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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let my DS go to his school disco this evening

23 replies

BumFunHun · 03/02/2012 14:07

After his godawful meltdown/tantrum last night. He's 7.

Involved lots of screaming, crying, throwing things etc

All started because he wanted to watch Simpsons before doing his teeth, and then escalated from there.

Really was horrible - he'd been so much better recently, but was so mad at him last night. He already thinks I've thrown his xbox in the bin (I haven't, maybe I should have as I threatened it, but it's in hiding until such time as he can sort out his attitude)

So what do you think - do I let him go this evening? Is taking the precious xbox away punishment enough?

OP posts:

coraltoes · 03/02/2012 14:09

Let him go if you have punished him already.

Gumby · 03/02/2012 14:10

I'd let him go, it will stop the negative cycyle and if he has a nice time he might behave better tomorrow
Next time confiscate the x box, don't lie & say you've thrown it away

Fennel · 03/02/2012 14:11

I take away the TV for a week if they tantrum about it going off or not going on.
They don't do it very often. It's a massively effective sanction in our house.

Pascha · 03/02/2012 14:12

I don't think its fair to stop him going this evening unless you warned him yesterday it would be a consequence of the tantrum. Otherwise there's no link from the punishment to the crime.

Catsdontcare · 03/02/2012 14:12

Let him go you can't punish him twice.

Thumbwitch · 03/02/2012 14:13

Did you tell him that he couldn't go to the disco as a punishment for the tantrum, or was removing the X-box that punishment?

If the former, then he can't go - you can't go back on what you've said.
BUt if the punishment was the removal of the X-box, then let him go to the disco - unfair to punish him twice for the same misdemeanour.

bleedingheart · 03/02/2012 14:13

Let him go. One punishment for one incident seems fair to me. It will also hang over the whole weekend if you don't and won't resolve anything.

Catsdontcare · 03/02/2012 14:13

Agree with fennel let punishment fit the crime so ban him from t.v for the weekend next time

Original poster

BumFunHun · 03/02/2012 14:14

Yeah, was kinda thinking that too coral...DH thinks he should have to stay in this evening now and help me out tidying his bedroom or something...

I think his punishment is harsh enough-for all he knows the xbox is sitting in our wheelie bin and gone forever, which I think was a bit ott of me tbh - was just so furious, and said it was getting binned in the heat of the moment...think it was shortly after he threw a shoe down the stairs at me

OP posts:

bonnieslilsister · 03/02/2012 14:14

ask him what he thinks you should do? ask him to show you why he should go? get him thinking about his tantrum. let him go in the end though as otherwise he will hate you

Original poster

BumFunHun · 03/02/2012 14:16

Wow -loads of missed posts there!

Cool, my gut instinct seems to be following that of the majority - he's already been punished with xbox removal...so it is a bit harsh to punish him further by not letting him go to the disco.

Thanks all :)

OP posts:

LauraShigihara · 03/02/2012 14:16

My eight year old loses computer games for a week if he is extremely naughty, which having a tantrum over a tv programme would be. It is the ultimate sanction as he truly loves his DS and Wii

I would never punish him twice though. That would be unfair.

OrmIrian · 03/02/2012 14:16

Let him go. He's been punished.

Also need to find out why it happened if it's out of character. DS2 does this but whilst it drives me mad I always feel sorry for him because I know he hates it too. With DS it's usually tiredness and frustration.

MmeLindor. · 03/02/2012 14:17

Make TV ban the punishment, not the xbox or the disco.

The TV is connected to the bad behaviour so cut that for 2 days.

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 03/02/2012 14:18

Do you think he might have been overtired or upset about something last night? Is there anything going on in his life that could have caused him to get so irate and lose control like that?

How did he behave this morning before school? Is he still behaving like a little monster oddly or his he back to normal sweet self?

I think it might be worth sitting down with him when he gets home and having serious words about his behaviour last night beng OTT and not on. But do also ask him if everything is okay, does he want to talk to you about anything? Or was he merely overtired?

Once you have some more answers it may become clearer how to proceed.

But I probably wouldn't stop him from going to his school disco. Banning his XBox for a couple of days should be punishment enough I would think.

