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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit uncomfortable about someone actually using a Wet Nurse for their baby in this day and age?

114 replies

NobodySpecial · 07/02/2012 20:28

Basically when my DD was born, my SIL told me about a woman in her daughter's school who had a baby around the same time and she had a nanny/wet nurse for him who looked after him all day and nursed him aswell.

I find this weird. I understand that she may have had problems with producing milk etc, but still...hiring someone to feed your baby physically? What about milk banks? Or if she didn't have problems with milk production then what about expressing?

I always thought this was something that happened in the olden days and didn't occur anymore, but I was obviously wrong. It would make me uncomfortable if anyone tried to nurse my baby, the biggest exception being my Mum, but she passed away a long time ago so that leaves no one...even my sister or close relative (not that I know anyone who still breastfeeds)...

OP posts:

FirstVix · 08/02/2012 00:18

I can't see anything wrong myself, but it's funny isn't it? I can't see me being happy with my DD being bf by someone else yet I would happily feed another child. Jealousy I guess on my part.

Mind you, DD would be mega jealous if she saw (9mo) - she's bad enough when I cuddle other babies!

(Reminds me of a Family Guy where Lois wanted to stop BF and Stewie didn't so targeted other mums.)

Birdsgottafly · 08/02/2012 00:44

The only draw back would be the risk of body fluid born diseases. The woman would have to abstain from sex for three months,min and then have full tests done. Even then HIV etc can lay dormant. We cannot choose to have unscreened blood transfusions in the UK, so i am not sure if a parent should be able to make that decision for their baby.

From a purely feeding POV i wouldn't have a problem with it.

complexnumber · 08/02/2012 03:17

In Saudi Arabia it is so common mention of it even features in the wedding ceremony. You have to declare you haven't been breastfed by the same woman. I know someone who is frantically trying to feed all her children's cousins so they won't get married off to them.

Boomerwang · 08/02/2012 04:12

I couldn't do it. I think I'd be jealous and possessive, even if I didn't actually witness it. I'd use formula and keep the bonding because I'm too silly in the head to risk my baby preferring another woman to be their mother. Irrational, I know.

runningwilde · 08/02/2012 07:48

Why not? Far, far, far better than formula.

cuppatea2 · 08/02/2012 08:27

In Islam breastfeeding a baby establishes a legal relationship with marital prohibitions similar to blood ties. So the wet nurse becomes the baby's "foster mother", her husband and any other children she has breast fed, her parents, her bloods brothers and sisters - all become "foster" family to the baby and marriage is forbidden with them as though they were blood relatives.

The adult "foster child" is obliged to treat the foster mother with special kindness (though nothing like the same staus as the birth mother). But there are no other duties or responsibilities towards her, or on her towards the child.

Unlike blood ties, there is no automatic inheritence between people with a breat millk fostering relationship.

Some Muslim families seek to establish a breast milk relationship if the adopt a young child as this removes the need to segregate or cover up between the sexes as they grow up, due to the above marriage laws.

oldraver · 08/02/2012 12:52

Animula yes I saw a programme about a male gay couple in the US who adopted/surrogated (cant remember which) triplets and they bought up breastmilk and fed the babies a mixture of that and formula.

I doubt anyone would want the gunk that comes out of my boobies now. My DS had a little DBM after he was born a little early so I thought I would give back what I could

WhiffyBell · 08/02/2012 14:26

Firstly, if a wet nurse has a child young enough to still want bm the demand for her milk will increase her supply. Secondly, you can relactate at any given time, or continue to lactate after your child has self weaned from you.

Thirdly, the child may have been used to this set up for a while, he may be combi-feeding (a mixture of gasp, shock, horror breast milk and this wonderful formula we all seem to have so much faith in). Or perhaps the wet nurse expresses for evening time.

Plenty of breastfeeding mums combi feed, or offer a bottle of expressed milk, for whatever reason, in the evenings. It's not disgusting. Attitudes about breastfeeding in the UK are shocking. .

OlympicEater · 08/02/2012 14:45

Wouldn't have a problem with this at all. Far rather another woman's milk than another species.

When the DNs were born, when they cried I could feel my letdown reflex and had dsis been unable to feed then it would have felt completely natural (with her and BILs consent) for me to feed their babies.

