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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect your mother to be respected not to be to be a skivvy?

19 replies

oldandcrabby · 03/02/2012 00:13

Sorry, long post.
My friend who is 60+, has her own business and a husband who has health problems, is devasted by the attitude of her daughers. Both daughters have high earning partners and a millionaire father, who pays school fees etc. etc.
It is my friend and her (second) husband who are expected to give help on demand.
When one daughter got married they were asked/expected to come on honeymoon and stay at a (cheaper) hotel to look after the children.
The other daughter has broken her leg in a skiing accident, (she jumped the queue and paid for private treatment) but expected mum stand in while she recuperated. So she had to leave her work and husband and come to look after the household, sort out the children, do the school run and after school activities as well as doing meals etc. Her efforts were met by carping and criticism in front of the grandchildren. This escalated into a row when my friend was told to 'get out' at 7.00.p.m. in a strange town. She could not ask her 70+ husband to drive 300 miles to collect her and so had to go back and was met by her SIL who said, 'we don't apologise'.
I am lucky: I am a widow but my sons respect me and care for me; if we disagree we all listen and sort it out,.

But AIBU to expect adult daughters to care for and respect their mothers?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/02/2012 00:15

YANBU

But you have to ask yourself why they are like that?

It's impossible to wipe your feet all over someone who refuses to lay down and be your door matt.

squeakytoy · 03/02/2012 00:15

YANBU.. at all!

The daughters sound completely self obsessed and bloody selfish.

Your friend needs to turn round to them and say NO!

eaglewings · 03/02/2012 00:16

They need to respect her but she needs to learn to say no

TroublesomeEx · 03/02/2012 07:19

She needs to say no, but I suspect that this is a situation entirely of her own creation - sadly.

My mum is the opposite and wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. So I never go to her for help or support. Unfortunately, she then whines when I don't ask her. For her, it's not that she wants to help, it's just that she wants me to need her so that she feels needed, can refuse and feel that little bit of power.

Your friends mum seems to be the opposite of that!

TroublesomeEx · 03/02/2012 07:20

Sorry, your friend, not her mum!

Original poster
oldandcrabby · 03/02/2012 18:28

She has now made a stand and said she is not prepared to be treated without respect. She knows that at least one daughter will refuse all contact and stop the grandchildren seeing or talking to her. I find it sad and can't understand how her daughters can be so selfish.

OP posts:
HoleyGhost · 03/02/2012 18:32

you have no idea what is going on here or what she did or said to prompt her ejection from her daughter's house, and if she did not want to go on holidays with her grandchildren, she should not have done so

HoleyGhost · 03/02/2012 18:33

IME people do not refuse all contact with family members who are genuinely supportive

MosEisley · 03/02/2012 18:35

YABU to 'expect adult daughters to care for and respect their mothers'. My relationship with my mother is very difficult and such a sweeping statement is very unhelpful.

YANB entirely U regarding your friend. Does it actually bother her though, or just you? If it does bother her, why doesn't she put her foot down and do something about it?

historyrepeats · 03/02/2012 18:38

Your friend didn't have to step in. If you have door mat on your head you will get walked on. Sad I don't think its unreasonable to ask for help from parents/pil at times like this, this is what family is about. But your friend sounds like she has commitments that she shouldn't have dropped.

Whats going private or for that matter braking a leg in skiing accident got to do with it? Hmm

historyrepeats · 03/02/2012 18:40

I also don't see a problem with the mother stepping in and doing school run, meals etc, she can say no?

eaglewings · 03/02/2012 18:42

There is a difference between cutting contact with a parent who is abusive or rude and cutting contact with a parent who refuses to be treated like a servant!

The first is essential preservation the second is being a spoilt mare

HoleyGhost · 03/02/2012 18:49

So, the facts in your OP are

  • This woman went on her daughter's honeymoon, with her grandchildren and was angry that she was asked to stay in a different hotel (that she bitched about it being cheaper than the honeymoon hotel suggests the happy couple paid for her holiday).
  • Another daughter "jumped the queue" and paid for private treatment for a broken leg, and this is bitched about too
-Your friend showed up in her recuperating daughter's house, and instead of being supportive was so difficult that she was thrown out, though practical help was needed

Do you have any DILs OP? And what do you expect from them?

LydiaWickham · 03/02/2012 18:56

er, but 7pm in a town, albeit one you don't know, isn't the middle of the night, it's perfectly possible for a sensible adult to at this point find a B&B/hotel/train station.

Sounds like your friend is one of those martyr types who wants to help, but then makes everyone else's life hell for it. Your friend's children were raised by her, if they are spoilt, she was the one who spoilt them. If they don't treat her with respect, it's because she didn't teach them too. They won't cut contact with the DGC unless she makes a big song and dance about it, she could start with "sorry, I can't help, I've got work commitments." But I bet she won't.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 03/02/2012 19:24

They are as she raised them to be surely? Or have they had complete personality changes since they left home?

redwineformethanks · 03/02/2012 19:27

I think your friend sounds quite resentful of her ex husband and daughters being better off financially than she is. Perhaps this is at the root of some of the tension between them. If her daughters ask for help, she should either do it gladly or decline politely

Original poster
oldandcrabby · 03/02/2012 23:20

Interesting, that being nice and helpful is seen as being a martyr. I agree that she should have said no more often in the past. She is old fashioned enough to have felt guilty about a failed marriage. She might have expected that her and her new partner's good manners and care for others to have set a good example but I think that Daddy's millions turned their heads. No they were not the bitches they have become when she raised them. The last time I met them was when they made a flying visit to their mother's silver wedding; they did not engage with any of the other guests, left early and put a bottle of champagne on the bill to take with them. The thing I do not understand is why they think it is justifiable to treat their mother like dirt and expect her to put them before any thing else.

OP posts:
HoleyGhost · 04/02/2012 00:09

you sound very involved Hmm

You ask if YABU "to expect adult daughters to care for and respect their mothers?"

Yes, YABU, if a mother behaves as mean spiritedly as your friend, resenting any help she feels it her duty to give them as they raise her grandchildren, then she is not worthy of respect.

My very lovely MIL has done everything your friend has for her grown up daughters, without a hint of resentment or bitterness. She does it because she loves them and wants to help where she can. There is a big difference.

squeakytoy · 04/02/2012 00:14

WHere is this resentment and bitterness Holey?

I just see a mother being treated like shit by her daughters from what the OP has posted.

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