my mother is the "Other Woman", aibu to want to scream and rant at her?

[HappyJoyful]

So you read this stuff in magazines then your own Mum goes and hooks up with her 'first love' at the age of 67 (thank you friends reunited) so he leaves his wife, she leaves her husband (my dad, they were actually quite miserable) BUT, he wasn't apparently - his wife loved him, his wife is ill, so now his kids have disowned him and wont let him see his grandchildren. They keep trying to make it "work" he visits his wife and spends time with her, then he stays with my Mum and ultimately controls her (he thinks if he gave up his family and friends then she can't see hers when he is with her so it's pretty intense and unbearable) they jet off on extended holidays (often to a flat he owned with his wife) to be a "couple".. and not have to face reality. It's long and hard to sum up quickly BUT, what I am loathing is that I just feel soooo upset and hurt my what my mother is doing to his family...

I sympathise.

My mum had an affair at 63, my dad found out as did the mans wife. This bloke dumped my mum but my dad then divorced my mum. Was awful.

I don't condone what my mum did at all, she shouldn't have had the affair. However I do feel sorry for her when she talks about how unhappy she was for 30 years with my dad.

But sometimes I do want to slap her as she still can't see what she did was wrong. She feels justified as she was so unhappy.

It's difficult as if you tell your mum how you feel then she's probably going to feel that you should mind your own business. You could talk to her about being worried about this man trying to control her though.

Your mother is not doing anything to his family. HE is doing it.

She's your mother, try and look after her.

YANBU all they seem to have done is cause misery all round and it dosent sound like they are that happy together but both dont want to lose face by admitting what a total cock up they have got themselves into all you can do is be there for her when it all falls apart

I think some people's cure for misery is often misguided. YANBU for worrying or being angry, but your mum sounds like she's self medicating her misery, but doing it in a way that's not ultimately going to bring her much happiness if he's that controlling.

Don't give him what he wants (her with no family) try and love your mum regardless, and even support her if she needs you. Sounds like it will fall flat on its arse at some point so I guess be prepared to forgive. If she's been a good, loving mum to you she deserves that much. Hard though it may be.

YANBU though.

Other peoples relationships are others peoples business.

Trois it would be a sad and strange world if no one took any notice of what was happening in other people's lives. And of course this affects a lot of other people, whether they choose it to or not.

wow, thank you! .. great to feel my mother not the only woman that done this. and yes, I certainly wont let him get what he wants - her without no family - I think if he feels they both 'give up' their family then they can be properly together..totally think they have some 'misguided' sense of re kindling their teenage years..
And yes, on a poignant note it does make me sad to think she was that unhappy with my dad for so many years (though sometimes is that tinged with this new rose tinted glasses?) I don't know the answer to that, but yes, it something that I guess I knew for many years..
his controlling freakness is all whole topic in itself and possibly part of why I just detest the whole situation and she could just 'let go' and let him go back to his wife (she appears to have never faltered in wanting him back)
Any other support and tips ??

Womens Aid. God willing, the spell is going to break at some stage and the fallout will be awful (for her... the fallout is already awful for everyone else ). She'll need Womens Aid then, as this man is a controller and their relationship seems strongly addictive (one of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship). Maybe you could give WA a call/look at their site to get some tips to cope? There's not much you can do about it at present though, you just have to stand back as this car crash plays out. What a very upsetting situation for you and your family ((hug)). Get busy with your own stuff and prepare to be there when she finally comes to her senses.

He is the "villain" here not your mother - he made the promise to his family, not your mother. Really winds me up how men are seen to be powerless to a woman's charms - what a load of bollocks! Men make a commitment and break that commitment, ain't no one else's fault - i assigning blame will help, but the person who breaks the promise.

She's your Mum - that's your relationship with her - honour that one first - her relationships are her business.

he is doing this to his own family. he has to take responsibility for his actions and decisions. not sure why she has got the blame for his side

It is not your business

That attitude really pisses me off. Of course it isn't ultimately your business OP, but it's ridiculous to say that when your entire family has been ripped apart at the seams, as well as this horrible man's family too. What a nightmare! To say it's none of your business is absurd.

"ain't no one else's fault - i assigning blame will help, but the person who breaks the promise."

Sorry touch pad mouse

I meant to say
"ain't no one else's fault but the person who breaks the promise, you assigning blame will not help"