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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think she may not be the best choice for Godmother?

25 replies

Bobyan · 08/02/2012 09:23

A couple of months ago I asked a friend of 10 years to be Godmother to my dd. Since then my dd has been having some potentially serious medical problems, resulting in her being under the care of a specialist hospital with a view to having surgery. I told my friend this a few weeks ago. Bearing in mind that she hasn't actually mentioned it since, am I right in thinking that she probably isn't the right person to be dd's Godmother? and if I am right, shall I quietly drop the subject and hope she never mentions it again, or tell her outright?
I am prepared to be told I'm being too highly strung, but her lack of interest has actually really upset me...

OP posts:

lesley33 · 08/02/2012 09:26

She should have been asking how your DD is - hope she is okay by the way. But do you know what si happening in friends life and whether there is a major issue for her happening?

ecclesvet · 08/02/2012 09:27

Perhaps she thought she wouldn't mention it unless you brought it up?

aldiwhore · 08/02/2012 09:29

Do they have a close relationship? If so her behaviour is odd. If your friend and your child haven't bonded particularly it may not occur to her how worried about your dd you are?

My eldest's Godparents aren't really involved in his life, one lives at the other side of the world but is always asking after both boys (we only got the eldest christened, to appease the elderly rellies who are now not of this earth) whereas the other set, we're very close to, but often only see them as couples without the children, though they send gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

A GP has no legal standing, and for us, the set up doesn't matter. We know they care for us all even if not involved.

It sounds like you want a Godparent who is almost an Aunty, a close friend not to you but your child too, in which case, your friend may well be the wrong person to ask. That doesn't make her a bad person and YANBU.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 08/02/2012 09:34

I wouldn't dismiss her because of this, she may have been waiting for you to talk to her and assu med that if you didn't bring it up, you didn't want to talk about it.

I think you need to think carefully about what you expect from a Godmother, as it's not one of those things that is set in stone and people can have very different expectations of what the role entails. That doesn't mean they don't want to do a good job, just that people don't always have the same ideas about a Godmothers role and it can easily lead to disappointment on both sides.

I have seen this happen many times where no one has been at fault, but friends have fallen out because of differing expectations. I think that when you are in such a difficult situation with your dd, it would be very easy for this to happen to you and yor friend. You need to make it clear to her what you want from a Godmother and allow her to decide if she feels she wants to take the role on.

I wish your dd all the best and hope you are all ok.

PurplePidjin · 08/02/2012 09:34

Does the friend have children of her own? I can only give a childless point of view, but when speaking to friends who are pregnant or have kids, I would normally ask "How are things?" and expect to be updated on any medical issues, milestones reached, naps dropped, routine changes... Minutiae that are important to the friend but not me. I assume my friends will tell me the important stuff like I tell them about jobs lost and gained, boyfriend or lack of, again - minutiae that's only important to me.

What I mean is does your friend know how serious your concerns are? If your child has been in hospital than there's no excuse, obviously. But I don't think most of my parent friends would tell me about endless GP appointments. Is there a possibility that, like I would in a potentially similar situation, she just doesn't understand how serious it is?

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 08/02/2012 09:42

Depends what you imagine a Godmother to be. These days, it can mean anything you want it to mean... so regardless of who you choose I'd have a discussion on how they view the role then decide!

Original poster

Bobyan · 08/02/2012 09:43

You have all made some good points - I am trying to separate out my friendship from her being Godmother as just as some of you have said the role of Godmother has different meanings to different people.
She doesn't have children, I try to keep this is in mind when I speak to her as even though I have dd I know that sharing every tiny detail of motherhood will probably bore her to death.

I'm just really struggling with her not showing any concern or interest as a friend. She has a medical background so she understands why we are worried and the potential outcomes, I just can't get my head around the lack of interest.

OP posts:

mummytime · 08/02/2012 10:22

I'd be cautious, just because a friend told me how it makes her sad to see in her disabled daughter's Christening photos, that it is clear that one her godmothers didn't really want to be there.
Maybe talk to your friend and ask if she wants to do it, and give her plenty of room to pull out. Make it very clear you only want her to agree if she really wants to. You could even bring up the fact that godparents used to be committing themselves to raising the child if the parents died.

TroublesomeEx · 08/02/2012 10:36

I have a God daughter who is 15.

I haven't seen her since she was 2 for many reasons, none of my doing and not something I have the power or inclination to address currently.

However, she is my Goddaughter and if she turned up on my doorstep next Tuesday, she'd get the same welcome she'd have got if she'd been in my life for the past 13 years.

I think you need to understand whether your friend would do that for your DD or not.

TroublesomeEx · 08/02/2012 10:37

I have a God daughter who is 15.

I haven't seen her since she was 2 for many reasons, none of my doing and not something I have the power or inclination to address currently.

However, she is my Goddaughter and if she turned up on my doorstep next Tuesday, she'd get the same welcome she'd have got if she'd been in my life for the past 13 years.

I think you need to understand whether your friend would do that for your DD or not.

TroublesomeEx · 08/02/2012 10:37

Double post! sorry.

