To think my PILS are frankly a bit odd for having so little interest in their grandchildren?

[CAS77]

We have 2 DCs, a 3.5yo DS and a 6 mo baby DD. The PILs were never hugely interested in DS when it was just him (he was their first gc), but they did seem a little bit more interested in his milestones and would take him out now again (maybe 3 or 4 times in total for a few hours each time). Looking back, those occasions really only happened because I rather naively assumed that they would want to spend time with him (whether alone or together with DH and I) and I instigated it. I don't think they ever asked of their own volition.

Since DD has arrived they have shown practically no interest in either DS or DD.
They live 5 mins away, are both more or less retired and, afaik, are healthy and fit. They see the children about once a month for maybe an hour, always with DH and I present and with us actively looking after the DCs. They don't seem v interested in the dcs e.g. have barely held the baby since she arrived, don't really know what DS is interested in. They don't even seem to want to see the kids much even when we are looking after them - they have not once invited me over with the kids for a cup of tea etc since I've been on mat leave (and I feel uncomfortable just pitching up / asking to come over now).

We really are not looking for free babysitting from them (I have come to learn from threads about gps that this is a bit of a cardinal sin!!!). We have a v good and reliable babysitter that we can use who knows the children well...I actually feel more comfortable using her when we need a babysitter as she knows the kids and I don't feel like I am putting someone out.

But DH and I are a bit upset that they don't seem very interested in the kids or want to be involved in their lives / build a warm relationship with them. Maybe they don't much like young children, but, still, these are their grandchildren, practically living on their doorstep and they barely see them!

AIBU to find their behaviour frankly a bit odd? It is all the more bizarre to me because they are good, decent, generous people and DH and I have always had a good relationship with them in the past. So, what do you think, weird or not?!

(I posted about this issue a while back in 'Chat' so apologies for anyone having deja vu reading this - as you can see it is still bothering me!!)

YANBU one set of my GPs have never really shown an interest in my sis or me but dote on my cousins. It is quite weird but it hasn't done me any harm. I am however very grateful that my DS has 2 full sets of GPs who adore him.

I don't think it's necessarily odd in itself to just want to see them once a month

But I do find it a bit odd how you feel unable to just pop 5 mins down the road for a cup of tea.

I used to live about a 20 minute walk from my parents when I had DS1 and I was round there almost every single day.

Worra - I don't feel able to go there because bottom line is I feel they would rather I / we didn't pop in all the time with the kids in tow. If they had invited me even once in the last 6months then maybe I'd be encouraged to pitch up / invite myself now and again. But they haven't, which to me speak volumes, so I don't.

I did actually pop over on short notice once recently to pick something up. SiL was there with her ds - they were all relaxing i.e. not in middle of something important or about to go out....I was given what I'd come to collect then they hovered around the hallway and PIL said he expected I had to get on as I must be busy and he opened the door and ushered me on my way!!

YANBU, but as Worra says, I do find it odd that you see so little of each other anyway. We live 5 minutes from my MIL and we see her every other day at least, or I do on my own as my husband is away at work, but he will still phone her for a quick chat. When FIL was alive, we saw them less often, but even then it was at least once a week.

You have a good relationship with them, so perhaps they have been reading on here and are a bit worried that they might seem pushy or interfering if they ask to see you or the kids... ring them, invite them round... make the first moves and see how it goes.

My MIL is a bit of a wuss and would see her great grandchildren every day if she could, but she never ever instigates the invitation because she is scared of seeming needy and all she says is "they have such busy lives, I dont want to cause a problem"... grrr...

