To feel unsupported by friends and family?

[imisssleepandwine]

My DH, DD and I have recently moved back home (my old home) after being away for 5 years. We came back for many reasons but one of the most compelling was to be close to family and friends. We wanted DD to know her family etc. But it's really hard to fit back. I feel like i am out of the loop with my old friends and my brother & his wife don't want to know. I have no idea why, we didn't have a falling out? We used to be really close but every time i invite them out or try to arrange anything they are too busy. My long time best friend comes over about once a week for a bite to eat and to chat about her problems, I've asked her to babysit 3 times now and each time she's said no. It's only for 2 hours in the evening while DD is in bed and DH is working. I need to do something for my study. She sits in her own house most nights 10 min away watching tv and doesn't work so it's hardly putting her out. I feel really upset that she doesn't want to help me out.

I don't get invited out anymore and when I try to arrange something it's always a "yeah we'll see attitude".

I went away single with lots of mates and came back married with a DD an i feel like i have no real friends here anymore. Am I being punished for going? My DH is really lonely as he's not from here and misses his friends and family a lot. This isolation is not helping and i'm worried about DD as she has very little contact with other babies (play group once a week) I'm starting to think it was a bad move coming home?

you've moved back and you want everyone to suddenly make you part of their lives. Well, they have lives already and it takes time, asking people repeatedly to babysit for you when they have said no is probably not the best way to go about it.

They will have established busy lives and you cant really expect them to drop everything as you have decided to move area.

As for babysitting, your friend obviously doesnt want to be used in this way so look for paid childcare.

But i was part of their lives for 30 years or more, I kept in touch, sent birthday cards and christmas presents. When i was here i gave them lifts, looked after my brothers kids lots of times. I was a good friend and sister. I've been back 7 months so it's not sudden, i knew it would take time but never thought it would be this hard.

I know my best friend has no obligation to babysit for me but I thought that she'd want to help me out. I won't ask again but it does make me feel bad.

I think when you leave somewhere people's lives move on and they fill the gaps that you left with children and work and new friends but to you it is frozen in time a little.

Maybe start with the odd coffee and catch up so you can reconnect and explore any common ground /interest that you still have with friends and relatives.

I would not keep asking for babysitting - if it were me I would not be happy to be asked. Maybe see if you can hire a babysitter and go out with your friend and spend quality time . Show her you value her time and want to rebuild your friendship.

It may take a bit of work on your part - same as making and meeting brand new friends - to work your way in as you will not be the same people that you all were 5 years ago....

good luck

I know people have busy lives and I'm not trying to use my friend we've been mates for so long and before we came home she said she would babysit after DD if we needed. I can't afford a babysitter at the moment as I'm studying. my problem i know.

I don't expect them to drop everything but a coffee or a phone call or a trip to the park with the kids would be nice?

as for your brother - can you not have a more candid discussion with him as you can generally do so with close relatives

In was part of someones life for 20 years then I moved, if I went back I know they could no longer be my best friend or be there for me, as their life has now moved on to marriage and a career.

Sorry but you were unreasonable to expect it to be the same, it won't ever be. You should have stayed where you was and made new friends.

Your old friends have moved on and filled the place you filled with other things or other people.

I feel the most for your partner to be honest, because he has no one.

so do you invite friends and relatives for coffees etc (obviously you do with your long time friend) and they always decline?

I think you need to begin a new life in your old home, because it is one, its not and never will be your old life.

I'm thinking if I moved back to Devon, there would be that comfortable feeling of being nearer home but I'd still only see my old (good, but in the past mostly) friends as much as when I lived up here, my family wouldn't instantly be popping by for tea either. It would simply be more convenient. That doesn't mean it should be more often.

YANBU to feel like you do but I think you and your DH need to reach out and make your own stamp on your familiar territory, this will involve new people.

As your dd gets older (how old is she?) you'll have opportunity to forge new friendships for her and yourselves... okay, we don't all like the schoolgate, nor do we all join the various toddler group commities etc., but they are a good way to find out who's who and what's what.... another part of your old world that will be new to you, you won't have experienced much of your old world because you didn't require the parts you do now.

Don't lose heart. It takes time to fit in anywhere when new, and you ARE new even if its in old familiar ville.

Good luck. x

You see her once a week, well i think thats a lot really for just one friend, i aim to see my close mates once a month, i couldnt fit more in with college, family and children. Other mates are really only special occasions, we keep in touch through facebook and the like but people are busy with their own lives and families etc.

The babysitting thing, everyone says they will love to look after the baby....before its born, they dont mean it, its just something you say,

"can't wait for you to have little hobbit, you wont keep me away, I'll help you out whenever I can" - all just something you say tbh. And yes you looked after your brothers kids, my Dsis looked after mine when i needed her too. Now she has her own, i still have mine and no time to be a devoted auntie. I see her, and my nephew and i love them both to bits, but I am busy with my own life.

