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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with my DP over this?

27 replies

maybethistime · 02/02/2012 17:41

A year ago, Dp and I agreed to to start seriously saving money each month, to put towards a deposit with a view to buy a property at the end of this year.

We both earn fairly good money, easily cover rent/bills/travel, and we pay equal amounts towards these things. We are both left with the same amount each month, and both agreed to put x amount each month aside. We each have our own account (although we both put money into a joint account for rent/bills etc)

He admitted to me yesterday that he has saved nothing. Not a penny.

When I asked why, he just said that his money disappears and he has no idea what he spends on it. He said he is trying to sort his money out and that he didn`t tell me before, because he knew I would just get cross about it.

I would have been a lot less cross if he`d just told me in the first place!

Weve been together for 8 years but only living together for 2. He has no debts that Im aware off.

Am I being unreasonable to be so bloody angry? At the moment I just feel like getting my own place!

OP posts:
JustHecate · 02/02/2012 17:45

So you'll be paying the deposit all by yourself then?

Nice for him.

I think I'd be saying that I wanted a legal document drawn up stating that, in the event that the house was sold and proceeds split, that I would have £X on top to reflect the extra that I put into it. Just to hammer it home to him more than anything!

What about each having a standing order set up into a joint savings account?

NatashaBee · 02/02/2012 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
maybethistime · 02/02/2012 18:01

Thanks for the replies.

DP will not set up standing orders or direct debts for some reason. Neither will he have a joint savings account :(

Think sitting down with him and going through his account is a good idea!

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 02/02/2012 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laquitar · 02/02/2012 18:14

My ex was doing this on purpose because deep down he didn't want to buy house or to have children.

Cutelittlecatlover · 02/02/2012 18:14

This is ringing alarm bells for me I'm afraid. Are you absolutely sure that he has no debts? I was in a similar situation with an ex and was totally oblivious until the bailiffs arrived one day Sad

RevoltingPeasant · 02/02/2012 18:14

maybe this is slightly ringing alarm bells for me.

I am the person (sort of) in your DP's position - I earn better money than my DP but also spend it all Blush. But because I know this, I set up a SO that funnels £100 out of my acc every month so that I save my share of the deposit. DP can do this all by himself, but I can't.

Why is he allergic to DDs/ SOs? Because sorry, but it does sound like delaying tactics.

How keen is he really on getting a house? Do you have DC together?

AThingInYourLife · 02/02/2012 18:15

I would think very carefully before committing yourself financially to a spendthrift.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 02/02/2012 18:16

hmm. it took 6 years to move in together, and after another two years living together he still wont share finances....i really hope you are in it for the long haul op :(

RevoltingPeasant · 02/02/2012 18:18

I think not wanting to share finances is a worrying sign. DP doesn't want to right now either (though it would be to his benefit) but he has already said that when we buy a house/ have a baby we shoudl then.

If he doesn't want to at all I think that's worrying. Sorry Sad

Smellslikecatspee · 02/02/2012 18:18

Hello I am Smellslikecatspee and I am a spender

Therefore DD/SO's are my friend.

'Cause if the money is out of my account can't spend it IYSWIM

Callisto · 02/02/2012 18:19

Sounds like he doesn't really want to buy a house with you. Perhaps you should rethink your relationship with him because otherwise you might be on Relationships in three years time telling us your DP has walked out and you're 6 months pregnant. Sad

Gay40 · 02/02/2012 18:20

We don't have a joint account. It's fine. It's not the be all and end all of a relationship.
But I would have serious concerns about his attitude towards setting up systems to help you save for a house.

Molehillmountain · 02/02/2012 18:25

I'm with the other spenders. Of he can't resist spending, and he is serious about the deposit he would do a so. A long time ago I had to realise that I couldn't do credit cards and joint all the way was the only way for me to remain solvent. Dh checks our account and hauls me up of necessary. We're a team-so we look after each other. In other areas I am the strong one-diet for example. Strength comes from recognising and addressing your weaknesses.

Eglu · 02/02/2012 18:27

What are his reasons for not setting up a direct debit? And why won't he have a savings acct with you?

It doesn't look good.

randommoment · 02/02/2012 18:30

This is AIBU, so you're asking for honest opinions. It doesn't sound like he's serious about or ready for joint home ownership or parenting. I appreciate you've invested 8 years in this, but I'd think long and hard before tying yourself and any future children to what seems essentially an overgrown student, certainly in attitude to money.

JustHecate · 02/02/2012 19:00

It's really not a good idea to financially tie yourself to someone when there are clear signs that there are going to be troubles over money.

3littlefrogs · 02/02/2012 19:02

I would say you have the potential for a very lucky escape here.

squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 19:06

Okaaaaaay.

I am going to do straight talking.

If he wanted to buy a place with you, and sees a future with you, he would have saved.

If he wanted you to buy a place, while he sponges off you.... well....

If he was looking at buying a place with you, he would set up a joint account...

You are partners.. you surely know what each other is spending money on.

I would put off any house buying in joint names for quite a long time yet.

redwineformethanks · 02/02/2012 19:12

I wouldn't assume this is a sign he doesn't want to move in with you. He may genuinely be a spender rather than a saver. That said, you agreed what you would do, and he hasn't done it. So there is a bit of a trust issue there. Good luck

squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 19:13

He is already living with her in rented property isnt he?

So he is happy with the status quo, and does not want to move forward to any permanent commitment.

squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 19:15

They have the same amount left each month, OP has saved.. he has nothing.

How can you not know what your live in partner is spending money on, unless they are doing something behind your back?

It doesnt add up.

Tigerstripes · 02/02/2012 19:22

You decided a year ago to do this? And he has saved nothing? So you've been merrily going along thinking he has thousands (?) saved and all the time he has nothing? That would be a major betrayal of trust in my view.

He either (a) has hidden debts, (b) has major spending issues or (c) doesn't want to move in with you.

Tigerstripes · 02/02/2012 19:23

Buy a house, not move in obviously as you're already renting together.

fuzzpig · 02/02/2012 19:34

Hmm.

Can you sit down and go through his statements to see where the money goes? If he actually wants to save he should be ok with that...