AIBU to tell my dh to just get a grip and stop moaning for once - depression related, massive rant.

[Dirtydishesmakemesad]

He works from home, he has a office downstairs. He is ALWAYS saying he cant concentrate. Today for example my oldest is ill, the three youngest are home (one has teacher training day the others are preschool age). He has done nothing for weeks but moan about how he cant get started with work, he cant concentrate, he cant "get into it". He states various problems from the children being around (sorry they live here?) to the fact I have had to go to the hospital which involves him taking roughly an hour to look after them.
He does however spend 90% of the day in his office - he gets up to sit there and stays there until bedtime. The children are in bed by 7pm and asleep he sits at the computer until midnight.

He has a history of depression and all he does is sit staring at the screenm he has a list of work which i have helped him do - he has plenty of work in. He just doesnt do it. Perhaps he does find it hard to concentrate but then again so would I if i spent all day "organizing my music" or the like.

I am 38 weeks pregnant, I have a cold/chesty thing, my blood pressure is high and I am getting induced on monday. He has been so much better recently with the depression issues but now it seems like hes decided as things seem a bit hard he is going to just shut down again.

I know there are people reading this saying wow what an uncaring bitch dirtydishes is doesnt she realise depression is an illness - but at this point it just feels like a cop out - too much for him, leave it to me.

He wont talk about the birth, in fact i dont even think he will be there so would i be unreasonable to just tell him that i just dont care how he feels - he needs to get on with work as this is the only thing he is responsible for at the moment.

sorry for the massive rant but i havent really got anyone in real life to rant to!

Yes dc5. First four born before the depression kicked in this one accidental.

You need to go out and get support as much as he does, definitely. My mum offered to talk with my partner about any difficulties he had because she said she knows how bloody tough I am to live with, and said he could moan as much as he liked because she understood, and when I was more lucid I encouraged him to talk to someone about it because I knew it was tough.

Well I hope everything works out for you. Try and get as much RL support as you can. Can Home Start help? you're pregnant with very young children and a husband who is sick.

It shall pass but in the meantime get help for yourself before you can even help him.

Congrats on the baby

Some time out of the house would help him - sitting in one room all day, in front of the computer, is really not healthy. An hour's walk a day would be good on all fronts - exercise, fresh air, more daylight. How you convince him to do this is another matter (my DH is the same, can't see the need for getting out of the house).

My DH has depression, and it took me throwing all his stuff out and saying "get help or leave" before he finally got help. Having suffered myself in the past, I know how easy it is to slip down the slope, and not realise how far you have gone until you finally start to come out of it. It is a very "me, me, me!" illness, and I can see that your DH seems to be in a very insular place, not wanting to interact with anyone, and, TBH, working from home is only going to exacerbate that. But you also need to think of yourslf, and the DC, especially as you will be even more tied up with childcare once the baby arrives.

The thing is, this can't be what he's really like. When you get fixed on something like that and concentration is very hard (probably not half as hard as what it really would be but still- difficult and big efforts worthless), it's nigh on impossible to change your mindset and get out of the rut. It really is a rut.

OP- you say your DH was on medication briefly and then stopped. He has been foolish to stop suddenly without a GP supervising it as ADs need a gradual reduction to avoid side effects or even worsening of symptoms that can happen during sudden withdrawal.

I think he is being incredibly unfair as he is leaving you to deal with four kids whilst you are about to have a baby. To refuse to seek help is almost an act of aggression. He owes it to you and the kids to sort himself out. He is deadwood at the moment and you need him.

Like other posters I gave my DH an ultimatum. Get help and become a useful and valued member of this family again or go and live with your friend. Luckily he went to the GP the next day.

As a mother and a wife, I was tired of his moods draining the life out of us all, tired of his moody silences, tired of the sudden outbursts of shouting and anger, tired of feeling like a single mother.

You NEED him now. He is draining you and you are about to be a mother of five. You can't be expected to do this on your own whilst he tuts and sighs and cuts himself off for 12 hours a day. ENOUGH!

I totally agree with YouOldSlag

You need to lay it on the line to your DH: he needs to sort himself out or get out. As oldslag says, why should you put up with him draining everything out of you and have to act like a single mother.

