeeping abilities. You lack confidence in your own abilities, and, deep down, believe that you should be some 1950s housewife and mother, and feel guilty by your rejection of this style of living. If you had more confidence in yourself, you wouldn't be reacting in this way. You need to have more belief in yourself and in your choices and simply brush off the things that your mother says to you. It's also normal to feel quite irritable and touchy when pregnant because you're facing such a huge upheavel in your life. When the baby arrives, it won't be as bad as you imagine and you'll cope fine. You'll feel like an old hand after a little while, but you need to have more confidence.

Thanks for replies.

Yes okay, i over reacted. I guess the problem being that what was one simple and minor comment comes from a background of lots and lots of similar comments which really really make me cross, and so rather than seeing red i have gotten into the habit of just hanging up and not starting an argument which has no conclusion. No matter how many times i explain to her that i have heard and acknowledged her opinion on the matter and would she please not keeping saying the same thing as its pointless and really annoys me, she just cant leave it alone. We're both opinionated. I am happy to come to a "well, we all do things our own way" position, she holds the opinion that its her way or the highway. She actually has a bracelet she wears all the time which says "You either agree with me, or you are wrong" on it.

Here's what I've learnt from MN:

Did you mean that to sound so rude?

Your Mum sounds just like mine. Sending a in your direction.

Grumpy YABU, but in the grand scheme of things you are not.

I am the same with my mum, much of what I get angry over is me BU, but its part of a much broader issue... little snipes here and there that in isolation are nothing really, but its continuous.

I'm going to Barcelona with her and my sister for a weekend in April, I should be looking forward to it, but I KNOW what will happen. They will gently pick me apart so I lose all humour, then they'll say something fair inocuous and I'll flounce, or get cross or say something that will offend them out of sheer frustration... its already started. They've phoned and emailed FOUR times to see if I have a passport, answer yes, then they phone to see if its still valid, erm yes, then again to see when it expires!! Then there's quips about having to put me on reins so I don't get lost. FFS.

Truthfully I have known to be ditzy, but never with the really important stuff, and I've never had a problem finding my way round new places.

And breathe. So for you and your total issues, YANBU. You do need to learn some kind of mantra though, because its unlikely they'll change. Keep your cool, your mission is to find a way of doing it!

YABU

maybe she has a point

OP I understand where you're coming from and YANBU.

The other posters on here who say you are being unreasonable obviously don't have FUCKING ANNOYING AND MANIPULATIVE MOTHERS like I do.

What she is doing is saying things that are deliberately provocative or offensive to you...but when you object, it is you being angry/unreasonable.

And yes you probably did and do overreact but if someone's pushing all your buttons then you would do. And yes why say something if you know it's going to make someone angry?

It was annoying/unfair to bring someone else into it 'your brother thinks so too'.

I am totally projecting in my response. But if she's anything like my mum I really feel for you.

YANBU

BUT I think you are sending her mixed messages.... you start by asking her opinion on something (which is essentially saying that you don't trust your own opinion and need her views to validate your behaviour) then you get pissed off when she treats you like a child. You offered yourself up as a child.

Treat yourself like an adult and it may (slowly!) get better.

Even if you want her opinion on something (and of course you should be able to ask for it but I think it sounds as though you shouldn't with your mum) I don't think you should ask for it as it perpetuates this idea of you as the child, and a tantrumming one at that.

I'm with those that say you aren't being unreasonable... says one with a mother who I also frequently just hang up on or have to walk out of the room / house to get away from those annoying / rude comments - I've said to her 'you wouldn't say to a friend what you say to me, so please just don't say it' and she still doesn't get it ! Yes sometimes I might be overreacting but still I've realised I feel a darn sight better for making the stance then listening to her pull me apart.

"You start by asking her opinion on something (which is essentially saying that you don't trust your own opinion and need her views to validate your behaviour) then you get pissed off when she treats you like a child. You offered yourself up as a child."

Don't agree, Googie. Asking for someone else's opinion about your dress isn't offering yourself up as a child. It's just asking their opinion. It's something you might do with a partner or friend. In fact, it's quite nice the OP likes her mum enough to ask her opinion in the first place.

I know exactly where the OP is coming from because my (late) dad used to do this to me. He'd say something to wind me up, I'd get annoyed, then he'd tell me that I needed to learn to be calmer/not get so wound up/control my temper etc.

And what the OP's mum said was irritating. The OP clearly works full time and so she has one day off in which she decides to do the housework. Completely reasonable. No reason at all for her mum to make a snide remark about "you won't know what's hit you when the baby arrives". I really hate it when people who have had children act in this superior manner to people who haven't.

YANBU at all. I think the people who are saying YABU don't really realise just how wearing it can be to put up with those snidey comments all the time. No matter how old anyone gets they still crave the approval of their parents and a comment from a parent can always sting even if it is silly or unfounded.

In the long run, OP, I think you have to accept that this is the way your mother is and she isn't going to change. You can only change your reaction to her comments. You have to try to distance yourself emotionally from her, try to make peace with the things she is critical of, and just let the comments wash over you. The only two alternatives are to cut contact altogether (rather extreme in this case) or continue to be hurt and seethe every time you talk to her (unhealthy). Chances are the comments will always sting to a certain extent but you have to work out a way of not letting them really wind you up.

hack I agree with you, and I was trying to say that in my post, but I think that with certain people, they take you asking their opinion as a sign of 'servitude'. You should be able to ask, but with some people you can't.