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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be able to tell my family i'm moving without worry about the reaction?

22 replies

purplerubberduck · 02/02/2012 15:30

I am planning to move out of my area, to what I believe and know, will be a nicer area for myself and DD, with my partner. We have been discussing it at great length for some time, and we are planning to buy a house, but it will be away from all my family, and I am worried as to how one particular member of my family will react.

I now don't want to tell them I am moving towards the end of the year, as I know said family member will try anything within their power to either talk me out of it or prevent it happening, but I would like to talk with them about it as I don't like being secretive. And I have no one else, other than my partner to talk to about this.

I plan to tell them nearer the time of me moving, but feel bad for not telling them now.

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TubbyDuffs · 02/02/2012 15:32

If you're not moving for so long anyway, why tell them this early. I would just mention it nearer the time, so less time for them to worry about it.

Its your life, you have to do what you think is best for your family.

Original poster

purplerubberduck · 02/02/2012 15:35

I really do think it is for the best, but I doubt they will see it like that, but thanks, it's nice to have an outside opinion and advice, which is appreciated and going to be used :)

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GypsyMoth · 02/02/2012 15:46

I wouldn't be able to stay quiet!

Original poster

purplerubberduck · 02/02/2012 15:48

It is really hard not telling them, as I am excited about it

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MitchieInge · 02/02/2012 16:37

is there any chance they might surprise you by reacting positively to the news and sharing your excitement? I would find it hard to keep quiet if I was enthusiastic about something

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 02/02/2012 16:43

Would telling this person mean that you would stop feeling excited and start feeling guilty? If so, stay quiet.

aldiwhore · 02/02/2012 16:50

Its very tough not to be able to share some things with close family.

I have to be very selective with what I tell my close rellies as I can never predict how they'll react. Its sad, but I have my DH to share things with, get excited with and who supports me regardless even if we don't always agree.

With my family Mitchie there's always the chance to be surprised and for them to be positive but its not a risk I'm willing to make these days.

Purplerubberduck don't feel that by not mentioning things you are 'sort of' lying, you're not at all, as you will tell them when they NEED to know and when its too late for them to sabotage things (no matter how nice they are, my family is actually lovely!) and don't feel guilty. You are preserving your relationship with them by taking this course of action, and you're also preserving your sanity and stress. It does get easier.

I've only once been nearly caught out, only once been asked "why didn't you tell me sooner?" and that IS tricksy, but you can be truthful whilst omitting to say "because you'd have ruined it" (tempted!) for example, you don't have a move date, when you've got a move date, you'll be waiting for keys... good luck with the move, and stop feeling guilty, it IS sad, but you're doing it for good reason and you will never change them.

addictediam · 02/02/2012 16:51

We have a similar problem! If all goes well dh will be doimg a secondment to Canada in around 2-3 years time, we're quite excited it works out well for dd's schooling (ie we would be back in time for dd1 to start reception/year 1 (depending on when we go) so not too disruptive etc. We know it may not happen as lots of unexpected things might happen between now and then. But after mentioning it in passing to il (when we were still thinking about it) they were horrified and very upset at the thought of it. phoned me everyday for 2 weeks pleading with us not to go (its only going to be for 2years max). In the end I told them we hadn't made up our minds and it was so far away anything could happen. Now we have decided to go, were keeping it quiet until nearer the time, and i won't be the one to tell them! They just dont seem to see what an opportunity it will be for (mainly) dh and his job but also for dds.

No advice but stay firm and maybe start dropping into conversation what a great area x is.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/02/2012 16:56

Why worry? Obviously this person is a bit of a misery-guts that likes to squash people's dreams... so don't play their game. Be assertive. "We've decided to move. Isn't that great?"... paf They're going to whinge and whine whether you tell them now or leave it a few months. Don't let them spoil your life.

MeltedChocolate · 02/02/2012 17:24

similar problem here too. My family have been out right manipulative/ emotionally black mailing to try and get me to change my mind because they don't want DS to be away from them!

JustHecate · 02/02/2012 17:28

How can they prevent it happening?

You are doing what is right for you and they have only as much power and influence as you allow them.

When it's all settled, just tell them. If they start, then "I'm sorry you feel like that, but we are moving." over and over and over again.