The way he is behaving about the birth would be a breaking point for me, I feel. I couldn't be with someone that couldn't support me through something as big as that, depression or not. He needs to seek help, and fast.

"He needs to seek help, and fast."

Oh yeah! The magic bullet. As if GPs can fix depression just like that. Look, I sympathise I really do, and yes I agree he needs to see a GP to find out if there is anything that can be done, but please can everyone stop talking as if depression is something sufferers choose to suffer from and that could be fixed just like that with no diffculties whatsoever. I am at the point right now where I could just walk out of my life and leave everyone and everything else behind. I am at the end of my rope and I think my family would be better off without me. Stupid? Selfish? Yep, probably, But i am doing my level best to carry on as normal. I am planning to see a GP but it isn't easy to do - because my experience of NHS and depression is fairly hit and miss and I know they will offer me ADs and I've been down that road before and it's not always the best one. It's not like a nasty infection that can be treated with a dose of antibiotics. Why do threads like this always end up with the depressive being pilloried. It's really really unjust.

Sorry OP. Hope things get better for you soon.

OrmIrian. I have suffered from depression myself in the past. Bad depression. You are not the only one to have it, believe me. There was no need for you to lecture me like that.

And I do know no one chooses to suffer from it BUT one can choose to seek help. Which is the point I, and many others, are trying to make on this thread. Whether he recovers quickly or not, the OP's husband does at least need to TRY to seek some help.

It wasn't just aimed at you. But if you were where I am righjt now you'd struggle with all the accusations of selfishness being aimed at depressives. I am just about keeping my head above water.

How would it help the OP if he 'seeks help' and doesn't get any better?

OrmIrian, if you don't want to go the Anti-d route, consider seeing a counsellor and having some CBT and NLP. It helped me no end when I was in a very bad depressive state and, rather than being a pick me up like the tablets, it has helped me long term and has really helped to cure my depression.

OrmIrian, as I said, you are not the only one to suffer or to have suffered from bad depression. I have been there, with the only just keeping my head above water thing. I can see though that you are trapped in a very negative cycle, which is normal for depression, where you cannot see the wood for the trees.

how will the OP's husband know if he can be helped or not unless he tries? He needs to at least try.

YANBU My DH also has depression and it's intolerable living with him at times. I find the selfish nature of his illness very difficult. It's had a brutal impact on me & DC.

I try to recognize that I can't fix his depression. It's been incredibly frustrating watching him choose not to help himself. My thinking is that all I can do is look after myself and DC and try and limit the impact of his depression as much as I can. I have thrown myself into exercise and keeping myself fit.

I really feel for you, and you need to put yourself first, esp being pg. One technique I use is when DH moans about this that and the other I say "I'm sorry you feel that way, what are you going to do about it?" It hands the responsibility and problem solving back to him, and I don't wear myself out trying to work out his shit for him.

It's easier said than done though. My DH's depression has led us to the brink of divorce, there still doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by where i don't cry at some point.Take good care of yourself - really - it's all you can do.

Depression is an illness. A difficult one that affects the person who has it and those around them. (Alhtough I believe in some cases symptoms of depression can also sometimes be a learned behaviour which can be unlearned)

Either way being so isolated as many have said is not going to help and your DH would benefit from the ideas on this thread

YANBU to be really fed up and frustrated, nor would you be U to let you DH know how much is behaviour is impacting on you. Yes depression is an illness, but it is a treatable one. If someone had a chest infection but wouldnt take antibiotics you'd have limited sympathy for them.

I feel for your DH but he needs to know that you are finding it hard and he needs to take steps to deal with his depression, not just for him but for all of you. It is a selfish illness by its nature though so this is never easy

Good luck

Why do threads like this always end up with the depressive being pilloried. It's really really unjust.

OrmIran- I am sorry for what you are going through. Nobody chooses Depression. I have had it myself and it remains the darkest, lowest most hopeless memory of my whole life.

However, I was helped by a chance in circumstances and CBT. My DH was helped enormously by ADs. Both of us are fine now and were helped in different ways.

I will turn what you say around and put it this way- The Depression sufferer is NOT the only who suffers. How is it fair on their supporters if they decide that they will not even try and get help? My DH's depression sucked all the happiness out of all of our days.

