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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by my family?

43 replies

Multifacetediguana · 07/02/2012 19:41

My ds is 12.5 mo. I have been back at work full time for a month (teacher). Ds is at nursery 2 days and looked after by grandparents and dh for the rest of the week.

On Sunday we were at pils for Sunday lunch and both bils were there with hire wives. It became apparent that ds had a the signs of conjunctivitis. Dh and I went to chemist to ask for drops but they said we would have to see gp. Ds is not allowed in nursery without drops, and was due to go on Monday, leaving us a bit stuck. My mum was ringing me offering to help even though she had ahospital appt followed by work on Monday, but it would have been too much to ask of her. I ended up taking Monday off work to see to ds and take him to drs.

Pil is retired (early 50s), mil does not work, bil had Monday off and his wife does not work either and is childless. The only people who offered to help us out we're other bil and sil who have 2 children under 2 of their own but I did not want to impose on them and risk their dds catching the infection. Aibu to think that others ils could have offered to help out. Mil did utter a lukewarm "let me know if you need me" as we were leaving but I did not get the impression she was very keen. Am I expecting too much of them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Multifacetediguana · 07/02/2012 19:43

Sorry for typos, on phone!

OP posts:
kerala · 07/02/2012 19:44

Don't think you can ever "expect" unpaid childcare from anyone whoever they are.

cheekyseamonkey · 07/02/2012 19:44

YABU

I take it you or DP took the day off in the end? Was it the end of the world? You are his parents, they shouldn't have to drop their lives to help you out at short notice.

Sirzy · 07/02/2012 19:45

It would have been nice if they had but they are not obliged to help out. Sounds like you are lucky to have family which help with childcare anyway and provide 3 days free child care.

Ladygahgah · 07/02/2012 19:47

Um so MIL offered? Albeit "lukewarm" and you had two other offers of care?...yes YABU

scurryfunge · 07/02/2012 19:48

Yabu

ShagOBite · 07/02/2012 19:49

Did you actually ask them?

MrsMcEnroe · 07/02/2012 19:50

I can see why, but I'm afraid you are expecting too much of them - sadly, taking time off work is par for the course when you have children. (I will be working from home with a poorly DD tomorrow - my employer hates staff working from home but I have deadlines I can't miss so there's no other option available). It is a complete PITA. However, they are your children, so you have to suck it up. Sad

Perhaps your ILs think they already do enough childcare? (sorry, it wasn't clear from your post whether both sets of grandparents, or just your parents, are helping you out with childcare while you work).

Also, looking after someone's child when they are poorly is VERY different to looking after a child when they are well. I wouldn't want to catch conjunctivitis so your ILs probably don't either - and it is very contagious.

Hope your DS is OK now.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/02/2012 19:57

YABVU.

If people offer to help out, it is a nice bonus, but it should never be expected.

Plenty of people that don't have children won't think to offer because you don't realise what a pita it is to be in your situation until you have children, and plenty of people would have no clue what to do with a one year old for a full day if they haven't had children. Especially one that is a bit grouchy because of conjunctivitis.

I wouldn't have known what to do with a baby before I had my own, nor would any of my very maternal friends who don't have much contact with small children.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/02/2012 19:59

And yor bil who had the day booked off probably wanted to enjoy his day of with his wife instead of having to look after an infectious child. That doesn't mean they are unsupportive family.

DamnBamboo · 07/02/2012 20:00

You'll get slayed for this OP.

I will watch with interest.

YABU,you should never expect other people to help out just because it suits you.

GnomeDePlume · 07/02/2012 20:00

You should have asked not expect people to offer.

Caz10 · 07/02/2012 20:06

I think YABU, BUT as a teacher I know you can't take a days holiday in the same way other people can, which does make it harder.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 07/02/2012 20:10

But MIL offered? What's the problem?

ComposHat · 07/02/2012 20:13

In what way is that your extended family's problem? You chose the teaching profession and you chose along with your partner to have children. To expect everyone to drop everything to acomodate your lifestyle choices is BU, I'm afraid.

BTW. why do teachers always assume that everyone else can take leave whenever they want? There are lots of other jobs where leave taking is restricted to certain times in the year,(and very few, if any of them, have the compensation of 12 weeks fully paid holiday either)

halcyondays · 07/02/2012 20:13

But your MIL did offer to help if you needed her. YABU

arghmyear · 07/02/2012 20:16

Yabu, I'm afraid. Your family seems to be extremely supportive and you are very lucky. It is up to you or dh to look after your ds when he is ill and that does mean time off work. That's life. Your mil was very generous to say call if you need her, regardless of the tone she used.

fotheringhay · 07/02/2012 20:17

YANBU to wish she was more keen, but you can't expect it (as I'm sure you've realised by now Wink )

ImperialBlether · 07/02/2012 20:18

Blimey, what reactions. Since when is it rude to expect your own family to help you out? I can't imagine any of my family not offering and if one of us had to ask, would agree immediately.

If I had grandchildren, I wouldn't be able to wait to have some time alone with them.

FessaEst · 07/02/2012 20:18

Yabu I'm afraid. Your mum offered, your sip offered & your mil offered-who do you feel let down by? I am envious of the amount of support you have already. Your ds probably wasn't feeling great & will have benefitted from you being off with him.

my2centsis · 07/02/2012 20:21

YABU

I can understand u feeling a lite let down BUT at the end of the day it was YOUR child that needed to be taken to the gp to Expect someone else to do it is rude.
Hope your dc is feeling better

NeedlesCuties · 07/02/2012 20:21

I echo what all the other posters have said.

YABU.

Also, is it both sets of grandparents who mind DS normally, or just one set?

I've got myself a Brew and am sitting down with a bag of popcorn now to watch the coming fireworks.

Kayano · 07/02/2012 20:26

So your BIL, SIL, mil and your mother offered...Hmm

Wtaf? YABU

fedupofnamechanging · 07/02/2012 20:29

I can see why BIL, who had the day off,didn't offer. If dh and I had a rare day home together, I'd not want to spend it looking after someone else's baby.

I think you should have asked your mil. She might not have been thrilled, but it sounds like she would have helped you out.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 07/02/2012 20:36

I think you are being really precious. Your MIL did offer but she wasn't gushing enough for you? Really?

Also, it is a big ask when the child is sick, especially at that age as the child normally wants Mum or Dad. My parents are a great help but they are also retired and old enough that catching something off the kids (even conjunctivitis) can knock them for 6

Also, your BIL had the day off so they had probably made plans. being childless the thought of being stuck with a poorly child probably filled them with horror!