My 3 kids have 2 sets of GP's (ok, just my Mum on my side) and they can be the same as yours OP. In fact when I was pregnant with ds I was told in no uncertain terms by my Mum not to expect any babysitting, no overnight stays, no daytrips etc. I thought she was joking but nope she meant it. She told me that her days of child-rearing were over (my sister was 14 at the time and she seemed to forget all the years of child slavery free babysitting, cooking and cleaning she squeezed out of me, also nothing prepares you for parenthood better than hauling your 10 year old ass out of bed at 4 in the am to bottle feed your newborn sister while your parents enjoy an alcohol fuelled slumber... anyhoo. I digress) Last year she ignored their birthdays (dh's parents are faultless in that respect and always make a huge fuss of birthdays) and they asked me if Nana didn't like them anymore . She lives 4 miles away and I see her only if someone can give her a lift, she hasn't got anything else planned, I buy her a fish supper and lagers, and provide everything she needs while she is here. Seriously she doesn't even bring pj's or a toothbrush. I see her on average once every two-three months. I get jealous when I see the close relationship my friends have with their Mums. I lost my dad when I was 9 and there have been times when I felt like an orphan. The bonus is I am using this to my advantage by never making my kids feel the way I used to. If I knew my 13 year old child was lying in bed sobbing themselves to sleep most nights due to my behaviour I'd never forgive myself. I love my mum and I know why she is the way she is but it hurts not being loved back.

We have a very similar situation, my children have very little involvement in their grandparents lifes and I have devoted alot of time and energy over the years questioning their detachment.I am surrounded with friends whose children are very close to GP's and I would have loved this arrangment.But over time I have just come to accept that this is not the way things are for us.

YANBU to be a bit put out that they dont seem overly interested but then maybe they feel the same about you and about the fact you dont go and see them.

Maybe they are just not that family orientated, some people just arent.

FreePeaceSweet, I am to read your post. It sounds like it's actually better your mother doesn't spend too much time with your dcs!

Op, it sounds weird. I mean, I'm all for healthy distance, respecting of boundaries etc but they have gone out of their way to keep you all at arms length.

What about your parents? Sorry if you mentioned them already. Can you ask them to make a big fuss of the dcs?

YANBU, it is odd. My PIL have seen my DD three times since she was born (when we have insisted on inviting ourselves) and she is two this month. DH is very upset about it, but I suppose its up to them.

They are very interested in their church life and thats about all.

Luckily my parents are much more interested.

Yes. It is odd but you just have to accept it.

My pil are the same. We would not see them for 6 months at a time when the dc were small even though they were 15 minutes away. In the end we queried it. The result of that was that they recently met DD for the first time on her ninth birthday.

I just don't think they really like children.

(they are teachers btw)

Why is it odd? We choose eto have the children fine great, we don't get to choose when we have grandchildren. They are moaned at if they are seen as interfering and moaned at if they don't do enough, seems gps are on a lose lose.

When my ds was a baby I went to a fancy party at which an uber cool all-in-black slightly older couple, both architects, were standing alone not talking to anyone. They saw me with ds and lit up. They said they had four grandchildren and they loved looking after them more than anything in the world and begged their kids to let them have them for weekends.

I don't really think they are holding back from fear of being seen to be needy. I think it probably is the case that they don't really enjoy spending time with young children (although SIL has 1 dc and they do seem more interested and involved so who knows?).

When they do see our dcs they don't really interact much with them - they are more interested in adult chit chat with us. There was not even any cooing over the baby when she was tiny (don't know how that's possible!!). Honestly, old ladies on the street have shown more interest.

My DF is passed away. My DM is def more interested but lives over 100 miles away and doesn't drive. We see eachother as much as possible but sadly not as much as we'd all like.

It is odd. It is odd not to want to see them at all.

Of course grandparents don't chose to be grandparents. But they chose to be parents and spending an hour every couple of months does not seem to be a reasonable demand of simple politeness.
Or is the premis that anything goes once you are adults?
So I would have been reasonable to say, pre children, 'no, fuck off. Why should I visit you and you dull parents at christmas'

Of course there will be endless debates about what constitutes a reasonable level of interest.

But to say 'they didn't chose to be grandparents and so they are fine to show a level of interest in your children which is slightly lower than the bloke that works in the post office' is odd.

If you can't stand dc don't have them. If you have dc there is a decent chance you will be expected to meet your grandchildren occasionally without it being such an effort that you feel burdened.