Or just wait until you've moved and then tell them

lisaro · 02/02/2012 17:39

Er how old are you? Nobody can prevent you. How far is it?

Original poster

purplerubberduck · 02/02/2012 18:24

Tbh I can predict the reaction would be bad, and the rest of the family would follow suit, as this person enjoys being in control of everyone else's life, and it's either their way or no way, and if I did tell them, they would do everything possible to make me change my mind.

I'm 24 but made to feel like i'm 14, and it's about 80 miles away.

Maybe I need to 'woman' up or just send them a postcard once i've moved lol

But thank you all for your comments and suggestion, and it's nice (in a weird way) to know it isn't just my family that are like that.

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Pixieonthemoor · 02/02/2012 18:30

Only tell them once it's a fair accompli ie you have actually exchanged on your new house or even waited til completion. Then there's absolutely no wriggle room and they will have to accept it. It's your Ma, right?!

Callisto · 02/02/2012 18:33

I've always edited news with my family to a greater or lesser extent, isn't that what you do once you've moved out? Having said that, my parents were not particularly controlling but mum had a debilitating illness that worsened when she was upset/stressed so bad or negative stuff was always sugar-caoted.

But yes, you're 24 and you have a family of your own. You definitely need to toughen up a bit and stand up for yourself.

Original poster

purplerubberduck · 02/02/2012 18:34

I think that will have to be the plan, once it's too late for me not to go. Not that they are going to be able to make me change my mind, and yes it is my mum. despite years ago her telling me "find a nice man, get a mortgage and live how you want to without being reckless" lol

But she seems to have taken a personal vendetta against anyone i've had a relationship with, she has always found something wrong with them, even when they have done nothing wrong at all

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aldiwhore · 02/02/2012 18:47

You could be me Purplerubberduck... if its not my mum's idea, its a bad idea.

She IS lovely in her own way, and in my controlled way. But she's one of those that reminds me of a supervillian and sidekick.

SK: why don't we lazer the planet
SV: What a stupid ill thought out idea.... I know we should lazer the planet.

Its very sad that you will long to be closer and her meglomaniac tendancies stop that IF you tell her everything. So you're doing the grown up thing already matey, take heart in that!

Original poster

purplerubberduck · 02/02/2012 18:51

aldiwhore that is a perfect description lol

But I will do, thank you :)

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crazycanuck · 02/02/2012 18:54

I know exactly how you feel purplerubberduck. We are in the process of sorting out DH's visa so we can move back to Canada in about 18 months time, and if we told his family they would hit the roof (one family member in particular here too). It will be such a kerfuffle DH reckons it will even affect his inheritance. We actually went back for a two-week visit last year and when I told MIL we were going she didn't hear the bit about it being just for a holiday. I've never seen someone's face fall so fast and so much in my entire life and she asked me "Why? Why would you do that?" in the most dejected voice you can imagine. So we have been keeping hush like you, though we are getting tired of not being able to share our excitement and good news. DS knows now what our plans are, so it's only a matter of time before he lets the cat out of the bag. I fully believe in doing what's best for you and your family, but it really sucks having the knowledge of a drama hanging over your head doesn't it!

mummymeister · 02/02/2012 19:00

could you not tell your mum now and make out that you are committed to the move financially/legally so no matter what she says you can then say "well thats as maybe but now we legally have to move" 80 miles isnt the end of the world is it and if your mum is still controlling you at 24 at what point do you think its going to stop then? 28, 32, 57? i think you are doing absolutely the right thing to move, everyone on MN will think the same i am sure and be right behind you so take heart in that. in a way it has to come to a head at some point so why not now really. You do need to tell her (over and over again probably) that if she carries on like this you will stop involving her in your life. you are the mum now, not her.

Original poster

purplerubberduck · 02/02/2012 19:02

crazycanuck it does suck hugely! And this is something I have put a lot of thought into, it isn't just a snap decision, and I do truly believe it is the right choice for myself and my DD.

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Original poster

purplerubberduck · 02/02/2012 19:06

mummymeister You are right, and I feel like a fool for saying easier said than done, but she is very controlling, and I fear her lol I know if I don't stop it now, it will never stop, but the less opportunity she has to try and stop me, the better.
And thank you for the vote of confidence :)

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