to lose my temper with ds because he has done badly in his exams

[GeorgeEliot]

he is blaming it on not having enough time to revise last weekend, because we went out to lunch at friends.

I pointed out that he managed to find the time to play on the X-box.

He is nearly 13. It is hard for me to empathise, because I was very bright at school, and never struggled academically.

Feeling guilty now.

I'm not comparing him to myself when I'm discussing it with him.

I am just struggling to see things from his point of view, because my own experience was so different.

And trying to see how to motivate him to work differently.

Maybe not consciously,but adolescents pick up on stuff
Your maybe bit stuck on your own experience rather than his experience

I'd say it depends what form your "loss of temper" took.
My DS is 12 yo and I've posted on here about how much help/supervision he should have.
The general opinion is none. If he doesn't do the work, then the school teachers will mark him accordingly.

Well, I know my son. I know he is clever but bone bloody idle. If it's a subject he likes then he'll happily do the work. If he doesn't (and TBH we've all got to do things we don't like) then it's a struggle to motivate him, and left to his own devices ,he'd just hand in any old rubbish, the bare minimum.

I get him to think about the question, plan his answer, do a rough draft, then the finished work. Then hopefully, this will be the way he'll approach his homework without me guiding him.I don't intend to be doing this forever.And I always tell him it's his homework, he has to understand it, in his words.

The only exams he's done so far is his SATs. He was expected to get a 5 for maths, he got a 4 in everything, fair enough, a good mark, and he was happy.But if he'd pushed himself he could have done better.

So I can see where you are coming from George.. I think they are at school a relatively short time. It's going to affect the rest of their careers, the marks they get. Maybe this is a shock for him, to not do well.

I just don't want my DS to turn round in years to come and say "You should've made me work harder"

He's 12 yo A child. I'm the adult.I'm the parent.

tbh i think weekends should be for playing xbox or having fun.

YANBU for getting cross with him for not doing his best in the tests. He is BU for blaming you for going out to lunch with friends.

I do not agree with the posters who say school exams are entirely the childs responsibility, they are not, the child is a CHILD and it is the parents responsibility to help, guide and motivate the child to get as much out of school as possible. That means doing what you can as a parent to ensure your child reaches their full academic potential (whatever that potential is).

I have 4 DS, 3 of them teens, and we are not hung up on every exam being an "A", but we ARE hung up on each child doing THEIR best in each subject and making sure they have the time and resources and encouragement to do that. So, all available study aids bought (there are plenty of free resources available too), a quite area to study, encouragement to study a little and often through the term, proper use of past papers (do past paper, mark it, use the results to find problem areas that need more work). Many schools do lunch time or after school study groups in key subjects, and if you have the cash, tutoring can make a real difference to a DC who is just not "getting" a subject (teachers teach to the whole class, but some kids need a different approach).

We have always tried to emphasise WHY it's important to do your best at school - the better you achieve at school, the more options you will have when you leave school, more choices means being able to find the job you want and will be happy doing, etc.

Ours are 17 and 13. Paradoxically the uber bright one is inclined to be lazy and the less bright one is inclined to work hard and self disciplined.

What has worked for our son in the run up to exams is the removal of technology (or leads) until he has demonstrated that he has completed an acceptable amount of revision. And when that has been achieved he has been allowed to have the leads back for an hour or two.

As they get bigger they really do become more self regulating though.

Just be careful that you don't give your children the impression that your love is conditional on their good performance in exams. My mother did and though I do believe she thought she was doing all the pushing for my own good I grew to dislike it and eventually resent it. She once admitted that I was a disappointment. We have no relationship now. I am in my mid-sixties and she in her mid-eighties. My life has been very ordinary, but I have enough, and am content, in the main. I wish I'd had a different relationship with my mother, though.

Since DSs went to a new schol in September they have a lot more 'school exams' and we found they had to be advised how to revise and prepare for exams.

It is possible DS just doesn't know how to revise so he just doesn't get it done?

We only discovered this with our DSs after a an occassional 'bad' exam result and we were able to help each DS develop revision techniques and plan their time. We also told them we would help them go through a little armchair practice test whenever they wanted so they could get a feel for what they didnt know and help them focus on weak areas.

In essence, we offered to help - not wave the big stick.

MARRIEDINWHITE - yes we've found that too - exceptionally bright DS (now at Uni), was not inclined to study (has had many a bollocking over bare-scrape A grades which reflected lazy attitude when close to 100% would have reflected actual ability). I emphasise, it's about effort and reaching potential, not getting A (unless that is what your potential is). It's hard to get through to kids like this, they will actually have to study to achieve, either towards the end of school or at Uni, they will reach a level where it doesn't come easily anymore, and good study practices are better learnt before that happens!

Academic but dyslexic DS2 has to work much harder to achieve a B or A, has developed better study habits, gets a lot of praise for effort and achievement, he works hard for those grades.

We have done the cables/computers removed from them till the days studying done, until they learned to be a bit more self regulated.

I agree MOREBETA, many kids don't actually know how to study, certainly our school were fairly unhelpful in that regard, and we had to show them different ways to study/learn/test themselves.

CARTMANDU Our DS's have always been told we love them no mater what, but that also means we want them to do their best in everything they can - it makes life easier, it gives them more choices in life. They are aware that I crapped up at school (Dyslexia not recognised, parents not involved in education process at all - a hands-off approach can also be very damaging!), and they know I was able to gain qualifications and go to Uni via a "non-traditional" route, but that it's just easier to do education the normal way!