ABatinBunkFive - I suppose I think it is odd because the gc are their own son's children. They love the son very much, have always been involved in his life. They love me (I hope). We've always had a good relationship and seen a fair bit of eachother, including socialising. A good family relationship. The gcs come along and they have totally backed off. We are not asking them to look after the children. It would just be nice for that good family relationship to continue, and this is actually quite difficult now. The children are more or less are whole life at the moment. They have no interest in the children, ergo no interest in the life and wellbeing of their own DS and DiL.

I think it's a bit odd, but then people are odd and some just have no interest in small children, even the ones they are related to.

I can't imagine not being interested in my children's children.

Exactly Pagwatch. That's it in a nutshell.

Is it bothering your DH? If so, could he actually talk to them about it?

My MiL is a bit like this - our DC are her youngest (the others are 3, 5, 13, 19 years older than our eldest) and are the first ones not to live locally to her. She did full time childcare for the others at times (like for 12 years for DGC2). She doesn't come here much. She didn't meet (and I didn't send any photos because she never says thank you and DH is capable of sending them also) DC4 until he was 6 months old. She's just not that into them. When we do see her, all she talks about are the other DGC - while ignoring what our DC are doing in front of her.

DH says she's done her bit, she's older, it's different because she's not used to not living close by and having sole charge - but it hurts.

Would your DH ever bring it up with them? Have you discussed it with your SIL?

Yes, I think it's weird. Particularly if they entertain SIL and son regularly?

I guess you have 2 choices. Raise it (or get DH to) in as non-confrontational manner as poss, or forget about it.

I didn't talk to my dad for a year because he wouldn't come and see his first GC. I felt I had the right to expect him to get off his arse and visit, having spent large parts of my childhood dealing feeling like a nursemaid in the wake of his alcoholism and violence/general downward spiral.

I'm glad I told him how I felt (but then he is my parent and not DH's, so it's more of a direct relationship). But ultimately, it made no difference. He's sober now, but I realise that doesn't mean his ethics are inline with mine. The stupid thing is, he adored DS when he finally met him at two.

I guess what I'm saying is that if people choose to have an arm's length relationship with their GC, it's their loss. Children don't tend to question how often they see a person, it's just 'the way it is' to them.

Yes, DH is upset about it all, particularly as he pretty much idolised his parents until now. We could never raise it with them. It would just be too awkward. I know that we will just need to accept it, but it is bothering me a lot tbh. I guess I wanted to find out if others thought it was as weird as I do, at least then I could understand why I can't just easily let it go. I suppose I will eventually, although I do wonder if the relationship with the PILS will ever be as good as it was before. Can't see how it will be really.

I really, strongly believe that your DH needs to pluck up the courage to discuss this with them. Yes, it will be awkward and upsetting for everyone, but I really believe that it is vital for your future relationship with them.

He doesn't need to be confrontational - he just needs to tell them from his heart how he feels - that you are simply saddened by the fact that you don't see them as often as you'd like, and wanted to know how they feel about the way things are. You wondered whether there was anything you could do differently to change things.

Otherwise, nothing will change. And you might just realise after it's too late that you might have been able to do something about it.

to clarify, when I say 'you are saddened' I mean 'DH and you' (ie not that DH should say Cas77 is sad - he should say we are all sad / Cas and I are sad...)

Erm.
I agree but be prepared for the fallout. It was exactly the conversation ceebie describes that led to our not seeing the in laws for nearly 10 years.

I would always advocate doing it. But it is deeply personal stuff and they will be defensive because however beautifully you phrase it, you are questioning their love.

I was surprised that the pil didn't show much interest in the dc. I've always maintained that they'd fail to recognise the dcs in a line-up. But looking on MN and talking to people in RL, I have found that although it is not the usual state of affairs, it is not completely rare to have this type of GP.

It is usually in-laws, too, especially if the mil has a daughter and seems to cleave to her and her children rather than the son and his family. Of course someone will come on here and say they are closer to their mil than own mother, but I think that's not often the case.

Also some older people become just plain weird. Very insular, intolerant and obsessed by routines. Little people and their randomness freak them out.