to think I need to rethink my whole attitude to my relationship with DH?

[Moveslikejagger]

Will try not to waffle.

DH and I been together 11 years, married for 9, two DCs aged 8 and 5. We have what I would describe as a 'dull' relationship. We seem to tiptoe around each other a lot of the time to keep the peace for the children and although I feel we really need to sort ourselves out, he's not a talker at all about emotions (he has Aspergers).

However I've kind of realised that he is the one who tries to bring something (at least) to our relationship and I pretty much offer nothing. He can be incredibly difficult and critical so I think I fnd it easier to say very little when it's just the two of us as it somehow seems easier. I'm not talking about sex just the day to day life of our relationship and I know I need to start making more of an effort but to be honest I'm not sure how to begin without coming across as a total fake. I'm hoping (against hope?) that by doing this it will lead to a better relationship for us.

I need to sort this out don't I?

Yes OP, otherwise all sounds rather dead in the water to be honest.

You're right, it IS dead in the water.

I want to sit down with him and talk, properly about how we fix things but he just won't do it. He doesn't 'do' emotions. But all I really want is to talk and find out if we both want to make it work. Perhaps I'm wasting my time by even trying.

I know you said he doesn't like to talk but it seems to me you have two options: Make a positive decision to change and start slowly modifying your behaviour so that it is a genuine change and not fake or tell him what you feel and have a frank discussion. It doesn't really sound like there is so much wrong its worth going through a divorce and all the awfulness that goes along with that.

I really don't want a divorce Trixie and I know he doesn't, I know he loves me. I just don't think I'm very good at marriage, which is a bit pathetic really. It's almost like we've forgotten how to just 'get along' together. I feel really sad about the situation, we both adore the children (he's a great dad) but I don't want them growing up in an atmosphere of 'nothing'.

Have you tried the AS websites - they offer advice on how to speak to partners with AS about emotional matters and the the 'right' phrases and wording to use.

No I haven't redruby but I will, thank you. It can be very hard to talk to him.

Do you ever go out on your own without the children? If not, I would try it. We have a night out most weekends on our own, where we can just sit and talk about anything we want without being interrupted.

When ours were small and we were skint, we used to have a meal together(shared the cooking!) and a bottle of wine on a Saturday night once they were in bed.

I think you get so caught up in the dinner/bath/stories/bed routine it's hard to be a couple as well as a family.

By spending time alone as a couple you may find it easier to talk to then start to talk your difficulties through.