Original poster

Bobyan · 08/02/2012 11:25

Mmm, the more I read the more I think she isn't the right choice. I know I am wimping out but I'm probably going to not mention it and go with another choice. I just can't face a falling outright now and I'm liable to get quite upset with her if I have to explain it.
I just stunned by her lack of interest.

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 08/02/2012 16:24

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that the little details about motherhood are boring, just that I as "How are things" as a catch all question for any concerns a person may have - and if the biggest thing on my friend's mind is something about their dc, then that's what they'll tell me.

But then I find babies endlessly fascinating because I'm currently ready but my relationship isn't. I end up doing a lot of baby-sitting

I expect my evenings out and work woes are equally as dull for my parent mates!

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/02/2012 16:31

My GD is 11 months old and utterly adorable. All the Scarletts worship at the shrine of her.

We babysit overnight to give the exhausted parents a night off/good nights sleep. We have done this since GD was 4 weeks old.

I buy only "approved by GD's mum" presents for her.

Our spare room is now GD's room.

We love to get picture updates between visits.

GD's mum calls me the Fairy Godmother. I like it. DH is not quite so sure about being "Fairy Godfather" though, he prefers "Godfather" as he thinks he sounds like Michael Corleone.

porcamiseria · 08/02/2012 17:02

yanbu, hope your DD gets better soon and maybe just tell her straight, if she ever asks!

Original poster

Bobyan · 08/02/2012 18:23

I'm not even expecting babysitting, I very much feel that the role of Godparents is to offer guidance when their older!

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/02/2012 18:25

It's more of a treat for us TBH

DD even cancels Sat night out with lovely BF to stay in and worship GD

TidyDancer · 08/02/2012 18:38

I think you're being a little bit OTT here. She may have been waiting for you to come to her, or considered her role as your friend to be the person who distracts you from worrying about your DD. Also possible, is that since you say your DD's issues could become serious, could she not be focusing on them because they're not serious now? I think if I were you, if it bothered me this much, I would outright ask her why she hasn't spoken to you about your DD's medical issues. I don't think it's entirely necessary to ask, but it's better than sitting there stewing about it.

In light of your post about the role of GP's being to offer guidance when the DCs are older, do you really think this issue counts her out? Because I don't see why it should tbh.

I really think to count her out as a GP over this would be a mistake without at least discussing your feelings.

Original poster

Bobyan · 08/02/2012 18:54

In order to find out how serious it is dd is going to have to have a general anethestic, without even looking into the long term, I think that would be enough to prompt an interest? Especially as dd is only 6 months old. I also just feel that if she isn't around now, she's probably not going to be the most supportive person in the future.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 08/02/2012 18:58

See that's the thing, it doesn't seem from your posts that she isn't around, just that she hasn't specifically asked you about DD's issues. I think to dismiss her GP potential without at least finding out why she hasn't asked would be, frankly, daft.

If you're leaning towards rejecting her as a GP, what's the harm in at least having a conversation about how you feel?

McHappyPants2012 · 08/02/2012 22:06

Perhaps your friend doesn't know what to say to you. In the past (before having dc of my own) I would offer a friend in trouble or need around for a drink and make light of it, you can't really do this will a sick baby

Original poster

Bobyan · 08/02/2012 23:44

I think the one of the main reasons that I'm thinking about her reaction so much is that she is actually a nurse...

OP posts:

mummytime · 09/02/2012 04:48

Nurses in my experience, tend to be bad at sympathy, but great with practical advice. Actually Doctors tend to be more sympathetic in my experience.
I think you need to talk to her openly, maybe ask advice on the best way to prepare your DD? I would also openly ask if she would rather not be a godmother, it can be very hard to say no to this, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Is she an Atheist for example? If I didn't want to do it I might find it hard to say no, but I would be very hurt to be quietly dropped.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 09/02/2012 04:59

KatieScarlett you sound like an amazing gm, and because there is no-one in dd's life even half as good as you it's why she hasn't been christened!

Op - I was all for saying dump her as gm, until you said she isxa nurse. A friends wife is a nurse who works with very sick children and I know this has worped her views on having children. Could it be that your friend doesn't want to talk about it for selfish reasons? She knows tge worst case scenarios or even doesn't want to be put into a position of giving conflicting advice?

That said, I do still feel as you do. I'm not surprised if you feel hurt too, as your friend and a nurse she has tge knowledge and experience to reassure you and help you through this.

It would be tough but as others have said maybe her view of gm is more a title than a responsibility iyswim and tgat is something you need to discuss really.

And I can't help but cone back round to a very good friend of yours not enquiring how it's all going....

RealLifeIsForWimps · 09/02/2012 05:04

I dont think you can just quietly drop it if you've officially offered and it's been accepted- I assume she's going to be an official godparent - i.e. there will be a christening, rather than just a nominal one, so it's going to be pretty obvious to her and she'll be hurt and confused.

In view of your idea of what godparents are for (which I agree with) I'd also ask if this is a big deal or not, in that people who make good mentors to teenagers/young adults are often different to those who make a big fuss over babies

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