Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to know where dc is

23 replies

poinsetta · 06/02/2012 21:40

On contact weekends with exH AIBU to want to know where DC is staying? Sometimes is at his house and sometimes at his girlfriends house. DC is 6. I am happy that she is cared for well at either so not sure if I AIBU or not.

OP posts:
campariandlemonade · 06/02/2012 21:44

I used to find it reassuring to know where my DC was when he was that age and with his father...Could you just ask you EXH to let you know, just as a courtesy, and in case of emergencies etc? I don't think YABU.

squeakytoy · 06/02/2012 21:45

YABU

He is with his father. Do you update his father every time you take him anywhere?

Hulababy · 06/02/2012 21:47

Whilst she is away do you have a contact number for her father, so you can get in touch in case of emergencies?

LynetteScavo · 06/02/2012 21:48

Over night? Yes, out I would want to know about over night. But then I am a control freak who probably wouldn't let my DC stay anywhere I hadn't personally inspected.

GrahamTribe · 06/02/2012 21:48

Personally I wouldn't allow my child to go to their other parent unless I had an address and phone number, particularly if the child is only 6 years old. That may make me unreasonable in others' eyes but I'd feel strongly enough about it not to care what the current thinking is.

Has your ex given a reason for not telling you where your daughter will be staying?

squeakytoy · 06/02/2012 21:50

but nobody "allows" their child to go to the other parent.. the other parent has a right to see their child..

mynewpassion · 06/02/2012 21:51

If they are within the country and you have his mobile number, you don't need any other info.

seeker · 06/02/2012 21:52

Do you tell him where your dc is eve moment of the day when she is with you?

GreatBallsOfFluff · 06/02/2012 21:52

I would say if you're happy about your DD staying at either place, and you can get hold of ex on his mobile if he has one at either place, then it doesn't matter.

campariandlemonade · 06/02/2012 21:53

Grin at lynette

Original poster
poinsetta · 06/02/2012 21:53

It has been going on like this for a long time. I never complained as I thought like Squeakytoy that as long as Dc is with father then not really my business. however, I am a bit worried that Dc might not like never knowing where she is going or staying. I am certainly not worried about safety, more stability really.

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 06/02/2012 21:55

Squeaky, the other parent does (generally) have the right to see the child but an unrelated third party doesn't.

Besides, we don't yet know whether the child is with the other parent throughout the time away from the OP or whether his GF is left in sole charge. That alone would make a difference to me.

squeakytoy · 06/02/2012 21:58

Well you are right, so long as she is with her father, and you trust him to have her best interests in mind. If it is only once a week or every two weeks, then she will be fine. If it is a case of either at his place, or at his girlfriends house, then she will be used to that and at 6, she is old enough to tell you if she isnt happy. If it is a chain of different girlfriends then you would not be unreasonable to question it, but if it is the same woman then I dont see any problem.

mynewpassion · 06/02/2012 21:59

So if the resident parent goes out and hires a babysitter, should the RP then call the NRP and relay the info to him/her? It becomes ridiculous.

If the OP is that worried, why doesn't she offer to meet the GF then?

If DC has not said anything and is happy about these visits, then do nothing. Don't borrow trouble where there is none.

squeakytoy · 06/02/2012 22:01

Besides, we don't yet know whether the child is with the other parent throughout the time away from the OP or whether his GF is left in sole charge. That alone would make a difference to me

Not really, because again, if the OP were to say her ex was questioning her because her boyfriend was babysitting while she went out, everyone on here would say it was none of his business. Which it wouldnt be.

Each parent should be confident that the other parent has the child's safety and best interests in mind, and even if they pass the care of the child to another person, it would be a person they deemed trustworthy. If either parent has any genuine concerns about the other parent then they need to voice it to them.

GrahamTribe · 06/02/2012 22:07

I suppose that's where I'm different Squeaky. I wouldn't have a boyfriend babysitting my DC either so the comparison wouldn't occur to me. I view my DC as my responsibility and not a boyfriend's.

Besides, it can be argued that the parent with care knows and has "vetted" a babysitter, either through professional means or personal ones but they don't know the other parent's partner. I can understand how that lack of knowledge might make a parent with care feel concerned or uneasy.

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2012 22:09

I suppose it would be handy to know but as long as you have both addresses, you'll always know it'll be one house or the other.

I take it you have a mobile phone number for contact?

mynewpassion · 06/02/2012 22:12

Besides, it can be argued that the parent with care knows and has "vetted" a babysitter, either through professional means or personal ones but they don't know the other parent's partner.

The NRP likely has also vetted the person. And as I stated before, if the OP is that concern, she could always suggest meeting the GF.

Original poster
poinsetta · 06/02/2012 22:19

I am not worried about the GF and do not have concerns about that. I am more concerned about DC not knowing where she is going. Although she is old enough to tell me if unhappy she is very much a people pleaser and would not tell me if it bothered her. Maybe it doesn't, I am not a neurotic control freak (generally :)) and have always taken a fairly laid back, trusting approach so I guess i was more checking that I am not too laid back about it IYSWIM.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/02/2012 22:21

Can't she phone and ask him or does he not know til the last minute?

Kayano · 06/02/2012 22:26

If she hasn't complained then just leave it. She is with her dad and will be used
To it. If you start questioning them or your dc then they will start to question things and feel unsettled if they get the Impression that YOU want to know iyswim?

I don't really think it matters tbh as long as they are contactable and you know thy will be at x or at y

Original poster
poinsetta · 06/02/2012 22:28

She has never said that she is bothered and wants to know! Laughing at myself here as that does make me sound a bit stupid to be worrying if she is so not bothered but I suppose I worry that she is worried and unsettled by it but just doesn't know it. I am not mad honestly! The consensus seems to be that i am worrying for nothing so I guess I will carry on as I was before and not worry until / if she tells me she is bothered by it.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 06/02/2012 22:28

Has she expressed her concern about not knowing or are you just projecting? If she is familiar with both places, then she probably is not likely to be worried.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread