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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not know what do when my DD is rude only in front of others

17 replies

sycamoretre · 09/02/2012 15:56

My DD4 is beautifully behaved when we are at home without anyone else present.

Lately she has been behaving very badly in front of other people. It is increasing and getting worse. I feel awful when she does this in front of teachers, family, friends.

I don't know how to handle this or why she might be doing it - specifically in front of other people??

By bad behaviour I mean shouting at me, saying NO to everything, being completely contrary to everything (ie: isn't that lovely? NO IT ISN'T!, shall we read a book? NO I DON'T LIKE READING BOOKS!!)

Not listening, running out into road, basically things that she NEVER normally does and KNOWS not to do!!

At the moment I know what I'm doing is not at all effective. I have been telling her off and being rather stern, exactly as I would be if no one else was around.

I initially thought she was playing up because she thought she could get away with it and I wouldn't tell her off in front of other people.

So the stern telling-offs are not working, can anyone help with what tack I try now? Really need some help on this.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 09/02/2012 16:00

She is showing off, and attention seeking. Tell her off first, and if that doesnt work, remove her from the situation, and give family and friends permission to tell her off too.

My granddaughter does it, and when she is also told by us to "stop being so rude to your mum, that is not nice behaviour" it does tend to stop her in her tracks a bit when she realises that we dont think she is a big and clever as she would like us to think...

I am talking about a 5 (almost 6yo).

BlessThisMouse · 09/02/2012 16:02

I would give the calm, low voice, 'I only talking to people who talk to me nicely, talk to me again when you are talking niccely and I'll be able to continue the conversation' treatment and then completely ignore her until she does talk nicely. It may well be embarrassing the first couple of times, and she ramps up the pestering and showing off, but stick to it like glue and she will cotton on quickly.

4 year olds think they are the bees knees, and have little control over their precocious exuberance.

lunaticow · 09/02/2012 16:04

How old is she? If she is pre-school I think this is perfectly normal behaviour and I would be tempted to ignore it so that she gets no reaction.
If she is older then I would impose sanctions such as not letting her get a cake or play with her DS.(for example).

Original poster

sycamoretre · 09/02/2012 16:08

Thanks squeakytoy. She has been told off by family when doing this, SIL and FIL have chipped in. But she doesn't seem to take any notice.

I agree it's a way of showing off. How can I show her she doesn't need to show off to get my attention? I am FT SAHM and feel she gets loads of time and attention from me as it is.

The last couple of times I have really snapped and shouted at her once we're home, sent her to bed and said she is a very rude little girl. Know that's awful but I have completely lost my temper with her. I feel so embarrassed when she does it.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 09/02/2012 16:11

Dont feel embarassed... they all do it!! No doubt you did it too, and I know I did... and can still remember the bollockings I got for it as well...

I think it best to tell them off at the time rather than after the event though, as at least you dont then leave others with the impression that you have a child who gets away with her behaviour because her mother ignores it..

I would say it is a phase though, and she will grow out of it.

Original poster

sycamoretre · 09/02/2012 16:11

Blessthismouse, I like that approach. Thanks will try it next time. I suppose what I do now by telling off is draw even more attention to her.

Lunaticow, yes pre school age. I haven't tried completely ignoring it either. In fact I've never been very good at just ignoring though I probably should at this age.

OP posts:

Loie159 · 09/02/2012 16:13

both my DS and DD have gone through phases of doing this. If they shout as me or DH, shout NO, show off and are cheeky, then we tell them off - "please do not speak to mummy like that / Is that a polite way to talk" that kind of thing and they I totally ignore them until they behave nicely. We do the same for when they wont brush their teeth etc etc. I if they have a right old fit and behave worse because there is an audience, I do exactly what I would do if those people werent there. So if we are out at the farm / at a friends house and they are rude and keep doing it, I put them on the naughty step. I know some people find it embarressing to be firm and carry out things like this in front of others, but personally I would rather do that than people thing my children are ill mannered. I know some people say ignore completly but my personal preference is that you have to nip it in the bud, or it really can escalate.

TakeYourScaffoldingWithYou · 09/02/2012 16:17

DD2 is certainly the Queen on this one and I can't wait to hand that crown on.

No solution, I'm the embarrassed looking mum wondering why after a perfectly lovely time together she behaves this way in public. It is exhausting and no she has n't fallen over, I'm standing at a safe distance ignoring her bad behavior.

Original poster

sycamoretre · 09/02/2012 16:17

I have been telling her off very sternly in front of others, and even doing the naughty step. In fact I think my in laws are beginning to think I'm a witch of a mother! (they don't do discipline).

The last couple of times though I have told her off again at home too.

Telling her off in front of others doesn't have any effect, in fact she gets worse :(

OP posts:

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 09/02/2012 16:18

My eldest was like this when he went into reception, basically we would take him quietly aside, give one warning. If he continued to be badly behaved we either excluded him or all went away. It only took a couple of times. I think he was just checking our reach, getting used to being away from us and at 'big school'.

He is now 8 and still occasionally does it, but now only in the presence of grandparents. We do exactly the same routine, it stops it for about 3 months at a time.

I have noticed when other children come to our house they are often much less well behaved than in their own homes. I think its just normal testing and attention-seeking so don't feel embarrassed.

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 09/02/2012 16:20

I should add I know my eldest is sometimes also either more or less polite at other homes than in ours, we bollock him for any impoliteness but I think he gets a bit 'oooh' at other people's houses and either goes very 'yes mrs patterson' or forgets his manners totally!

Original poster

sycamoretre · 09/02/2012 16:20

Scaffolding, I hear you! I feel just like that too.

OP posts:

BlessThisMouse · 09/02/2012 16:20

I find 'controlled ignoring' (as opposed to 'controlled crying') a helpful tactic.
"My ears are only hearing things said in a happy voice today - talk to me again in a happy voice and I will reply" - for whinging, for example, and then reply, with full enthusiasm, when the whinging stops.

Original poster

sycamoretre · 09/02/2012 16:21

Sparechair, it's the worst in front of grandparents in this house too. I guess they know they can do no wrong in front of the grandparents.

OP posts:

BlessThisMouse · 09/02/2012 16:21

And yes, it's a phase.

Better for all if you can divert it from being a spectator event!

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 09/02/2012 16:28

I also think they know the grandparents are our parents so potential for witnessing a power struggle! In this house we both have strained relations with our own parents (mine are twats to be blunt) and I think the eldest knows he can wind stuff up. My mum disagrees with any form of eating standards (kitkat just before tea anyone? grrrrrr) and this causes much amusement for DS1, he asks for things he knows we wouldn't say yes to. But I digress, and am feeling a bit ranty so I shall stop now...

I also second 'controlled ignoring'!

tigerlillyd02 · 10/02/2012 03:01

It sounds like attention seeking to me. I've had the same problems with DS who is only 2.3 but I figure he'll keep trying it on. The way I got around it though was to treat him exactly the same way I do at home and I'd ignore such behaviour - unless of course dangerous.

I like BlessThisMouse's suggestion and will keep this one in mind for when needed in future.

By the way - DS started off by being incredibly difficult in front of grandparents as they gave in to him all the time and he picked up on our conflicting views. I think he then assumed everyone else but me would be the same and saw going out as an opporunity to be incredibly difficult. I eventually got my mum on the same wavelength as me though as it was really stressing me out and he's calmed down a lot since then also.

He goes down the 'charmer' route now and asks everyone for cuddles. I can just about handle that one. I'll talk about stranger danger when he's a little older :)

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