I know IBU and ask for your help...

[adviceneededhelpmefight]

I would love some advice from those who have tried to take thier own lives...

3 and a half years ago i attempted suiced not something im proud of, it was not a cry for help, it wa really what i wanted, i was found they got me breathing again and no damage was done, i tried 2 times, the second time i stopped it myself, and paniked as i thought i was too late, from that moment i knew i wanted to live.

Since that point I have married and love my husband, i have had an easy job since then, and worked together with my husband so if i ever needed a day of work i could ( we were the bosses) so i decided my own hours. Although i did have a lot of responisbility in the job iynwim. but not too much stress.

however in August we ran out of money (we were government funded)

so since then ive been at home, sahm for our foster kid, 15yrs he came in november

my husband has started work again, and im hoping to start an education in march... i started one in september but after 3 months dropped out (to much stress)

since when i tried suicide ive had a tendanccy to give up before things are too hard...

before suicide i could manage 10 times more than i can now, im petrafied to start school aqain, im afraid to fail... I hate it its controlling me.

Its making me so low, the last month its even been hard for me to do the washing/dishes ect... i just sit on the couch all day. it doesnt help that i moved to another city 2 years ago so i know almost know one, i would say i havent really made friends properly, i worked with troubled youth so couldnt make friends through work.

so i feel so alone. Ive gained 2 and a half stone in the last year and a half and i hate myself when i look in the mirror, ive went from being a 10 to a 14 but for me its a big deal. I have no self confidence, socialy or physically.

I used to be a very outgoing, kinda girl, I used to love social events, would love to be busy all the time, have fun do 10 things a day, but now i feel like im drowning.

i have no will power left.

all i wanna do is end it all arrggghhh, but i dont think i will.

i love my husband to much, and would never want to hurt him, its selfish and stupid, but at the same time i feel although im ruining his life im a burden and pull him dow (not him saying that) but in reality i know im not a great help.

i could write so much more, but its not a book, my question have any of you lovely mumsnetters be where i am after suicide and refound the old strength you have? sprung back? i just wanna be the old me... or nothing!

please let me here your advice or positive stories, thanks for reading xxx

so sorry you are feeling like this. Have not been in your position so cant comment. Think its really important for you to speak to someone though asap. Can you call dr and get an appointment?

A few years ago I had a very traumatic experience and tried to kill myself. My doctor sent me for counselling and I really think it saved my life.
However, like you, I've since had a couple of relapses where if it hadn't been for my DP I know I would have tried again.
I've really bounced back though so it is possible with the right treatment.
Depression is different in everybody; it varies in intensity, length, and occurrence. Some people can have it for a couple of months and never have it again, others can be crippled by it for years.
It sounds to me like you would benefit from counselling and a chat with your GP at the very least.
Moving to a new area is a very isolating experience and can completely change your personality. Have you tried joining any social groups? Does your local area have a mumsnet meet up?
I'm in Cardiff, if you are anywhere near me I'd be more than happy to meet up for a coffee and a chat.
Have a chat with your GP about treatment is the first step you need to take to getting back to your old self. With the right help it can happen.

Yes I have tried seriously to commit suicide and yes I have sprung back. Like you it wasn't a cry for help, I mean't it.

A number of things spring to mind.

1. Just because you have tried to kill yourself does not mean that has to "define" your life. It is only one aspect of your life so far.It does not mean that you are a different person or that you are more likely to fail at things you start.

1. Social things really do help and it sounds as if this is really lacking for you at the moment. I know how hard it can be to summon up the energy to meet new people so ask your DP for help with this. So maybe meeting people together after work for example or going out as a family. Sitting in watching tv, although it feels safe, is not helpful.

1. Try and plan something you will do every day and preferably try and make it something you have to do e.g. go out for food for tea because there is nothing in the house. Don't beat yourself up if you don't achieve it, but it is good to get out of the house every day.

1. Try and plan some exercise. I know you won't feel like doing it, but it will make you feel better. Best to plan to do somethingw ith your DP and foster son so DP "makes" you go e.g. walk every Sunday, swimming, etc.

1. Something my psychiatrist suggested that really helped was - Make a list of 10 things that you can do that make you feel a bit better. For example, have a hot bath, go to bed, watch a film, etc. And then when things feel raelly bad start at the top and do the 1st thing and work your way down. It gives you a plan of action when things feel tough and does make you feel a bit better.

What made a real difference for me was realising that I was one of those kind of people who tend to struggle on through difficult times and never ask for help. Everyone was totally shocked when I tried to kill myself as I always seemed the person who could cope. But in the end everything got too much.

I realised afterwards that that was a stupid attitude. I still find it hard, but now try and ask for help when I feel down or am struggling. I still get depressed at times, as just about everyone does, but most of the time I am fine.

If you want to write more then do, people here will read it. Or you can send it all in an email to the Samaritans.

You need more support to be able to cope with the way you feel, it sounds like you are trying to cope with very overwhelming emotions on your own and i think that is too much to expect of anyone. Take yourself to the GP and ask for help. You do deserve it.

It's good that you have been able to come here to talk about how you are feeling at the moment. MN can be a good source of support (and is available 24/7)
Have you had any counselling? I noticed that you mentioned fear of failing things and giving up before (you think) you will fail. Perhaps some sort of counselling that will explore your past to see where this belief comes from?
Perhaps if you understood the reasons for feeling like this it would enable you change how you think about this fear.
Remember, there will always be someone here to chat to whenever you need to.
Take care.

I have no experience of this but the very fact that you took the time to write this post shows a positive action towards CONTINUING to help yourself - this in its self demonstrates that you do have the ability to move forward. I think when we are faced with problems, no matter what they be, we are often overwhelmed by how big we think it is - have to break it down into manageable chunks - some good advice given above already! Give your self a pat on the back for this step taken :)

Wishing you all the best

Jill x

Are you getting any kind of counselling? It sounds as though you still have a lot of really difficult feelings from the time you attempted suicide, that you might find it helpful to take out and look at, gently and in your own time, with someone supportive.

If money is an issue there is often low-cost counselling available via charities or therapist training centres - the latter can be a great way of getting long-term counselling without the heavy cost.

Also second what another poster said - if you can bring yourself to do a bit of exercise - even if it's very gentle and 2-3 times a week - you may find that the extra endorphins and feeling of your body getting stronger may help counter your lack of body confidence, and feelings of weakness and being 'controlled' by your past experience.

Keep posting here too. MNers can be wonderfully supportive