Thumbwitch · 03/02/2012 14:20

oh and don't beat yourself up about the bin thing - the first time I got mad with DS because he wouldn't tidy his toys away I told him they were going in the bin as well, 2 carrier bagfuls - but I couldn't do it, I put them in the garage instead until I thought he really believed they'd gone - and then brought them back piecemeal.
Now I'm generally more careful about what I threaten - but I do still tell him his things are going in the bin, because he moves them immediately now! But then he's only 4. I will change tactics when he's a little older. :)

Original poster

BumFunHun · 03/02/2012 14:29

Cheers...I would have said that he is reverting back to old behaviour patterns tbh...he went through a phase of being a bit of a sod, and the last few months had been something of a breakthrough, so although this behaviour isn't new as such, it had been a while since he had acted like that.

He was absolutely fine last night - until I told him to do his teeth, he said he wanted to watch Simpsons first - I told him it wasn't a choice and the longer he dithered about it, the less time he'd have to watch it before bed. I think then he just got it into his head that he was going to get his own way, which obviously wasn't happening! (It wasn't even on real time telly, he'd sky+d it!, so not like he was missing anything at all)

This morning he was fine - he didn't calm down and apologise before he went to bed last night unless you count screaming and wailing sorry from his bedroom as an apology but this morning I made a concious decision not to drag it over, and see if he apologised of his own accord (he didn't, but that's not to say he won't. In the past he has apologised the next evening, and it actually seems genuine then; rather than times he feels he's being made to apologise iyswim?) Last night when he was wailing apologies, I told him I couldn't accept an apology when he was still doing what he's apologising for!

OP posts:

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 03/02/2012 14:37

But do you have any idea why he acts like a little sod, I am sure he isn't actually a little sod most of the time

He just sounds completely overwhelmed by his feelings and isn't mature enough [quite naturally for a 7 year old] to be able to control himself. Then he winds you up, you react [quite understandably] and this escalates his bad behaviour...

Again I just wonder does he react badly to getting overtired or is something else going on for him and you telling him he can't watch the Simpsons is like the straw that broke the camel's back?

Original poster

BumFunHun · 03/02/2012 14:49

Thanks RaPa, you've hit the nail on the head there...!

Until yesterday, I thought he had overcome his sod-like behaviour! He did (and clearly still does, going on yesterday's antics) find it very difficult to control his emotions - if he gets angry about something it's really mad; if he's happy, it's overtly so; if he's upset, he can cry like a good'un! Controlling his emotions is something that comes up every parents evening without fail - although on the whole I'm told he is well behaved.

Over-tiredness was a big factor I believe, as his behaviour improvement started when we bought his bedtime forward to 7:30 again. He hasn't really had that many 'late' nights recently or anything, so I wouldn't have thought he was over-tired yesterday, but perhaps he had a particularly tiring day at school or something had happened? Will definitely have a chat to him before his disco about it; ask why he reacted the way he did, and if everything has been ok at school etc...

OP posts:

sue52 · 03/02/2012 14:52

Let him go, all 7 year olds play up at times. After a day at school, he's probably forgotten why he's being punished.

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 03/02/2012 15:23

In my experience children are generally so much better behaved with other adults, ie teachers, than they are with their own parents.

But in a way, that is a compliment to you. It means that your DS is secure enough in your love for him that he can act out like this. On some level he knows that he can afford to "allow" himself to lose control and that you won't lose control yourself and retaliate too aggressively [by belting him one for example].

So I guess i was just wondering if he had been holding difficult angry feelings in until he had the opportunity to "explode" in a safe place [with you].

Or he might just be overtired!

I am sure it's exhausting for you too OP. Good luck!

taxiforme · 03/02/2012 15:36

Lol bless him for WANTING to go to the school disco in the first place. Let him bust his moves!!

He is still very young, buttons pressed, tantrum over,X box punishment is enough and I agree that the punishment now wont be so relevant to the crime yesterday. He might also be the only kid not going out of his peers, really harsh.

Worse punishment would be to tell him that you are now disco bound with him and you will also dance. With. Him.

Original poster

BumFunHun · 03/02/2012 16:12

He's going. Had a chat with him, he said everything is fine at school etc. He's not sure why he acted up so much, he just said he felt really angry that he had to go right away to do his teeth, and didn't see why he couldn't just do it after he had watched his programme.

He did accept that he acted really OTT and that it wasn't acceptable, and I got a genuine apology from him. So we both feel a lot better.

RaPa, thank you for your advice/thoughts - they have made me feel a lot better, and not nearly so crummy about it all!

Taxi - I so wish I had seen your post before I had a chat with him....just for the look on his face, that would have been priceless!

OP posts:

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