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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone feel gulity working full time? as I think I need to consider this move

17 replies

candlesandwine · 10/02/2012 10:39

The reason youngest is off to school.

I will have time on my hands which I dread hate being at home,I have always worked part time since dc's were little and in term time only,but recently lost my job.

Problem is i'm struggling to find a decent part time job,using my set skills as I have been out of my field for a while doing jobs that just fitted in with my dc's.

So im thinking full time really as we are planning to buy a house and planning to get married.

Im interested to here your advice as I have to make a decision soon,and its all overwhelming,and I want the best for my dc's without feeling guilty but doing the best for us as a family.

OP posts:

BlessThisMouse · 10/02/2012 10:44

No, I do not feel guilty, not at all!

I feel sad, sometimes , that I can't just switch into school holiday mode for 6 weeks in the summer - envious, perhaps, of sahps. I feel stressed, soemtimes, organising the childcare and managing emergencies (a partner who is fully engaged in being part of the contingency is vital, IME - it can't always be a Mum's job to cover illness and holidays), I feel tired, and wish we could afford a cleaner.

But guilty? No.

The kids are well cared for and happy, I am contributing to our familliy's income and therefore strength and resilience, securing our future, and I have a job I love.

There are different ways to contribute to your family and children and working for needed income is one of them!

NorksAkimbo · 10/02/2012 10:47

I've done full time stay at home and full time work, loved both equally, and never felt guilty about going back to work; though I loved being with them, I found that I had been missing adult interaction and doing something a bit different with my mind. My kids never batted an eye about it really, they adjusted really quickly, they loved being with other kids their age. I found, too, that our time together had more quality to it, which was good.

Now I'm a full time student, so my hours are more flexible, but I am still full time (and DCs are in school, so there's no guilt anyway since they're out all day).

Go for it...you might all find that it's actually better for you all.

MarriedtotheMod · 10/02/2012 10:49

I don't feel guilty - I've been doing it for nearly a year after 5 years at home with children. It was exactly what I needed. I do sometimes feel a bit flustered and like I struggle to keep on top of things, but not guilty...

Snakeonaplane · 10/02/2012 10:49

I nave worked, ft, pt and been a sahm since I had my dc, never felt guilty working ft actually really enjoyed it and mu h easier in some ways than working pt. Dc do seem marginally happier with me at home as we can do playmates and I don't feel like I'm as stressed but that may be just me.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/02/2012 10:52

I dont feel guilty at all now DS is at school...to be honest, I love working f/t.......I sometimes feel a bit of guilt in the school holidays as I drop down to 3 days per week so still need day care for him but he understands that if he wants nice things etc etc then mum needs to work.

I went back to work when DS was 20 weeks old and had massive guilt issues for the start but now he's at school it's fine......horses for courses and all that but personally I couldn't stay at home all day, it would send me bonkers :)

Miomio · 10/02/2012 10:53

The reality is, guilty or not, that is what it will take to get back to work. I to was made redundant from my 3 day a week, but fairly senior job, 3 years ago. I have found it virtually impossible to find any remotely comparable jobs 3 days a week. I have pretty much given up looking and going to wait another 18 mts till youngest at school and look again.

With any luck, even if you start off full time there may be scope to negotiate different hours in the medium term if it's not for you and your family..

MsVestibule · 10/02/2012 10:55

As a SAHM, I'm not sure if you really want my advice, but that won't stop me! I still wonder whether I did the right thing giving up my full time job (bye bye career, too), in order that we could have the family life we wanted. The advantages are, no problems with school runs, holidays, sickness etc. No arguments over housework, either. My self esteem doesn't rely on working, and I enjoy being at home.

However, the flip side is less money than we would like, and I do miss the social side of working. Also, I do feel the need to justify why I'm a SAHM - but then, when I was a full time WOHM, I had exactly the same problem .

So, the upshot is, don't feel guilty. The right choice is what is right for you and your family. And FGS, sort out the division of labour within the home BEFORE you start, or you'll be back on here in 6 months with an "AIBU to feel resentful - I work FT, AND do all the housework/cover school hols/sickness"!!!

blackeyedsusan · 10/02/2012 10:57

some people are going to try and make you feel guilty whatever you choose. there is always someone with a different opinion.