Nonsensical · 08/02/2012 15:00

fanniadams my son had terrible eczema even though he was exclusively breastfed, and with no family history of eczema or allergies, so please don't feel bad for your babies x

kelly2000 · 08/02/2012 16:11

I would not do it for health reasons. You have no real idea what diseases the wet nurse has, or what medicines, diet she has that could eb passed on to the baby. For an extreme example, HIV can be passed on through breast milk, and whilst the wet nurse can be tested for it, HIV can take up to six months to appear in a standard test. And HIV can appear symptomless for several years so the wet nurse may honestly believe she does not have anything wrong with her. HIV is obviously an extreme example, but there are plenty of other things thta could be passed on, and whilst you can monitor your own diet and lifestyle 24/7 you cannot do that to someone else just because you employ them, and whilst I might trust a relative, I would not trust anyone else to such an extent.

kelly2000 · 08/02/2012 16:15

like bird said, you would nto go and get a blood transusion from someone without ensuring there was nothing dangerous in their blood, so why act differently when it comes to your child.

thefurryone · 08/02/2012 16:19

Oh interesting subject. DS has just started nursery and I was pondering what I'd do if nurseries provided wet nurses for BF babies. I couldn't really decide as I think it's a hard decision to make in the abstract, without knowing the person who'd be nursing him. It has definitely crossed my mind to wonder what would happen if I tried to feed a friends baby and vice versa, but I've never plucked up the courage to ask anyone!

OP on the whole YABU to judge another women for choosing this option, I'm sure she has her own very good reasons for doing so, but YANBU to feel uncomfortable thinking about another women BF your baby.

OhdearNigel · 08/02/2012 20:17

Considerably better option than using a milk derived from that designed for the offspring of a species far removed from our own which is highly processed and so rife with bacteria that it has such complex make-up instructions that whole websites are dedicated to how to make it up. Plus all the health risks.

I cannot understand why anyone would consider formula if they could afford a wetnurse.

OhdearNigel · 08/02/2012 20:19

Thefurryone, I would have had absolutely no issue whatsoever with DD's keyworker breastfeeding her in nursery. I would have been absolutely ecstatic that she was getting such an intimate bonding with the woman that looks after her for 16 hours a week.

SIL and I had babies 23 hours apart - I was dying to try feeding her DS but never got the opportunity :(

OhdearNigel · 08/02/2012 20:21

I'm thinking maybe a whole new career could open up for me...... I wonder if there are any Sussex based celebrities/wealthy women requiring a WN ??

kelly2000 · 08/02/2012 20:23

ohdear,
Do you not worry about what could be in their breastmilk, stds, medicines, smoking etc? Would you get a blood transfusion yourself without being sure it did not have stds etc in it?

charlottery · 08/02/2012 20:58

I was holding a friend's newborn the other day, and when she cried I very nearly automatically went to open my bra before I remembered and handed her back. I don't think I'd have any problem nursing another woman's baby, but would probably rather feed my own (jealousy probably!)

my2centsis · 08/02/2012 23:19

I personally wouldn't consider feeding another child unless under circumstances where there was nothing else available, and wouldn't feel comfortable with another women feeding DS unless it was necessary.

But in saying that i don't have a problem with it, it just isn't for me

OhdearNigel · 09/02/2012 12:38

Kelly, I would assume that someone professionally wetnursing would be subject to the same sort of certification as a blood donor. And I would assume that the woman would take the same amount of care of what went into her BM as I do relating to medicines, drugs etc.

To be frank, I don't think you are likely to get many STi ridden, heroin addicted wet-nurses. I don't think there are many diseases that are passed on via BM anyway.

OhdearNigel · 09/02/2012 12:41

in fact, I believe HIV is the only STI that is trasferrable via breastmilk

allthatglittersisnotgold · 09/02/2012 14:06

Personally I think YANBU, it's a bit odd for another woman to feed your child, and seems a bit Victorian?! Can't one express and save it for when they do go out? Otherwise baby won't get right anitbodies etc?

Malificence · 09/02/2012 14:36

Anyone would think that formula milk was basically rat poison. .

RabidEchidna · 09/02/2012 14:48

YANBU no just no

worriedsilly · 09/02/2012 14:53

If, when we supplemented my kids with milk other than my own, I'd had the choice bewteen cows milk and breastmilk - I'd have bought the breastmilk. No question.

Like egg, any milk is plain odd when you think about it, so may as be odd and meant for a human rather than odd and meant for a cow and then refined.

I'd take milk from a friend and give to a friend. For sure. It is how the species survived.

Would I physically feed...I'm not sure.

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