How is that fair on our 2yo and 5yo to eat in silence in case Daddy blows up? To spend weekends walking on eggshells in case of a row? To spend hours every evening listening to DH dissect every cough and spit of his working day and woe betide anyone who interrupted or wanted to share their day? To spend my evenings in silence or being criticised for everything? To be told he was happier before he met me and had kids? That sweaty uncomfortable feeling when other notice that he is just projecting hostility onto the world with them included?

I have seen both sides of the coin with Depression and believe me, living with a Depressed DH is completely shit and was driving me back down the same route. Yes I am sympathetic, but it's no bloody picnic having your workload doubled, putting on a false happy face for the kids, having your character assassinated on a daily basis and feeling lonely as hell despite sharing a bed.

The OP's DH should seek help. She is about to give birth and is looking after four kids and yet her needs don't seem to take priority over his right to shut himself away all day.

At least two of my friends hung up on me when I was Depressed. It felt cruel but it made me seek help and I am better now. Sometimes someone needs to break the spell.

OP - can he articulate what has got him feeling down?

Does he acknowledge that he is depressed?
What led him to leave his office job, and set up on his own as an independent worker?

You say he now works for himself, and has plenty of work in. Presumably that means money is not a worry? Is he in danger of losing clients due to his lack of productivity?

I think people under estimate what a radical change it is to go from working in an office to working from home. It is lovely not to have a boss breathing down your neck, not to have office politics to contend with, not to have endless/useless meetings, etc., but it is very isolating and can be lonely. You have to be a self-starter, or at least, learn to be one. Some people simply function better when they have set deadlines to motivate them, interaction with peers, accountability to superiors, etc.

OP - maybe he needs to work on getting some structure into his day (desk work in mornings, client meetings/phone calls in the afternoon, etc.) Or maybe he needs a work partner? Or to go back into an office setting?

Btw - how many dc have you got? Fwiw, with a new baby arriving imminently, it is not going to get quieter around the house (say this as your dh has been complaining of noise being a distraction). And for that matter, how does he imagine he will function working from home during half term, Easter Break, etc.?

Yes, I know it's shit from both sides. I don't need to be told about that either. DH was depressed for years during and after his dad's last illness. I can see that I am hurting my family hence the desire to walk out. I just think there is a glib refusal to accept that when you are depressed you are just as ill as if you had a bodily ailment and that just as illnesses don't always respond to treatment, neither does depression. Added to that the inability to think things through as clearly as you can when you are not depressed.

However apologies for the upsetting anyone.

Regarding your dh's depression, can you tell if he became depressed first, and thus has become miserable, unmotivated, etc., or if the big change in working conditions/circumstance has pushed him into the depression?

Trying to understand if it was a 'pre-existing' physical/mental condition, or if circumstances simply got on top of him and he isn't coping well. So - is depression causing the problems, or are circumstances causing the depression? Wondering if you 'treat' the depression, or change the circumstances (if possible) - or a bit of both?

I know how tough it can be OimiIrian, the GP was talking to me the other week about admission to hospital for my mental health problems, and my relationship has suffered to the point of us now living in separate houses and being on a break while I seek treatment and get better. There is a difference between being mentally ill and aware of it and not seeking any treatment and making any necessary changes, and in proactively working to get well again though. Any partner having to deal with someone aware they are ill but making no effort to do anything about that is going to find it difficult.

Strong words are needed if a depressive allows themselves to reach a stagnation point and it is negatively affecting the rest of the family, I don't mean she should be harsh, but she need to be honest and he needs to be aware that she has a breaking point herself and is feeling the strain of things.

just think there is a glib refusal to accept that when you are depressed you are just as ill as if you had a bodily ailment and that just as illnesses don't always respond to treatment, neither does depression

There is no glib refusal from me or, IMO, anyone else on this thread.

OrmIrian- I don't think anyone on here is not taking Depression seriously enough except maybe the OP's husband who doesn't seem to think there's a problem.

Just because not every case of Depression responds to the wide variety of well researched medical help available today, does not mean that people shouldn't even bother exploring solutions for their families' sake.

I have had Depression- I know how bad it feels believe me! No glibness here. In the depths of my Depression I wrote in my diary that I wished I could lose an arm rather than feel this bad.

"I wrote in my diary that I wished I could lose an arm rather than feel this bad"

Yes. Willingly.