To feel upset about what DH said

[Mishy1234]

DS1 is 4 at the weekend, but won't start school until Aug 2013 (Scottish system). He currently attends a lovely private nursery 2 days, as does his brother who is 20 months. They have 1 day with PIL and the remaining 2 with me (I work part-time).

The original plan was for DS1 to attend a school nursery from this Aug (2 full days and 3 mornings), but I really feel he would do just as well staying where he is for another year and it makes things easier for me with both boys being at the same place.

I think he should remain just the 2 full days, but DH thinks he should do 3 full days and 2 mornings. He first said he thought it would be good preparation for building stamina for starting school. I can see his point, but this will be DS1's last year before he starts formal education for the next 13 years!

OK, so now the bit which upset me (sorry it's taken so long to get to this, but I needed to explain the above first). He then said the real reason was that he didn't feel that DS2 has had the same 1:1 time with me as DS1 and that DS1 is obviously my pfb and I have a closer bond with him. It IS true that DS1 and I are very close. He's a very huggy child and always has been. He craves physical contact in a way DS2 doesn't. DS2 is very different and is always on the move. DH said he thought DS2 and I need time alone to 'bond'. This has really upset me. I do everything I can to be a good mother to both boys and respond to them as individuals. Now I'm worried I have short changed DS2 in some way.

Please tell me I'm being an idiot about this. Don't all second (and subsequent) children get a bit less 1:1 time than the first born? Surely that doesn't mean they don't bond as well?

I think all children need time alone with each parent. Obviously it's harder in larger families, but with only 2 DC you should be able to do it. If you aren't spending any 1:1 time with DS2 then you really need to start. He does need it, he just doesn't show it and I think you're mistaking the two.

Not only that, YOU need it, because if you honestly can't see that your DS2 could do with spending 1:1 time with you then there IS something wrong with your bond with him I'm afraid.

DS2 doesn't get this alone time, but I don't necessarily feel he needs it. Maybe I'm wrong on that.

I think you could be wrong. I was actually the elder child, but the "easy one", and, like your DS2, less huggy/openly affectionate. I definitely got a lot less 1 on 1 time (although I really cherished it when I did), and to an extent that reinforced my role as the "easy, independent" one.

I guess what I'm saying is that parents have to be careful not to adopt a "who shouts loudest, gets" approach, and it's a bloody easy trap to fall into.

I think most parents probably have one of their kids who is a more "natural fit" for their personality, but I do think it's important to spend 1on1 time with them all- it's the only way you really get to know someone.

I think it sounds like your DH was a little insensitive to your feelings to imply that DS1 is your "favourite". However I agree with RealLifeIsForWimps that you need to be careful about assuming DS2 doesn't need you as much just because he is less of a "huggy" personality.

My DD has a very close relationship with my DH, but I try not to let that affect the way I respond to her or either of my DSs. It's hard though!

My feeling is that your DS1 might benefit from moving to the new place. I realise it's more hassle for you to have them in different places, but when he starts school is it likely that most of the other kids will have come from the attached pre-school and will know each other? When my DS1 started reception, all but 3 of the children had been at the same nursery and 1 of the 3 had a really hard time settling in.

Could you find a compromise? You think 2 days and your DH thinks 3 mornings plus 2 days; how about 2 days plus 2 mornings or something like that?

I don't think you need to worry about "building stamina" before starting school. I think you need to do what is right for DS1 at the moment. He'll find it tiring when he starts school whatever you do!

Not only that, YOU need it, because if you honestly can't see that your DS2 could do with spending 1:1 time with you then there IS something wrong with your bond with him I'm afraid.

Maybe you are right. DS2 is still bf and cosleeping, so maybe in my head I see that as 1:1 time and that the rest of the time he shares me with DS2. We will sit and play Lego together, read (they get to choose alternate books), but if he's not feeding or in bed with us then DS2 is there pretty much all the time. He doesn't for example, get read to without DS1 being around (not necessarily on my knee, but in the same room). I don't feel I don't have a bond with him, but maybe I do need to spend more time alone with him. He does get individual attention, just not without DS1 there iyswim.

I don't really agree with your DH either. We have 2 as well, so DD (youngest) has inevitably had much less 1:1 time with me than DS - we used to have 1 day a week while DS was in nursery, now only half a day a week (and that is sometimes taken up with getting things done that I can't do with both of them, rather than "special" 1:1 time).

Yet I don't feel any less bonded with DD, and in fact she is much more cuddly and sociable than DS, who's decided he hates cuddles! I do think that is just down to personality, nothing to do with bonding or attention.

Also, while 1:1 "mummy" time is great, "sibling" time is also great and is something the older one will have missed out on when they were tiny! So it's all swings and roundabouts really.

I would talk to your DH and tell him his comments have upset you and why. Might also be worth mentioning that he - I'm guessing - works all week and yet presumably still feels he has managed to bond with them both! How much "alone time" does he have with either of them?!

As for the nursery thing, I would really focus mainly on the practical side. We had a very similar decision to yours (similar work/childcare setup) and decided to stick with the day nursery for 3 reasons really:

a) it would have been very complicated arranging the afternoon childcare for DS on the days I'm working (we would have somehow had to get him from the school nursery back to the day nursery, or get a CM or something - how would you work that, or would he be able to stay on at the school nursery?)
b) Plans on my non-working days would have to be fitted round dropping off and picking up DS, so my actual time with DD would be limited anyway (DS does do one half-day at the day nursery to give me time with DD, but it's always a bit of a mad rush, so I am still considering dropping it - and this would also impact PILs on their day, especially if they don't live very locally), and:
c) Because DD still needs an afternoon nap most days, there would be very little opportunity to go out and do things with DS, as he would be in preschool every morning and stuck at home while DD napped for most of the afternoon (naps out and about haven't worked since she was much younger).

Sorry for the very long post, but hopefully it will be helpful as it does sound like we are in very similar situations!

mrspepperpotty - the problem is that the minimum he can go to the new place is 5 mornings. I work 2 days, so that would mean 2 full days and 3 mornings. Then there is the after school facility (which he would need to be in for 2 days), which although it IS good is a mix of ALL the primary age groups. My feeling was that he might find that too overwhelming.

mrspepperpotty does make a good point though about whether the school nursery is at the school he's likely to be going to - this wasn't an issue for us as the most likely school doesn't have a preschool attached, but some of his day nursery friends are likely to end up there. But we might have chosen differently if he was likely to go to a school that DID have a nursery.

Yes Meek, we are in very similar situations. The new school is over the other side of town from where we live, so the plan would be for DH to take him on his way to work. I would take DS2 to nursery on the 2 days he goes. Also, I had the same feelings as you about my non-working days. I would probably drop off on those days and then have to be back just a few hours later. In addition, there would be an extra year of having to manage school holidays too.

OK, that does make sense re the after-school club and school holidays.

In that case I agree with another poster that your DS2 will have lots of mummy time when DS1 starts school, so I don't think he is too hard done by. Could you arrange it so that DS2 has just one morning of 1:1 time with you?

I think it was rude from your dh to say that you need 'to bond' with ds2 .

Also, he sounds like an over-thinking dad - does he read too many parenting books?