being so reasonable

[EXmrsmascarahead]

bit of background. DH was beaten up 3 weeks ago, he suffered a broken ear cartilage, black eyes, soft tissue injury to shoulder. Yesterday his GP diagnosed PTSD, refered him for counselling and physio and has prescribed 2mg diazepam to be taken when he feels he needs it.

I'm knackered, I am getting very little sleep, he is having nightmares every night and I am having to calm him down. He has suggested he sleeps on the sofa but I am reluctant to let him do this, as sharing a bed, I feel, is the only connection we have at the moment. He no longer gives me a hug when he comes home from work, sits on the sofa with me in fact it feels as though he goes out of his way to make sure he interacts with me as little as possible, only wanting me to comfort him when the memories become to much.

He has nothing positive to say about anything or anyone, even the GPs appointmnt yesterday he felt was a waste of time, even though the GP has done everything he is meant to do, (I have to admit I did tell DH off when he complained about being stigmatised for taking the pills.)

There are other things but this would become an essay. Basically, the man that comes home at night is not my husband and not my DCs father, he looks like him and sounds like him but what made him the man he was has disappeared and I miss him, I want him back. I know this is something he has to work through but he isn't, he's hiding from it and its effecting everyone. (GPs appointment was at my insistance)

I don't want to be reasonable anymore, I want to tell him what is happening to all of us, I want him to understand that no one is going to wave a magic wand and make it all better, that he has to work at changing how he thinks and feels.

Sorry for the length of this but I needed somewhere to post what I am feeling before I crack and say something to him that would cause more damage.

I really don't know what to suggest to help, but I hope things get better for all of you very soon.

You sound as worn out and stressed as he is, the attack sounds like a horrible thing to have happened for both of you.

Could you get someone to have the children overnight so you can spend some time together? To just relax and talk. I know even if you go to give him a hug and he doesn't respond it can feel awful.

And perhaps go to the GP yourself. He might be able to get a counselling appointment for you too. Or could you try your local children's centre? Ours have counselling students volunteering for them from the local college as part of their degree and I think the appointments are free.

I'm truly so sorry to hear about what happened to your husband. Unfortunately, this will take a lot of time for him, you and your family to deal with. I suffered from two bouts of PTSD following being car-jacked and a separate violent mugging incident. Not fun. And it really does impact you in ways you wouldn't expect - and for longer than you'd expect.

It's not unreasonable for him to be struggling after just three weeks following being beaten up. I also don't think it's unreasonable for him to be drawing away from you - this is a standard symptom of PTSD. I don't think there's any down-side for you talking to him about it though and facilitating his treatment (as you've supportively been doing so far) but don't pile unecessary pressure on him at the moment. I think the counselling will help. I went to Victim Support counselling and contrary to my expectations, found it to be amazingly helpful.

I'm sorry to say that there is no quick fix to this. I still get occasional flash-backs and avoid certain streets/situations 7 and 9 years on. I don't anticipate this changing but I learn to live with it. Both incidents occurred before I met my husband and he 'humours' some of my funny ways about this issue. I know this is rubbish and I don't mean to sound harsh but this happened to your DH only 3 weeks ago. Your husband needs your unstinting support - not to be pressurised into returning to 'normal' asap to stop you feeling knackered and so you may feel connected to him.

Perhaps you could do a little reading around the subject too so you know what to anticipate and can recognise any other issues as they arise.

I truly hope your DH starts to feel more like his old self very soon but, realistically, I think you have to be aware that you'll both be feeling the repercussions of this incident for quite a while to come. It took over 6 months for the most pernicious of my symptoms to subside.

Sending lots of supportive good wishes to you and your family...