To think that it's not ok for DS to be repeatedly hit

[camberwellred]

Sorry stupidly long post.

My DS started school last Sept and soon established an intense friendship with another boy (both 5). Living so close to each other the 2 spent a lot of time together and consequently both his mum and I became friends too. However, since the start there have been numerous incidents of this friend pinching and slapping him - he has also pretty mean to DS and has also lied to get DS into trouble (which has left DS in floods of tears)

DS has always had great friends and is a real softy - I've never seen him hit out in malice so admittedly this has been new territory.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago the boy and after stating my DS had pushed him (this was agreed by all that this absolutely didn't happen and again my DS was in floods of tears apologising profusely - even though he didn't do it...) the boy went a step further and sought revenge and pushed, slapped and punched DS.

DH and I talked it over and felt worried for the ongoing effect on DS and the unhealthy dynamic between the 2. Being friends with the mum I told her that as much as a shame it was (for us all) we needed to send a clear message to our son that it wasn't right to be treated like this and how we felt pretty upset about it. She seemed mortified and affirmed us she would talk to her DS and that they would make a card together to say sorry (I thought this was a little airy fairy and a simple sorry would be fine but hey) I suggested a bit of space between the two would be good.

It's also worth pointing out that this boy has never really shown any remorse or apology for his actions, this has always come from the mum (which frankly I find weird) he is also very bright. Anyway after about a week and no card or apology happened -she pushed for both of them to play as if nothing had happened.

When asking what the deal was (slightly confused at the lack of apology one week on)she said her DS was absolutely not going to apologise as he thought DS had pushed him and she couldn't make him. She then said she hoped she had apologised enough for what her DS had done (for me, again weird) and that whilst she would like to reassure me that it won't happen again, it probably will and lots of times as this is what children do (problem is mine hasn't, yet...). She made me feel as if I am a completely inexperienced parent (perhaps I am) and I'm being completely OTT to not have things go back to normal.

So, now I'm doubting my values as a parent, and sanity, the whole situation has been really awkward and has left me questioning... am I being unreasonable?

Well while I think that pushing, hitting is certainly a phase that many children go through (mine did) it's usually at the toddler stage. Your friends child is 5 not 2 so no it really isn't acceptable and there should be punishments put in place and she should be mortified and doing all she can to stop it happening again.

If this were me I'd cut my losses and edge them out of my life since she isn't addressing the problem.

Agreed. He'd probably have grown out of it by now if his mum wasn't pretending it didn't matter. Op do talk to the school as well. Hitting is not allowed at school, even between friends, even in the context of "play"

Thanks for all the sound advice. Snowbeetle I'm past caring what the other mum thinks and have regained confidence about how to move things forward and. I've spent the best part of the day with ds and cheeseycharlie you are absolutely spot on, he's one confused boy and tbh quite down- which is totally out of character for him.

OriginalJamieI totally agree with you both about actions/taking responsibility and also about not demonising the boy. I will be chatting to the school, but as this has happened outside so it's a difficult one... I do however want to talk about my concerns for ds and his change in behaviour/attitude (and my absolute frickin fear that he starts playing this out on some other child - sheesh)

It's weird, since this has happened he has not asked for the other boy to come over at all and even denied the opp of going to play at his house, but, in school it's almost like they have this pack-like alliance (how does that work?)

I've been getting loads of other children over to play with and will continue to do so, again, strange as they play brilliantly but then as soon as he's back in school...

I think he's really loyal and maybe feels uneasy about walking away cheeseycharlie as you said, when the good times are good etc, he's definitely carrying the weight of all of this. Think I'm going to try one more go at talking to him before Monday to try and give him some tools to walk away, so please feel free to put some points across.

And finally, thanks :)

The other boy may be controlling him some way at school.
I'd say that the best thing to say to your son is that hitting is wrong and he should shout NO if he is hit and tell an adult.
It may also be that the other boy hurts other children and that your son is happier being with him than against him.

Mean children are amazingly powerful and even popular. Adults need to recognise and deal with this - so, again, talk to the teacher. At our school ther are learning mentors and a counsellor. If your school has someone like this, do raise it with them. They can do things like social skills, assertiveness and friendship groups

But do remember thwt they are only 5! People are talking as if this other boy is a dyed in the wool villain. He's 5!.

Sounds like you're getting it well under control now OP. Pleased for you and hope your little lad is more himself again very soon.

seeker you are absolutely right. I don't want to demonise this boy, so I'm going to stop any kind of focus on him right now and instead channel it into some much needed attention for ds.

Thanks you're all great :)

seeker - yes, I said that before. My last post was badly-worded. But I do think that children who allowed to get away with devious and mean behaviour will carry on and become truly mean

the problem is the mum, not the child. she isn't addressing the issue and is permitting the behaviour. sorry, but also she sounds a bit of a cow to me (the way she seems to be implying you are an inexperienced mum and/or pretending these problems never happened?)

i'd definitely not permit further playdates. they can play at school (where they are basically supervised), but playdates would be off limits for an indefinite period of time. let your son play with other friends who are capable of being trusted of independent play. i think it sends entirely the wrong message to restart the playdates and put your son at risk of being hit again.

FWIW - if it was my child that was doing the hitting - no way i'd be making excuses about her views on the matter.

i should add after re reading my posts. the problem is the PARENTS, not the mum only.

Yanbu and I would be tempted to ask the teachers to keep an eye out too

Protect your ds as this mum is not doing enough to teach her ds this is unacceptable behaviour

I think that you should definitely have a word with the teacher so she can keep an eye what happens at school- the dynamic may be very different in a big group.

And I would still have out of school contact- but I would do the inviting, have him over to play with your dd, but only on days when you can supervise quite closely and play with them. My ds had a friend who was quite dominant, and looking back, I think some of it was ds was ridiculously articulate and the other one wasn't. Things got much better when he caught up and they are firm friends now at 10![

Keep your distance from them for a while.

Does your ds actually want to be friends any more with this boy? Because if he doesn't actually really like the kid then you don't have to do playdates anymore. If she asks be honest and say he's sick of being hit or just make excuses.

In time if the boy's behaviour doesn't improve, it will surface more and more at school and the teachers will mention it to his mum - then she will have to address it. That will probably happen when he's older.
I have to admit she should be teaching him to apologise and not doing it for him when he does hurt a child.