OffMeTrolley · 10/02/2012 11:02

I'd never in a million years work full time with small kids
Its not fair on the kids and all you end up doing is running from one place to another, and never having time to do anything properly

Ahhhtetley · 10/02/2012 11:03

Sometimes I feel guilty, as though i'm not a great mother becuse I choose to work.. But I love my job, it makes me part of who I am and I'm simply not the kind of person to stay at home with my DCs. I really wish I could be that person but i'm not. I need to enforced routine a job gives me too. Whilst I was on Mat leave I can't do it myself :)

I sometimes get flustered with the lack of time I get, work, school run, cooking tea etc etc but I do try and have an hour of solid quality time with my kids when I get home which I know they love.

I also make a point of spending as much time with my DCs when I am home. I'm not the kind of person that gets babysitters or leaves my kids with my parents as i prefer to spend the time with them myself - but that's just me, I'm not judging people who do this.

I think happy parents, working or staying at home, equal happy kids.. No point being miserable, hating being at home as your kids will pick up on this...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/02/2012 11:07

I've never felt guilty for working. As a single parent, if I didn't work FT we'd have to trade in the semi for a tent and live on benefits. Really can't see how that would have given DS a better start in life. So I might have missed his first crawl or not have been able to organise many playdates. I may have been late for the odd concert and our efforts for 'come to school dressed as a xyz day' may not be as stellar as the mums with too much more time on their hands. But we have a great relationship and I feel I made the right choice.

AThingInYourLife · 10/02/2012 11:16

I work full time at the moment, my kids are 3 and 2.

I don't feel remotely guilty.

I make sure they have good quality, suitable childcare and toddle off to work.

Life can be very busy with 2 FT working parents, but I'd choose that over being at home when you don't want to be, or selling yourself short on the jobs market.

upahill · 10/02/2012 11:17

I never felt guilty about going back to work full time.
I looked at the whole picture, about my pension, about getting a job at the same salary after having a break, what would happen if DH left me or died.

My job meant I got lots of time off and I was often working when they were in bed. Sure I was tired sometimes and so was Dh but the important thing was to work as a team. We both did things to make life easy for the other one which meant no one was overburdened with chores and most of the time was spent with the children.

I earn a good wage so we have been able to have a great time with the boys, have done a lot of travelling with them, let them have hobbies we perhaps wouldn't have been able to afford it there was only one wagebut most importantly I was the main wage earner unintentionly a while back.

A few years ago DH's firm collapsed and for a while there was only my wage coming in. If we hadn't had that wage we would have lost our house.

Personly I think it is vital that everyone has a means of supporting themselves wherever possible. I acknowledge there are exceptions through disability or having a child/ children with SEN that need a parent/ guardian for support.

jellybeans · 10/02/2012 11:18

I did when I was full time but that was partly due to the fact that DD hated full time nursery and I had a long difficult commute with toddler in tow for half of it. I was exhausted when I got home. Part time was good (2 x 12 hour days) and I also love SAH. I don't think I would do full time again at least until DC are much older.

Original poster

candlesandwine · 10/02/2012 11:36

Thank you for all your replies,im very grateful will report back in more detail later as not had a chance to read just did not want you to think I had not responded.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/02/2012 11:42

BTW.... if this was 'DadsNet' and you asked that same question to a group of fathers I think you'd get a resounding or ??? in response. Working to provide for your family is a noble pursuit, not one to feel guilty about.

Denj33 · 10/02/2012 11:46

I've worked full time since my DCs were 12 weeks old, they are now 14,13&8

I dont feel guilty, I like my job and tbh we need the money

I do feel tired, and spend a lot of time running here and there but it's not enough to make me give up work, I'm sure I would be just as tired if I was a SAHM.
The reality is, if you need to work, then full time is prob the best option, and my DCs don't seem to be emotionally scarred by it :)

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