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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send my phone number to woman who's just dumped my friend?

21 replies

purpleroses · 07/02/2012 10:58

Good (male) friend of mine got married last summer. Delightfully in love with his new wife. 6 months on, she's walked out on him

She emailed me to tell me and ask me to get in touch with him as he needed support. (have left message for him, and checked with mutual friend who has spoken to him - he's OK though pretty shaken up)

But now, another email from her asking for my mobile number "because of how things are" She's sent a similar email to at least two other mutual friends.

I've been friendly with her the last couple of years, since she's known my friend, but we're not close.

Does she want to keep in touch with us all after the split?
Or is she collecting all his friends phone numbers so she can harrass him?
What woud you make of it?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 07/02/2012 11:01

I suppose it depends on what her reasons were for walking out. She may genuinely still care for him, and is worried about him, but something has happened that has meant she is unable to continue living with him.

YonSeaCow · 07/02/2012 11:01

Ignore her request, but don't be nasty - they may get back together. Just stick to supporting your friend to avoid getting stuck in the middle.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/02/2012 11:04

I would just ignore the email. She may be feeling guilty or god knows what. But if your loyalty is clearly with your friend then just don't engage.

A friend of mine recently went through some very rough times with her OH - the OH contacted me all full of guilt and wanting to talk about it; I was a bit at the idea of trying to field both their feelings particularly as friend is one of my dearest oldest friends and my loyalty was clearly with her. So I just ignored the email from OH despite wanting to email back having a go. They've sorted it out now and I'm glad I didn't get involved.

trustissues75 · 07/02/2012 11:04

Just say that you hope that she's ok but that you're not very comfortable getting too involved right now? If you've been freindly the past couple of years, but not friendly enough to exchange mobile numbers, then under the circumstances it would be reasonable to not want to give it to her now...she has your email, but really this is their thing and why she would need to keep in contact with you over th break up of her marriage with your friend makes me think she may have an ulterior motive that you probably dont' want to be dragged into.

JustHecate · 07/02/2012 11:08

I would say that if she hasn't been close enough to you thus far to even have your mobile number, it would be a bit weird to give it to her now.

She has a way to communicate with you, that's enough. She doesn't need your phone number.

Why would she want it anyway? Wanting to involve you? wanting to get you 'on side'?

If this was a female friend, would you give your mobile number to the husband who had walked out on her, because he asked for it?

I'm betting not.

arghmyear · 07/02/2012 11:09

She has your email if she needs to say anything important. But there does seem to be a bit more to it - You could hear her out I suppose?

Original poster

purpleroses · 07/02/2012 11:14

I really don't know why she wants it. I'm confused. Hoping people here might have some ideas!

Yes, my loyalties are very much to my longstanding friend, but I'd never normally refuse to give my number to somone.

OP posts:

Eyjafjallajokull · 07/02/2012 11:15

She's possibly a bit childish. I'd ignore the email.
If it's anything more, it's probably none of your business, and if it's something truly despicable about your friend, you'll hear about it anyway.

MrsBeakman · 07/02/2012 11:18

I'd ignore the email from dumper woman but try and get in contact with your friend to offer support. Ask if he wants to meet up for a chat. He may be putting on a brave face but need support.

Original poster

purpleroses · 07/02/2012 11:21

Beakman - not so easy. He doesn't live near. I live near his mum, so if he comes to visit her, I'll take him out for a drink. But apparently he hasn't even told her yet.

OP posts:

MrsBeakman · 07/02/2012 11:25

Oh ok. Phone /email probably more appropriate then. I see you left a phone message for him anyway. You could maybe drop him an email just to ask if he wants a chat. Although men probably aren't so open to chatting about their feelings as women are. (I'm probably being sexist there!)

SaraBellumHertz · 07/02/2012 11:26

Because most of my friends are rather nice, sane, level headed types and are in relationships with other nice sane level headed types if I was to receive such a request following a split I would assume that rather than being childish she was actually concerned about something in particular.

Therefore in the absence of any evidence to the contrary I would assume good intentions and send my number back with a quick one liner saying that I was sorry, was everything ok and could I do anything. At this point I would then expect the, to divulge why they suddenly requested my number.

Frankly her having it isn't going to do any harm and there may be a genuine need.

BrightnessFalls · 07/02/2012 11:29

Unless you know why they split, you need to stick with your friend. I wouldnt give her your phone number but you could acknowledge her email. Who knows whats gone on? Theres even a chance they could get back together.

Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2012 11:33

Emails cannot be fabricated or exaggarated, unlike conversations. We were put in a situation where the person who was dumbed did not know whoto trust because of lies over what we were supposed tohave said, that was the dumper's aim. He didn't want his ex to have support and be able to stand up to his unreasonable demands over a divorce settlement.

Thumbwitch · 07/02/2012 11:36

I wouldn't let her have it if she's not your particular friend - hard enough if you were friends with both of them but since he's your friend far more than she is, why does she want to stay in touch with you? That's a little odd, I think.

trustissues75 · 07/02/2012 11:37

Birds - another good reason why a phone numbermay not be a good idea. My ex did this, talking to my friends and then insinuating things - divide and conquer.

RubyrooUK · 07/02/2012 11:43

Maybe just say to her in the email "oh I never hear my phone by the way - it's best to get me on this email".

Then if she is keen to contact you because she is worried about your friend (you can't always switch off feelings just because you don't want to be married to someone) she can get hold of you. Equally, you don't have to worry about her calling you when it's unclear what she wants.

Nilgiri · 07/02/2012 11:44

Yep, another vote for "divide and conquer" being likely.

She has your email. If she has some important factual info to impart, she can do so without difficulty.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 07/02/2012 11:50

"Unless you know why they split, you need to stick with your friend. I wouldnt give her your phone number but you could acknowledge her email. Who knows whats gone on? Theres even a chance they could get back together."

I agree with this and just wanted to add, try to still be polite to her, and friendly if you can, because you don't know the circumstances of the break up or who, if anyone, was at fault or for what.

It sounds as though she still cares for him and if he's keeping things secret he may be hoping they will get back together before his family find out.

And if they do, and you have been off with his wife, you may lose your friend because of it.

RubyrooUK · 07/02/2012 17:22

Agree with NoOne - my friend and his girlfriend split up and she stayed in touch with me.

I did feel a bit concerned that I might be betraying my friend so kept things nice but not too intimate. We didn't meet up or anything but stayed Facebook friends and so on.

The couple ended up getting back together and have now got a baby so it was worth staying in touch.

Even if they hadn't got back together, she would probably just have drifted off from my friendship circle anyway and caused no trouble.

giraffes · 07/02/2012 17:27

i echo what the others have said about being polite - and maybe the phone number will be no harm - if/when she calls you might be the time to say if you feel uncomfortable.

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