You sound a bit entitled tbh, if you want to socialise your baby (and really there is no need, a baby/toddler wont give a toss) then get out and about, join groups and socialise, you cant blame family and friends for not being there for you when you have been away for so long and they have gotten used to life without you :)

maddening - my brother won't even answer the phone most of the time. i speak to him via his wife these days. They are always busy I even try to "book them in" weeks in advance but they never want to commit to anything and the few times they have it's been canceled. they live 20 minutes away and i've seen them twice in 7 months.

Fabbychic - I feel terrible for my DH I feel like it's my fault that we are here. I never had problems making new friends before but dd is 18months so i'm busy with her, DH works in the evenings so it's hard to get out and about to meet more people.

The thing is before we came back i talked to my friends and family. everyone seemed so happy with our decision.

thanks aldiwhore

I just feel like i've lost them all, a bit rejected and lonely

Your post could have been written by me! Except we are now 7yrs down the line and not much has changed tbh. I know it's heartbreaking to think you made that move into a more supportive and caring circle of people only to find you may have been better off staying put. I've learnt that DM & DD are just not the type of people to look after their grandchildren under any circumstances and they never will be. That's fine, as long as I know where I stand. My best friend had well and truly moved on and although we are still great mates, I was clearly harbouring delusions about 'the good old days' which simply hadn't existed for years.

I used to feel really hard done by and massively regret the move, but now I feel have the best of both worlds. I have some brilliant new friends who I'm in the same boat with re kids etc. We help each other out with babysitting etc. Also I have my family and friends right near by for all the social things they do enjoy being part of. You may have to put a bit of work in establishing new relationships I think, and enjoy the old ones too!

I feel bad for you :( can't think of any advice apart from keep at it. Have you asked your brother why he never wants to see you?

I am a live in nanny and when I go home to my mums to stay etc I find it odd as everyones lives have moved on - as has mine. It feels like everything should be as it was last time you were there but it isn't.

TBH I agree with everyone you need to move on, make new friends or re-establish friendships but do not expect favours etc.

I don't feel entitled, but when i told friends that i'd help with the kids, drive them to appointments, pick them up from the airport, cook them meals when they where ill ect i did it. i did it because that's what you do. What happened to "it takes a village to raise a child" or "friends and family stick together"

do we really all just live these isolated lives, communicating via facebook and never really connecting properly?

I know lives move on, people change etc so maybe i am expecting too much.

My brother just says he's busy.

thanks for all your replies...

But it's what you do if a) you want to b) you can spare time to do it c) if you don't feel obliged.

I will willingly offer if I have the time / want to but if I feel obliged to then I can be quite obstinate and just not do it!! :D

People's lives can change a lot in 5 years, I know mine has.

Talk to your brother though, maybe he just has a busier life now with more responsibility then when you left. That's easily done in 5 years.

With a child you have the ideal opportunity to meet people. I moved when DCs were 2 and 1 to an area where I knew no-one, was pretty miserable for the first two months, as we arrived at the start of the summer holiday when all the playgroups had stopped, but once they kicked back in again, I was quickly able to meet new friends. Try to concentrate on opportunities to meet new people, people who are probably at the same stage in life as you with the same restrictions and commitments. You're more likely to find a baby-sitting circle here. You'll also have the comfort of family being close by, even if they don't drop everything to spend time with you.

I think you are over analysing - you are having a great deal of contact with your friend.

Generally people just don't go out so much when they get older.

I think you are possibly feeling homesick for your 'imagined' homecoming. Its a bit like that dream of a wedding or of what we thought having children would be like.

You probably need to let go of that and see how things develop. You are probably not seeing the good as you are focused on how people are letting you and your homecoming dream down.

Moving is really hard, it must be super tricky moving 'back.'

I would also stop asking your friend to babysit, she obviously doesn't want to so you're just going to make her feel uncomfortable.

I expect your brother is just busy. Twice is seven months is pretty ood going, most adult siblings see each other a geat deal less than that. I know how it feels to have too many comitments and workload to fit in everyone I would like to see, and nagging is not going to make it any easier. Trying to "book" someone in advance isn't going to help either, if he has a lot going on in his life, and it sounds like he has, he just isn't going to know that far in advance when he will be free, is he.

Yes settle down and make new friends. I'm sure there are plenty of parent and child activities you can join, and you will meet people with children the same age. Join a babysitting circle, or set one up! Do you go to church? Don't nag childless friends for babysitting, that will just push them away.

good luck, I'm sure things will improve, give it time.

I can understand what you are feeling to a fair extent DH and I met in a city away from both our families and after 5 years we were ready for a move. Having moved back to the city of my birth, I realised that we'd made a huge mistake because the froideur of the weather was bettered only by that of the locals. Like you, I think I imagined that I'd be able to rebuild my relationships with family and friends, but I found they'd (understandably in retrospect) moved on without me. After 18 months we moved to the other end of the country, close to DH's family. This was better, because although his siblings and old friends were similarly busy and preoccupied, the place was just more fun to live in and there were many more compensations. We eventually moved to a halfway point equidistant from both families, mainly driven by house-prices. This all happened pre-DC, and I'm very glad because I know that moving is much tougher and more disruptive once children are involved. Good luck with this new stage, I'm sure things will get easier.